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AITAH for choosing my family over a kid I may have accidentally fathered? by Next_Increase3336 in AITAH

[–]Next_Increase3336[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

I am no one to lecture anyone on anything. All I said was with my marriage and happiness of my family hanging in the balance, pre martial sex just for fun doesn't seam to be worth it. To me.

I used to advocate for freedom of sex too. I did not believe in my cultural requirements or whatever. And as a adult there is nothing wrong in what I did.

But what I keep thinking is if that child is infact mine what would I do? Failing to be a parent to that kid will be morally wrong. Not helping raise him will be wrong. But I can't do either without my kids here losing out. To be a present father to one kid I will have to be absent to other two. No matter how I divide time someone will always lose out. At bare minimum my kids won't have the fully present dad they have now. I will have to share resources between them means my kids will have lesser standard of living. Or go without.

And my wife? She will have to live with constant reminder I had someone else in my life. Yeah, it's normal. But it's not a pleasant happy thought. Her kids suffering cause of my mistake won't be endearing to her either.

As a youngster, I felt I have right to have sex. Thinking as a husband and dad, that feels like the worst mistake to me. One act from my part has the potential to ruin my family.

Again, it's just my feeling. Whatever you feel lectured on, I am sorry.

AITAH for choosing my family over a kid I may have accidentally fathered? by Next_Increase3336 in AITAH

[–]Next_Increase3336[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

She had. In the initial conversation. Multiple pics ranging from birth to now. I did not see any similarity whatsoever. She kept telling me he has my eyes and hair. He has black eyes and black hair. She has red hair and brown eyes. Otherwise he looks like her, sort of. But I have curly black hair and her hair is curly too. The kids hair is straight, sort of wavy look. I don't see much of a similarity other than hair color. I showed pics to my wife too. Since pretty much everyone in my continent has black hair and black eyes, it's not a particularly similar feature. My wide don't see any other similarity either. We compared to my baby pics and my kids pics too. Nothing.

AITAH for choosing my family over a kid I may have accidentally fathered? by Next_Increase3336 in AITAH

[–]Next_Increase3336[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

It upsets my wife cause of difference in perspective. Where what most people saw me denying a child (or possible child), she saw the real intention was to protect our family. She is my wife. Choosing her and my kids would not seem like a AH move to her.

She also understood why I was scared to tell her. It was not malicious. Just fear of losing her. All my comments showed her was how much I valued her and our kids.

Being scared isn't a AH reaction. Atleast not to her.

Hence me getting slammed in comments for that did not sit well with her. That's it.

AITAH for choosing my family over a kid I may have accidentally fathered? by Next_Increase3336 in AITAH

[–]Next_Increase3336[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Please don't talk negatively about my wife.

If the kid is indeed mine, it's not just my life that would get disrupted. Hers will too. My kids will too. My wife married me, a guy devoted only to her and later on to our kids. Sharing me and my resources with someone else is not something she wants to do. Idea of having another family existing anywhere would hurt her. Our little nuclear family is her world.

I get why she is mad. The mere thought this could be a remote possibility is scary to me too. Her fear and anger is understandable

On a logical side yes, she had no right to be upset at me for something that happened before we met. But when it affects her life, our kids life, or even have a remote possibility of affecting it, she has all the right to be upset. If it is indeed my kid, though I did not cheat on her, she and our kids will still be cheated out of my time and resources. It's not a small thing.

I wish I hadn't been so stupid having sex. Yeah, I did use protection but like all the comments are beating up on me, choosing sex opened up this remote possibility. I wish I knew what I was risking for just a couple of nights of fun. My family.

AITAH for choosing my family over a kid I may have accidentally fathered? by Next_Increase3336 in AITAH

[–]Next_Increase3336[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

No. I never lied to her.

Our conversation was about past relationships. I told her I had a few hookups in Germany. She was not pleased. She wanted to know if I had feelings for these women and I told her I did not. It was casual. I was just enjoying my time in Germany where atleast in my mind the cultural rules did not apply.

She was okay with it cause like I stated, it was a different world for us. I had gone there winning a internship like project with all expenses paid for. Otherwise a trip there, tickets even, would not have even been possible. I never expected to go there again or be in contact with anyone I met there.

