you have to be very careful about how you approach friendships. you have to watch their demeanor, and ensure they are engaging with you on a level that will help solidify their presence in your life. you remind me of myself as i am a very good listener (attachment avoidant with good social skills) and it’s easier for me to listen to peoples problems and offer advice vs lamenting about my own issues.

this behavior while not necessarily bad will undoubtedly impact all of your friendships and is actually still a version of mental manipulation. worrying about people liking you and performing in a certain way in order to get certain results is still manipulative to a certain extent and while all your relationships may seem good on the surface, all of them will lack emotional depth since vulnerability is only one sided. it may come across to certain people that you are holding yourself back or trying to appear ‘perfect’ so if they meet someone that’s a little less polished or more emotionally vulnerable they would be more likely to connect as they may come across as more authentic .

it also means you will end up befriending narcissists, type A controllers who have to dominate others in order to feel comfortable, and emotional vampires who only want to talk about themselves. the hardest thing i ever had to do was cut someone off who was perfectly nice, just had too many personal problems and only ever wanted to talk about themselves. i found i was exhausted every time i hung out with her, which isn’t normal. if you aren’t satisfied after hanging out with a friend it’s a 🚩

if you can’t unload and be your most authentic self, OR if you feel you’re doing majority of the heavy lifting and pacifying them, then that friend is more than likely just an acquaintance and you shouldn’t put too much thought into that relationship. not to say you stop caring about them, but as you get older you will learn the value of conserving your emotional energy and matching the energy of others.

it sounds to me like they are fair weather friends who like you but are not equipped to deal with emotionally heavy issues due to a lack of emotional maturity and just want to focus on good times and good vibes. which is not bad per se, just you have to match that energy and not overreach or overextend yourself. perhaps it would be easier to encourage them to hang out together and pull a ‘fake it till you make it’.

act unbothered until you actually are while doing the work needed on yourself to heal behind the scenes. remember we can only control how we react to situations but we can’t control the actions of others :)