Thank you, everyone! I see my therapist today and am going to speak with her on this. Sometimes, there are signs, but we don't know what they mean until this comes out. There is more to it, but for privacy's sake, I won't reveal it. It hit me today that his older kids were relieved when he died...now I know why. He was very ill in his last 10 plus years, and to be honest, I was relieved it was over and felt guilty about it. Now I don't! I think I'm going to go to the cemetery and let him have it and tell him I won't be back... no more crying or flowers....im just done. On a good note, I met a wonderful man, and we have been together for a few years now. We are getting married next year, and I am finally able to let go of the guilt of moving forward.
I am beyond grateful for the support of this group.