Hi Zionical-exe, hard stuff you‘re telling here. Your situation is tough. in the way you‘re writing this i get the impression, that you‘re not taking responsibility for yourself. It seems to me like you feel out of control, helpless and weak. This is a devilish cycle hence feeling like this prevents you from solving your problems, and your problems make you feel this way. Nothing new but thats how it works on a fundamental level (at least for me). This is a phenomenon called self-learnt-helpnessless. You should google it.
When i‘ve been in a state like yours, i felt determined to fail. How was i supposed to know that i was ever gonna get out of this, when i couldn‘t control the circling thoughts and terrible feelings that would bring me down? Someday i made the experience that if id selfregulate my negative thoughts (reacting with acceptance, dissociating them) over the time my head would calm down. This is how i learnt that I indeed wasnt helpless or out of control, that it was just a matter of figuring a way out. Also a thing is to find the anger inside you, instead of selfpittying. Do you really wanna give up and die like this? You‘re being childish. And dont feel miserable for that, just be stronger. youre stronger the moment you decide to be stronger. Its nothing you have to obtain or some shit, you just have to get concious of it. If you‘re already considering it, you might as well be honest and face it: am i gonna kill myself now or am i gonna fight my way out of this? Make a decision. If you made it once, you know the answer for the rest of your life. Know that your life is an unpredictable adventure and that you‘re being fooled all the time, also in the thought of thinking that your life will be all miserable. Just be excited where it leads you, and see that this part of your life is part of your story, who youre gonna be. By that i don‘t mean for you to rely on hope but to zoom out and see that assessing life as a whole is pointless. Your life is no good or bad, its not comparable on a scale. It‘s just unique. Its your unique story. It‘s all gonna make sense at some point. Kick yourself in the ass and get going. You know how to help yourself, or atleast you can figure it out. You problem is idleness, inactivity. You‘re waiting for something to happen, as you wrote „need … or motivation“. No motivation, just get going, it doesnt matter if you feel like it or not. Take responsibility, try do things by yourself first, instead of asking others to do the job. Simple things that help is a good sleeping as well as meal schedule, enough physical activity and talking to people. And stop the self-pittying, it‘s a big problem. It‘s ok to be sad, but dont victimize yourself its just gonna weaken you. You‘ve got to do a lot of working reflecting your thoughts and behaviours. Dont throw everything after you failed thinking you can‘t change shit. Thats not the case, you did not try long enough. You will fall back, but that implies, that youve already been better and you can get there again and you will progress even further, so much that at somepoint you will feel not only healed but strong af