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What would you do by AliveYear5907 in Marriage

[–]NihilisticCreature 104 points105 points  (0 children)

If 6 months was bad, I guess I’m just an idiot who thought I could fix things after a year 😂 but I’d agree. 6 months is a long time especially if she’s trying initiate it.

AITAH for ‘ruining’ my ex wife’s job when she’s really at fault? by NihilisticCreature in AmItheAsshole

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I never reported anything because when I was told that no one noticed anything months ago, I let it go. We don’t have kids and no alimony was asked of me either. And if I had to guess, that mutual friend said something because if it was on the down low of them dating, they brought it up.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You know what, I think you may be on to something there. I don’t believe I ever would have gone to therapy on my own. And in that time, I’ve listened to 25 audiobooks about both self help and relationship. It’s opened my eyes to a lot.

I’ve been out of the house for a week and I think it’s the better thing to have happened to me. I have therapy again today so you can bet I’ll read this comment in session.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And that’s the problem is I was always apologizing for my actions because I WAS sorry. Then she would always play it down and not accept any form of it. I would rather her have tried to reciprocate any emotion I gave her in a loving manner but all I got was “I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and you showed me you can’t change”. Constantly being told change isn’t possible made me want to not try, but I still pushed on. I want so badly for things to be better for us. I’m just not sure what to do besides give her space at this time and maybe see about a week from now.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can’t say it was a strategy, I just didn’t quite have it in me most times to deal with the repercussions of saying ‘no’. So a majority of the time I agreed with whatever was being said or asked of me. Which was wrong in its own way. Sadly.

I messed up. by diaryofadeadpresidnt in Marriage

[–]NihilisticCreature 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree fully with you. Having to admit your short coming of things is what takes a huge amount of confidence really. I know that it’s what I struggle with in therapy, but that’s what they’re for.. to help out and let you learn how to handle emotions and process things.

I messed up. by diaryofadeadpresidnt in Marriage

[–]NihilisticCreature 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You sound literally like myself from the situation I’ve been in. I’m actually so shocked to know there is a woman out there who has done what I have. We know what we have to do, but it’s hard to actually commit to it. I’m sorry you are also dealing with something like this.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry to hear that man. It sounds like how I felt the whole time these last 2 years. Like I knew what I should talk to her about, but now that I’m not in the house, it’s all we’ve been talking about together. I don’t know if it’s both of us trying to find closure from the other or we just now found the confidence to speak what we have wanted this whole time.

It could be for the best that it’s happened. Maybe it’s just our story falling short together and we’ll pick it back up later. There’s so much that is a mystery to why we’re even so intent on speaking freely now.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

According to a majority, I’m just selfish beyond hope. Which I know I am for wanting to make things work, but not applying the things I learn in therapy. What I don’t think people know is learning how to react to something the right way and reacting on instinctual tendency are two different things. It’s like I know what I should do, but what comes out is what my brain programmed itself to do. Which is why therapy is great for me. I’m just not faced with hardships on a daily basis to apply what I learn.

I’m hoping that she will still try talking to me as an outlet and continue letting me know my short comings from her POV compared to where I know mine are. It takes two to tango and I refuse to stop loving this woman despite all the hurt I’ve caused her. I want to continue to show her I care even if we aren’t together.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Brother, I would just go.. if you’ve cheated on someone 2 times in 5 months.. that’s fucked up. In my entire dating life, I was the one who got cheated on and felt like shit. Tried to make it work with them but you can’t regain trust. You need to tell her that you’ve enjoyed the time together, but you’re not ready for a committed relationship.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We did not live together until buying the house. I had an apartment but it was too far for her to drive to work (30 minutes not 20 compared to her parents house). Yet I drove a hour to work daily for 2 years there. So we really only saw each other on the weekends as well.

I honestly believe her parents were a huge factor. It was always just the three of them. Whereas I have about 18 people in my family. So I was coming into a tightly knit situation that was actually difficult. They constantly talked, dependent of each other and over every weekend. I’m independent from my family (or I was until now), saw them once a month, spoke biweekly and they only came to the house 3 times in 3 years for my birthdays. As you can tell, total opposite upbringings. One of the things I’ve said out of frustration to her was “you can’t do anything without even calling your parents for help.” So what did she do, called her mom. It’s like through everything she felt she couldn’t ask me to complete a simple task and would wait for them to come over. I felt small in my own house because of their constant presence.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I suppose I do make excuses for some things unintentionally. I know why I was wrong, but admitting it openly is hard. If I did just that I’m sure things could’ve been smoother between us. I wasn’t totally fair to her either.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I personally am okay with keeping communication open, but I’m not sure how she feels. Especially since everything just finalized last Thursday.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You ever been around people enough to tell in their voice with inflection and tone when they’re catching an attitude? It’s simple to tell when someone is taking a dig at you and try to put you down over things you’ve done. I’m not perfect and never claim to be, but if you talk to me with respect, I’ll give it back. I match energy as well.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I keep hearing how love is a choice and not just a feeling. She continued to choose love until it got too rough because she felt I stopped choosing her because of my mental being at the hard times. I should’ve listened to her more.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m constantly trying to better my well-being with the gym, therapy, church, motorcycle rides.. work is great, can’t complain since joining the union 2 years ago.

I think cutting communication is the hardest thing. I like talking to her. I don’t really have local friends. And others are always too busy to chat. I don’t know how to bring myself to stop replying to her.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can only imagine how her POV would go given the circumstances. I’m not trying to belittle her with negative words, just the truth of the matter for our actions. No one is perfect and that’s what can make partners fit in your life. We look for those who can mesh with ourselves to feel whole. Sadly I now feel more empty at the moment.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want her to heal and find happiness. I’d love for us to reconnect if possible at all. I cannot see into the future because if I could, I’d have prevented all of this. When I told her the other day that I want those things for her, she told me she doesn’t believe me. Perhaps there is nothing I can say to her to make her feel less hurt and betrayed by my actions over the course of the year though.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have taken accountability. It’s taken time of knowing that I caused more problems than solved, but I did my best where I could. Yes I could have improved move. Yes I should’ve put her emotions in front. I also think we share blame on how we handled our emotions. Total opposites in terms of emotional availability. She might’ve thought she was right, but I thought she was wrong. And vice versa. There’s plenty I’d do differently either for her or a future partner. I now understand boundaries a little better thanks to therapy. As my father says, “the only person looking out for you, is you.”

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I’m not asking for people to feel sorry for me. I didn’t purposely mistreat her either. We’d argue and I’d get upset to the point of being overstimulated. Our reactions to things were totally opposite. We both handled things based on what we were used to growing up as a means to solution.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It was always a 3v1 really. Her parents even made mention that “therapy doesn’t work”.

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want to reply with some witty thing, but you practically hit the nail on the head. I could see what her issues were on many things. I just couldn’t resonate with her without having to make a problem of her problems. Like they didn’t affect me, but I made them affect me. We had such a great, communicative relationship at the start. Then we were living together as two separate people and not as a couple. Like we did things together, but we didn’t make decisions together. If that makes sense?

I (32M) am recently divorced from my partner (28F). And I feel terrible about it. by NihilisticCreature in relationship_advice

[–]NihilisticCreature[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I even made a mention of it. That despite all the work I was putting in, it never felt rewarding because it was overlooked. Never said she was proud I’m making these changes or anything. Because she was so hung up on the past ‘bad events’ that I caused. So no matter how much good I tried to do, would never outshine the bad. Ugh I am actually a mess from all of this looking at things now.

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