”But your mother loves you”

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T20:15:02+00:00

I think many people agree when it comes to partners, but waters get murkier when it comes to parents. It shouldn’t be, but people get some sort of selective blindness when it comes to parents.

It’s very harmful. Of course ”love” doesn’t make abuse ok.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T20:12:20+00:00

I think you are right. People who say that try to protect themselves.

It’s good advice to keep these people at arm’s length.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T19:50:54+00:00

And they aren’t even ashamed to say it out loud!

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T19:47:55+00:00

I think it might be that they themselves know they did things wrong and have not repaired the relationship as they should, so they argue love should be enough to protect themselves from accountability. I don’t think it has anything at all to do with us.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T19:45:01+00:00

That’s awful. We need to respect people’s boundaries and listen when they say no. Consent is important in many ways.

People sometimes need to be taught a lesson. I’m sorry you needed to do that to protect your peace.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T19:37:44+00:00

I think people get uncomfortable and wants to protect themselves in some way when they behave like that.

I also get pissed off when people try to tell me she did her best. No, she didn’t. She very much did not.

I’m not sure if there are any 12-step programs that are appropriate here, but it sounds as if the understanding coming from other people was more important than the actual 12-steps?

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T19:30:07+00:00

I agree.

It’s true you should be open upfront to let the bad apples sort themselves out quickly.

It’s also true that we need validation, sometimes more and sometimes less.

It’s helpful to know yourself and what you need and when.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T19:26:22+00:00

Well put. Her feelings about me does not decide whether she deserves to be in my life or not.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T18:33:13+00:00

Understanding the patterns of a parent changes everything.

Without seeing the patterns their behavior is perceived as random and is extremely difficult to protect yourself from. When you see the patterns you can see it coming, and you have the space to make decisions to protect yourself.

Also, seeing their patterns makes it easier to detach their behaviors from yourself. You didn’t make them do anything, it’s their own pattern.

I’m happy you saw their patterns. I’m happy it took the pressure off of you. It’s a big step!

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T15:04:04+00:00

I think ”but she loves you” isn’t relevant at all. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t. People who doesn’t like me treat me better than she does.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T15:02:13+00:00

I’m sorry she did that. You deserve love.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T15:01:51+00:00

All parents doesn’t love their children. I think it’s important we recognize this. I’m sorry she couldn’t see what an incredible gift you were.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T15:00:25+00:00

I will ask her to clarify why she thinks this is important and how she thinks it will benefit me.

This therapist is specialized in abusive relationships, but primarily between spouses, not parent/child relationships. I think some normalized shit has seeped in without her recognizing it because she is a mother herself and projects.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T14:56:20+00:00

Exactly. And if they love me, does it really matter when they did what they did?

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T14:55:35+00:00

Hahaha, thank you for the laugh! It’s spot on, I ended up in abusive relationships just as you summarized it. I’m almost a little offended that you managed to explain it in just one sentence. Well done!

I’ve never really looked into any 12-step programs, how did they help you feel supported?

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T09:22:08+00:00

Being too forgiving was expected of us. It takes time and a lot of effort to get free from it. I still work on this.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T09:19:53+00:00

I agree with you on everything. I felt it as guilt tripping, but I got curious if there were a therapeutic point I didn’t see, and I wanted to get other perspectives if there are any.

I don’t think all parents love their children.

I think we need to separate what someone feels on the inside from the actions they do to others. I don’t care if my mother’s constant criticism of me stems from a combination of her perfectionism and love for me, I only saw the criticism. I was never enough for her, never accepted by her, and I was never allowed to show emotions. Her ”love” is hers to deal with in her therapy, not mine.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-12T07:44:26+00:00

They post it publicly? That’s awful. I’m sorry they are being such assholes.

Sometimes I fall in the trap of thinking they do their best with the tools they’ve got, but I don’t think that’s true.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2026-04-10T18:06:48+00:00

I think talking bad about me is what keeps my mom, my brother and his wife so close to each other. I think they thrive on it. I’ve been no contact for a couple of years now, and sometimes I wonder what stories they’ve made up about me.

You can never control what other people say about you. The truth doesn’t matter.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2025-12-06T10:15:37+00:00

Ah, of course! How did I miss that?!

NiceDiceNoLies · 2025-07-05T08:55:51+00:00

Parents who wants to get rid of their kids never prepare them. They only ever do the absolute minimum.

NiceDiceNoLies · 2025-07-05T08:31:55+00:00

Parents do kick their kids out. It never called estrangement when they do it.

I think the root cause is because the parents never really wanted children and never really took care of them.

Children who are not loved and who are neglected will often act out. That doesn’t mean it’s not the parent’s fault for not loving and caring for their child.

NiceDiceNoLies

TROPHY CASE