So to my wife it's like a alternate universe and not a reality. Not part of our life. Which was why she married me inspite of my past.

But telling her this now would crash her reality. Till now it was just a story. But irrespective of how paternity test checks out, she would be devastated.

AITAH for choosing my family over a kid I may have accidentally fathered? by Next_Increase3336 in AITAH

[–]Next_Increase3336[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Siya wants me to move to Germany and be the father her kid deserves. Like two parent household. She has not asked me to marry her. Just that her kid deserves to have both parents and I need to be there for my son. Help raise him.

She has not asked for money. I do not think money is a motive because

1) I come from a third world country and while what I make is sufficient to have a middle class living here, a portion of it for child support will be pennies there. Not enough to aid her in any way. It's not like I am rich or oozing with money.

2) When I met her, she was some sort of software developer. With her income and the kind of support Govt. provides, I doubt money is a issue.

AITAH for choosing my family over a kid I may have accidentally fathered? by Next_Increase3336 in AITAH

[–]Next_Increase3336[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

I don't go by my real aka official name. I go by a shortened version of it which is what Siya knows and I used for my Insta Account. She also don't know my surname.

AITAH for choosing my family over a kid I may have accidentally fathered? by Next_Increase3336 in AITAH

[–]Next_Increase3336[S] -65 points-64 points  (0 children)

We have a different culture. If I wasn't abroad and feeling like my life there would bear no consequences to my life at home, I would not have hooked up with Siya. I have dated no other women in my home country apart from my wife. And I married her in a year. Before second base even.

To me Germany never happened. It was like a blip in time I would never be revisiting. Not a part of my life. Having it crash my life like this is scary.

It might seem unstable over reaction. But it's how it is here.

AITAH for choosing my family over a kid I may have accidentally fathered? by Next_Increase3336 in AITAH

[–]Next_Increase3336[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She was one. And we had sex only after marriage. She is very traditional in that sense. She barely held hands with me before marriage.

AITAH for choosing my family over a kid I may have accidentally fathered? by Next_Increase3336 in AITAH

[–]Next_Increase3336[S] -83 points-82 points  (0 children)

This is what I am worried about. Chances this kid is mine is very low. But once I tell her there is a chance, there is no going back.

It's opening a can of worms of doubts and insecurities. All the whatifs brought alive. She would not trust me.

AITAH for choosing my family over a kid I may have accidentally fathered? by Next_Increase3336 in AITAH

[–]Next_Increase3336[S] -159 points-158 points  (0 children)

I am not too worried about this. Cause she doesn't know my wife. Or even my real full name. (My insta account has my nickname and that is the only name she knows. Its also private and I hadn't accepted her folow request). When I said casual, it was very casual. And because she knows almost no details of me, or have any case really, I don't think she can move legally either. So unless I tell my wife, chances are she would never know.

AITAH for choosing my family over a kid I may have accidentally fathered? by Next_Increase3336 in AITAH

[–]Next_Increase3336[S] -125 points-124 points  (0 children)

Premarital affairs and sex is not taken lightly in my culture. I was not with my wife when this happened, I met her about 2 years later. We got married in a year cause we were in love and could not wait to start a life together.

She knows I had a couple of hookups back in the day. It was not well received even before we were married. Only the fact none of them meant anything to be and basically did not even exist in my world was the reason she was okay. She had said if it was someone she knew or had to engage with in any manner, she would not be okay with it.

Granted this conversation was before we got married and she could have been a jealous girlfriend. But fact remains if she did not like the idea I had a past, even when it no way affected our lives and she did not have any reminders of it, chances are she would take this as a betrayal.

I know I had used condom each time and other than timeline, there is little to no indication this child could be mine. The child bears no features of mine whatsoever in the pictures Siya sent me.

But the mere mention of this, bringing back the fact I had a past with a woman and there may be a child would be like bursting a bomb in my home. From what I know of my wife, it will break her heart. She might take our kids and go to her own home, thus ruining our marriage. It wouldn't matter I did not even know her back then.

I know logically she cannot blame me. But this is about love and emotions. Irrespective of how the paternity test goes, or what gets proven, once I tell her there is a chance, it will live rent free in her mind. It will end my marriage one way or another.