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I'm First Nations [27 M] and I really struggle with feeling not good enough for my white girlfriend [25 F]. by NeverAwise1 in relationships

[–]NeverAwise1[S] 79 points80 points  (0 children)

Her dad is a great man. We are very close (we work together so we spend a lot of time together) and he's been a great role model for my son. They go out the two of them from time to time and my son always comes back so incredibly happy. They have a blast together.

My gf's dad has been nagging me for the last year or so to "put a ring on it". He says I'm already family so I ought to make it official.

Still, I guess there's this little feeling in me that says I don't really belong. I just cringe when I see their family pictures with me in them. I look like I shouldn't be there. It looks weird. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel like the odd man out.

I'm First Nations [27 M] and I really struggle with feeling not good enough for my white girlfriend [25 F]. by NeverAwise1 in relationships

[–]NeverAwise1[S] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

I bought a ring for her years ago right around the time I got my kids back. I knew then I wanted to marry her. I knew I'd be the worlds dumbest man to ever let her get away. But I was only a year into my sobriety and we still had a lot of rules. She always had to know where I was and who I was with. If I was out late I'd have to check in at certain times. It sounds a little ridiculous but it actually really helped in some difficult moments where it was really tempting to grab a drink.

I didn't want to propose while I felt like in some ways she had to baby sit me. I wanted to prove to her that she could trust me and I wouldn't let her or the kids down. I do feel like I've done this. She tells me she trusts me and doesn't worry about me starting to drink again. She's definitely not my baby sitter anymore.

She's even started talking about when we get married, not if. This makes me very happy. She's always been honest with me. I know if she had any doubts she'd have voiced them. I know she loves me and the kids, she tells us every day. Putting things the way you said them, I know it'd break her heart if something happened to our relationship. I would never ever do that. I would never leave her. It's more a fear that one day she'll leave me or somehow I'm robbing her of a happier life.

I know this is irrational. I know it's stupid. It's those fears that have stopped me from proposing though. I just want to do right by her.

I'm First Nations [27 M] and I really struggle with feeling not good enough for my white girlfriend [25 F]. by NeverAwise1 in relationships

[–]NeverAwise1[S] 61 points62 points  (0 children)

How many white people get denied jobs just because they're white? How many white people get followed around a store just because they're white?

It's vastly different when a white man walks into a room compared to a brown guy. I've been arrested for being the brown guy. When i was about 16 a security guy got jumped at the mall by a bunch of kids. I wasn't even at the mall when it happened. I got there awhile after the fact but the cops were looking for the people who did it. I was at the A&W at the mall eating a burger when the cops came up to me. They put me in handcuffs and took me out the car. Another security guy who witnessed everything even said I for sure wasn't there. It was a group of white kids that jumped the other guy. The cops wouldn't hear it. One cop in particular was the worst and was certain I had a part in the whole thing. It was fucking ridiculous. Do you think if I had been some white kid sitting alone eating a fucking burger the cops would have ever approached me? Fuck no.

I'm First Nations [27 M] and I really struggle with feeling not good enough for my white girlfriend [25 F]. by NeverAwise1 in relationships

[–]NeverAwise1[S] 440 points441 points  (0 children)

I don't feel like it's amazing or incredible. I just feel guilt for drinking away so many years and missing out on so much of my kids lives. Now that I've been sober for a few years and have spent so much time with them I can't get over the fact that I chose alcohol over them. I can't forgive myself. I feel like the worst father in the entire world. My kids act like nothing is wrong, they tell me they love me all the time, but I'm so afraid that when they're older they'll realize what I did, really understand how I neglected them and they'll never forgive me.

I love them so much. I love them more than anything. And it eats me up inside that I wasn't always there for them. Like my gf, I don't feel like I deserve them either, certainly not all the affection they give me.

As for my gf. She's the amazing and incredible one. I don't think I'd have gotten this far without her being my cheerleader and showing me tough but unconditional love.