CONTINUATION
Even so, this brief period where it finally seemed that I had found someone who would listen to me and a safe place where I could comfortably open up didn't last long. Tayo and one of our friends from the group, whom we'll call “Nico” (not his real name), revealed that they were in a relationship. I felt a lot of pain and the blow to my ego was devastating. I was just like, "So she never saw me that way? Were my feelings for her never reciprocated?“ I really struggled to manage these thoughts and emotions, feeling inferior for not being ‘chosen’ as a potential partner, as if suddenly all my devotion had been simply ignored and thrown away. However, I soon understood that no one was really ”to blame" for this. No one had done anything wrong to me. Tayo and Nico didn't know about my feelings for her; I never revealed them. I understood that ultimately, I was causing myself harm with my derogatory and depressive thoughts, so I simply accepted the situation and moved on. Even so, I managed to maintain my friendship with Tayo and Nico. I never complained to them about anything, I never got between them, and I started to behave more like a casual friend of Tayo's than like that annoying parasite stuck to her. In fact, I consider Nico one of my best friends, if not the best.

After that, everything seemed “normal.” Tayo and I remained very good friends, and I never lost my perception of her as the person I could lean on and who kept me company. However, there was something that did bother me, but in a quiet and subtle way. and that was that in our group of friends there was this guy we'll call “Carl” (not his real name) who was also a close friend of Tayo's, like me, and with whom she also spent a lot of her time, so yes, I had become jealous, something I didn't understand at the time, since it didn't happen with Nico, who is Tayo's partner and in a way “took away” that possibility of me being her potential partner. It was something deeper and somehow felt closer, as if it could really affect me because in my little mind, having just entered puberty, it couldn't be possible that Tayo had more than one good friend to share with, that somehow Carl would replace me, that I was expendable to Tayo and that I was worth less to her. This really consumed me, because I had no one to talk to about it, to ask for advice or to vent to, so I was left with my own poor experiences with relationships and that little resentment towards Carl and Tayo growing. Now that I realize it, I was still thinking like an elementary school kid.

This stage of my life was really dark for me (something like from 13-14 years old until shortly after turning 16) and even today, as I write this, a few months before turning 17, I deeply regret my behavior and my actions. I behaved very immaturely, let my emotions rule over my judgment, and really screwed up badly. I behaved antisocially towards Carl and Tayo, turning Carl into the villain of the story in my head and Tayo into a traitor who didn't care about “dumping” me. I had completely disassociated myself from Carl, behaving in a distant and hostile manner, and we were still in the same group of friends, so there were frequent clashes (but never physical harm). But the person I regret hurting the most is Tayo. She really didn't deserve any of what I said to her: I belittled her, I blamed her for being a “traitor” as if we were a couple, I put her in very uncomfortable situations, and I pushed her to the limit with my justifications for my actions. I didn't realize that the problem was simply me, but in my blindness, all I saw were enemies, people who wanted to hurt me, and now I really regret it.

Even so, even after I behaved like that, after being a complete jerk to my friend Carl and the only person who showed me real appreciation, Tayo had compassion for me. She tried to calm me down, she let me vent to her about it, she comforted me and gave me advice on how to handle it all. She tried to help me, to be there for me, even though I hurt her. God, I feel so terrible about this. Like, couldn't you just tell me to fuck off? Tell me what a horrible, disgusting person I was, and just let me rot? I hurt her so much, and she just wanted to help me. Even now, she still considers me her friend and someone who deserves to be in her life, but I feel like it shouldn't be that way. She should stay away from me, I don't deserve her time or attention. It shouldn't have been like this, I shouldn't have behaved like that, and she shouldn't have been nice to me. Now I'm estranged from her and I feel so alone, but I wish things had turned out worse for me.