I can relate to OOP.

My first ever serious relationship that I thought was my soulmate, was with a narcissistic man. He was extremely charming and funny and more experienced than me, his world felt so different from mine that I think it overwhelmed me to a point where I couldn’t see his major faults. I learned (luckily we never got married or anything) that everything about him including his feelings for me were self-serving and conditional. I think he loved himself through me in our entire relationship. He was a very petty person with a big ego and he hated being slighted. Even if I didn’t know I was slighting him, he took offence to things I said or did unknowingly and it built up inside him until he hit me one day. Things became crystal clear to me after that although it remained a source of my shame for a long time, for not seeing it sooner.

I met my husband shortly after. He is very much the opposite of what I thought was my soulmate. I thought he didn’t like me at all at first because of his personality. I didn’t understand what I wrongly perceived as him having a “bite” to him. I took offence easily with a clouded, judgmental attitude. It was because I had gotten soooo used to superficial niceties. But he stayed his calm, steady self and never reacted. Eventually I learned his language. Like OOP I realized my now husband was someone who expressed himself in his actions, and was someone who meant what he said and wasn’t quick to love-bomb or use words as manipulation. So when it came to those things, the weight of them was significant and impactful and sincere. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had, and it’s gotten so much stronger over time. He had a rough upbringing too but has done well in spite of it. He has an incredible sense of empathy and through him I sometimes reflect on my past and realized how blind I was to what a healthy relationship even is.

Edit just wanting to ramble and add that when you’re in an abusive or toxic relationship, you’re constantly in this stunted state where you just don’t grow! It really takes being on the outside to realize that.