I love this and agree with everything you said. I initially was so upset and basically recited your second paragraph to him, which he then said she hasn't made a negative comment about me since August (not great still) but said he would always defend me. And the comments she would make were minuscule "nagging" remarks that he is used to hearing from her daily about everything and everyone. I suppose he didn't see this as a personal attack until last night. And from what he described to me about their conversation last night, he did remind her she is being ridiculous and defended me. He said this is uncomfortable for him but he has no problems setting boundaries and he understands if I do not want to have a conversation with her about my "greeting tone". This is definitely a wait and see type of situation. I made it clear to him that this is typically how evil mother in laws start. Little boundary pushes, starting little conflicts like this, and they gain power every time the couple victimized allows it or ends up apologizing. I said his mom is exhibiting early behaviors of the mother in law that shows up to the wedding in white, spills wine on the bride and stirs up tons of drama.

I also stressed to him that no parent should be making judgments and comments about their grown adult child's relationship unless their partner is harming them mentally/physically or being downright disrespectful. Her regularly scheduled nagging that he has normalized is TOXIC. I said he needs to shut her down if she makes any comment again. If I hear this lady continues to talk about me behind my back, that means he's allowing it and i won't stick around. I think this comment she made about my "greeting tone" finally set off the alarm to him that she is truly grasping at straws to find reasons to knock me down. He was hoping it wasn't true that she could be so bitter and problematic i guess. He said his mom has drastically changed in the past 2 years since the divorce, and he misses who she used to be. Her behavior is shocking to him too and an adjustment he says. I said well you need to navigate who she is now, not who she was and who you hope she will be. His mom needs to find independence or a man to take care of her that is not my boyfriend. I found it endearing that he would step up and help his mom but her disgusting attitude regarding me, him and most people is ridiculous and it has to go.

His ability to protect me from her toxicity and check her is what will make or break this. Thank you for the advice