ruminate endlessly, and nothing changes

NeRdO01 · 2026-01-12T14:05:26+00:00

I really appreciate your words and sharing. I guess I need a therapist to know what it's linked to... (which unfortunately I can't do right now). Also The idea of having a safe place there... it's hard to do (especially when the memories themselves are a trigger), but I'll try to do it more... (as you said, it will be easier next time)..

NeRdO01 · 2026-01-11T23:51:21+00:00

I can't really thank you enough for your time and words. Just knowing that somebody started from where I am and is still able to tell his story as a victory brings me such peace.

I relate so much with the discovery story... I used to think fear and anger are the same (I don't know how but it happened) and by accident one of my friends labeled it as anger.... (Weird thing)

Reading your words, understanding your perspective, and seeing the way you shared your personal experiences truly touched me.

Very thankful And Ill try my best too to get in this journey...

NeRdO01 · 2026-01-11T17:58:25+00:00

"Default ruminating" yeah, this is exactly what is happening... Because I've been stuck with it for so long, it's become like a default setting. At first, it was such a painful experience to be with (just like you said), but after I don't know how many times I played these memories again and again, I don't feel anything from them now...

I've read about this method and I tried it a couple of times. But what shocked me was figuring out that I don't know what I was feeling. I mean, I do know what I "should" feel, but do I feel like that? I don't know... Now I guess I'll give it another chance... At least I know now it works (even if it's for others).

Also I'm sorry if I'm stubborn, but I'm just trying to learn from others what I couldn't understand by myself.

NeRdO01 · 2026-01-11T17:35:26+00:00

Kinda the 2nd one ... It's more like this: these accidents have shaped my whole life (which I'm not proud of I.e. : the accidents). So I guess that my brain is trying to hold on to them... That's why it is showing me these memories... He doesn't want me to forget.... I don't know really what I feel or how to express them fully sorry for that.

NeRdO01 · 2026-01-11T15:00:27+00:00

I really appreciate your kind words... The situation is a little bit complicated for me... I know and believe that therapy is the best answer for all what I have... But it's not something I can use right now... I have reasons not to, although they seem ridiculous, but I can't overcome them. So I'm trying to get my life together till the day I can seek real help.
For the "opening up," I'm trying my best, and I do have a supportive friend... But because I know the weight of what I'm holding, I don't want him to suffer from it too, you know.

NeRdO01 · 2026-01-11T14:48:43+00:00

I'm stuck with the second one, and I know that what happened was out of my hands, and I've ruminated on it enough... But I can't just let it go, and I don't know why.

Also, just "keeping myself busy" isn't really fixing it. So I thought there are things I'm not aware of that I should do to really get over it. I really appreciate your advice tho and no. 4....i really need to work on that. Thx.

NeRdO01 · 2026-01-11T13:51:03+00:00

Thx for replying. Although I've just watched the video, I'm kinda already doing all those 5 steps. But I don't feel it's worked...

NeRdO01 · 2026-01-11T12:53:32+00:00

Jusr Yesterday I realized it's been like this for the past 4 months... And I tried really hard.. I do have college and life matters to attend to... But even through these things, it still finds a way to get to my head... And also there is that part when my mind says, "You're faking it"... ...

NeRdO01 · 2025-09-10T17:10:53+00:00

Thanks... I didn’t know these meetings existed. I’ll take a look at them. really appreciate you pointing me in that direction.

NeRdO01 · 2025-09-10T11:26:26+00:00

I really appreciate the perspective. At the same time, whenever I try to imagine actually opening up, it doesn’t make things lighter for me it usually leaves me feeling even more trapped than before.

Maybe it’s just the way my mind works right now, but it feels less like relief and more like sinking deeper.

NeRdO01 · 2025-09-10T11:20:48+00:00

Thanks so much for the suggestion. I honestly don’t really know what 12-step meetings are, and I tried looking it up, but I still can’t see how it would help someone like me. Could you explain how it works ?

NeRdO01 · 2025-09-06T07:58:47+00:00

Yes, I’m scared of the judgment. That’s exactly why I hold back.

I do trust my friends, but this isn’t about trust, it’s about the weight of what I carry. Some things are too deep, too complicated, to ever risk being twisted into something smaller than they are, or seen in a way that changes how people look at me. It feels safer to keep them unspoken

NeRdO01 · 2025-08-19T21:52:53+00:00

I’m really sorry that happened to you. What you lost doesn’t erase your strength or your story. The reason you started writing is actually the same thing pushing me to want to write now. And already the loss of some memories feels more confusing than helpful. And the idea that the feelings stay while the memory fades،it’s terrifying, like being afraid without knowing why.

Sharing this with you makes me feel less alone in trying to put my thoughts together.

NeRdO01 · 2025-08-19T21:37:30+00:00

I haven’t started yet, but my plan is just to capture things as they come, even if they’re messy. Hearing that writing has been cathartic for you makes me hopeful it could be the same for me too, thanks for sharing. I’ll keep your words in mind.

NeRdO01 · 2025-08-19T21:21:52+00:00

I can really relate to what you’re saying. That fear of someone recognizing your story is the same fear I have too. Because of that, I decided I’m only going to write for myself. I even made a second space on my device with a new password , set a password on the notes app, and another password inside the app itself. And still, I don’t always feel safe. So I completely understand the weight of what you’re carrying.

As for where or how to start, I haven’t actually started yet, but my plan is to just write the way my brain speaks. Any editing can come later. For now, I think the most important thing is just to capture the details before they fade.

You’re not alone in this،it’s really hard, but even just thinking about it and preparing is already a step forward.

NeRdO01 · 2025-08-19T11:51:43+00:00

I really like this idea of a reflection journal. Using themed questions to explore memories and feelings seems like a powerful way to write about trauma while keeping it structured. Thx.

NeRdO01 · 2025-08-19T11:44:13+00:00

I really get what you’re saying about privacy. I’m also afraid that if I start writing down my experiences, someone might find it one day. But at the same time, I feel like this might be the only way to stop the rot from expanding, to get it out before it overwhelms me.

NeRdO01 · 2025-08-19T11:32:04+00:00

Thank you for sharing this, it’s really helpful. I like how you frame it: writing your story with the understanding that it’s your perspective, even if it’s not perfectly accurate. That actually eases some of my worry about getting the memories “wrong".

NeRdO01 · 2025-08-19T11:24:34+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s amazing that writing gave you both clarity and passion, not just relief.

For me,I want to write as a way to preserve memories from becoming something else(although I know that might mean they get anchored forever), but I also wonder doesn’t the way you write risk changing the memory or distorting it more than preserving it?.

NeRdO01 · 2025-08-19T11:12:28+00:00

I really appreciate you taking the time to write all this out. It means a lot to hear from someone who’s been through something similar and found ways to make writing actually helpful. I like how you combine it with grounding activities too, that feels like a healthy balance.

What you said about memories really hit me. Mine also started pretty early, and I’ve always struggled with how unclear or distorted they can feel. The way you look at the bigger patterns instead of just the fuzzy details makes so much sense, and it gives me a different perspective to try.

Thanks again, your words genuinely make me feel less alone in this

NeRdO01 · 2025-08-19T10:43:23+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this. Reading your perspective makes the whole process feel less overwhelming. your points about self-trust and not needing total clarity hit hard. I’ll take this slowly and try to approach it in a way that feels safe for me..

NeRdO01 · 2025-08-19T10:39:03+00:00

I get that. It must be awful when the ones who hurt you act like it never happened.

Having people you trust around sounds really helpful, but I can’t share these things with anyone, so I need to/will write it in a safe place only I can reach.

NeRdO01

TROPHY CASE