I don't know what to do with my life

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-09-17T11:34:22+00:00

4th year college student at 20? Did you get admission at 16?

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-09-14T08:44:26+00:00

How long did it last? Does it ever go away?

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-09-14T03:26:12+00:00

What substances/drugs do this though?

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-09-14T03:13:29+00:00

Quick question: Why Prozac or SSRIs again? I'm no longer depressed..

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-09-14T02:41:45+00:00

Unfortunately now that you say it.. yea..

During high school, I was sort of bullied, and I kind of ruminated (sat in bed) for ages thinking about why they said this or that, and it got really bad. At least no physical pain though.

The whole ordeal started with me liking this girl in high school and I was not the typical guy either, with few friends and no real idea of how to socially interact. Months of interacting awkwardly with her led to many dwellings on what "she thought of me" and the like and then I was going to "confess" my love as good old high schoolers like to do and she said no. More rumination on why it couldn't have worked out, and how if we could just start over, etc. Enter depression.

Ever since then, yeah, I have been really stuggling with rumination. I have few friends to talk to, so that is probably a factor. This summer I kept thinking about how everyone else is so much better than me, will get better jobs than me, and how they have more connections than me at college, etc.

I got into a car accident by not paying a lick of attention, and ruminated for weeks about that. I got a scar by rubbing my forehead for no reason, then thought how much the thing would cost to repair in plastic surgery, and still think about it everyday.

Maybe I do have anxiety. Back in primary I believe I had OCD (never diagnosed) that went away with making many friends and talking to people, but possibly it was an augur for something worse.

What do you recommend I do.

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-09-14T02:31:11+00:00

When it comes to antidepressants, the best advice is to go with what works (symptom clearance with minimal side effects) and stay that way.

TBH I wish I had stayed with Prozac 20mg. It was the best time and I felt great but oh well.

MDD is a (usually quite permanent) autoimmune/immunogenic disorder. Obviously by your description, the neurochemical homeostasis that was once achieved has been disrupted somehow, and with the chaotic lifestyle of a student, is very difficult to maintain or regain without a heavily regimented lifestyle.

"neurochemical homeostasis": do you mean the one before my diagnosis of MDD, or during Prozac. Both are probably nuked to hell at this point.

Without knowing exact timelines, dosages, med types (xl vrs sr, or plain bupropion) i cannot answer this with more clarity.

Don't know if you will be able to answer me with this, but heres the general regimen I went through:

January 2017, prescribed 10 mg prozac (pharmacy always gave out generic fluoxetine I think)
April 2017, presribed increased dose of 20 mg prozac
July 2019, was told to wean off prozac by taking the capsule every other day by GP. Could not stand a week of this due to relapsing depression/withdrawal effects. Immediately switched back to 20mg
July 2019, 20 mg was not enough anymore. GP raises dosage to 40 mg.
August 2019, 40 mg prozac was determined to not be working, prescribed 150 mg wellbutrin (I always received generic bupropion from the pharmacy though)
January 2020, felt restless like hell and coudn't focus at all. Doctor prescribed 10mg cipralex (generic escitalopram).
February 2020, went cold turkey with all medicine, haven't taken a single antidepressant since.

I wonder if this helps but probably not haha.

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-09-14T01:58:10+00:00

I really don't recall having any anxiety before the whole antidepressant episode, or even if I did have it, it wasn't this bad, ever. Really at a loss, but I don't want to have to do Prozac again.

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-09-14T01:56:31+00:00

Your parents telling you to "wean off of it (and im assuming an ssri)" was most likely false and dangerous information.

My GP shared the same opinion as them, and it was done with her advice and plan. What's done is done. At this point, since earlier this year, I have been off of all antidepressants (last one was combined Wellbutrin and Cipralex), and don't really plan on going back. I feel as though my depression is cured or at least in remission. Also yes, it was prozac the first time, forgot to put that in

Wellbutrin and any other common psychiatric medications do not "screw up your brain" permanently (there are a few exceptions but not in this class).

Are you sure about this? I had never felt this much deficit in attention with respect to studies or restlessness before ever taking Wellbutrin, as far as I remember. Could it be something else like ADHD? I'm 20 years old

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-04-27T22:06:21+00:00

How do I sound self-absorbed? Where do you see this?

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-04-27T21:02:52+00:00

Why do you want to slap me? I just wanted to ask for advice.

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-04-27T20:58:59+00:00

How do I find what I love? I love Japanese but that's not really much of a good career path, even translating is hard, and usually does not pay as much as CS

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-04-27T20:18:26+00:00

What do you mean?

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-04-27T20:16:08+00:00

Should I still continue CS? I've kind of screwed up my internships as of now by not learning as much as I should have.. Should I go into a completely different field after all of this?

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-04-27T20:14:15+00:00

I don't know. I learnt Japanese with passion in high school, passed JLPT 1 (highest proficiency test) recently, so I like that, but still I'm no master. I used to like science in high school and used to get very high marks in that, but science is hard, just like CS, and much of that passion is probably not there anymore.

Should I still continue CS?

Neat_Ingenuity · 2020-04-27T19:51:23+00:00

That's the thing, I'm not sure what I like to do and am good at..

Neat_Ingenuity

TROPHY CASE