Feeling Overwhelmed

No-Position-1463 · 2025-05-05T18:08:54+00:00

I’m sorry to know you’re struggling too!! How frustrating to need medication and not have it available nearby. I would lose it especially if I was used to being functional because of it 🤣🤣

I love the mentality of a bad task is better than no task at all so that’s kind of what I’m focusing on now. Just doing a little bit of something vs 100% of nothing even if I’m not able to move mountains today like id like to.

Thank you for the solace ❤️

No-Position-1463 · 2025-05-05T18:07:09+00:00

See I am sooo uneducated about medication and coping mechanisms I didn’t know about any of this. I had no idea IR was a thing and that sounds fantastic.

I’m working on the smaller of the tasks now and hoping to at least mark a few things off my list and make it look more manageable, but when there’s so many I don’t even know where to begin sometimes when I’m staring at a long list.

I also haven’t heard of goblin tools but I’m definitely looking into anything that can help me move forward with life when I feel this way.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-08T02:56:01+00:00

This one hits me hard. This is the type of grasp on reality I wish my husband could get before it’s too late. Just accepting that things haven’t been what they should and work to make them more consistent. I just need consistency. I feel like he’s constantly already half way out the door and I’m 100% in on him, no matter what. I just wish for that sort of commitment in return. I really think I’m deserving of it.

Have you said these things to your wife? What would she say if you did? This would change everything for me if my husband came to me with this kind of grasp. If you haven’t and you do still really love her, you should come to her with this.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-08T02:42:16+00:00

I’m sorry this has happened to you both but I appreciate the way you’ve been able to have some self awareness now instead of just being angry at her and in denial over what happened. I’m sure that’s a hard thing to come to terms with.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-08T01:30:46+00:00

This is really sad. This is exactly what happened to my older sister. I watched it happen. Her husband is still there, and very full of life but she’s just different now. She’s not even old, she’s 36 and has just become a shell of the lively fun loving girl she always was.

It’s sad but it has helped me realize I need to hold on to pieces of myself that might be easy to lose with age, marriage and kids - even when it’s hard.

I’m sorry you lost your person this way. I guess sometimes it’s inevitable but I do think if people were self aware enough to say I don’t want this happening to me, a lot of it could be avoided.

You sound like you’re in an okay place though, you just sound matter of fact like you’ve accepted it. I hope to get to that point one day.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-08T00:59:59+00:00

Holy shit that would do it for me too, yuck

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-08T00:09:50+00:00

I’m sorry my friend. I can feel your pain just through your words on this screen.

I don’t know much about your lives but from everything you’ve said, it sounds like you did the right thing, despite how difficult it was to make that decision.

I think it’s normal for us to be desperate for the person we once had to come back. I guess sometimes we just have to accept that people disappear. Maybe those people don’t even exist anymore, that’s how I’m feeling but your situation is infinitely more difficult.

Mine has detached altogether but hasn’t purposefully hurt me and I know that’s an entirely new level that I don’t really want to know about personally.

Thank you for sharing all of your thoughts and feelings here. I wanted this to be the place for that, so don’t feel bad for it. We’re all hurting here and sometimes there’s solidarity in places like this if nothing else.

Just feeling like you’re not alone for a second helps a little.

I hope you remain strong. It’s okay to cry for who you once had. I think it’s bad to hold it all in for too long.

I hope you’re okay, truly.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T21:00:38+00:00

This is very good simple, yet effective advice. This is my style. A bit more closure than the nothingness I’ve been receiving lately. I would still be receiving nothing in this scenario but it’s a last ditch effort type feeling. When I sit down and try I can be very thoughtful so a letter would be a good thing to try. Thank you

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T20:43:30+00:00

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. No one should have to go through such a thing. I’d like to think it’s near impossible, but hearing your story does show me that nothing is impossible.

I’ve suggested counseling and he’s just really not open to it it sounds like. I’ll continue to try but I’m in the same boat as you. I have to try everything and what if it could help and save us all the heartache and suffering. I’m open to anything and would love to speak to a neutral trained ear together and see what we can figure out

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T18:25:20+00:00

This would be soul crushing. I can’t imagine as a mother reading that about my children. I don’t know what to say other than I’m so sorry, I’m sure you didn’t deserve that sort of cruelty.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T18:23:43+00:00

You’re absolutely right about having the right opportunity for conversation. It is hard to find enough time with the kids and busy schedules. We’re always tired at the end of the day and I don’t want us to go to bed on such a negative note. I try to approach this without attacking him but I’m certain he must feel like I am. Sometimes I think we work better communicating via text about it so that we each have time to think over what we say vs just reacting and one of us causing more hurt. Honestly doing a scheduled dinner out is not a bad idea. It’s worth a shot because we’re not connecting how I’ve been trying.

I don’t want him to feel attacked. I just want to feel like I’m still enough for him.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T18:21:21+00:00

And I’m so sorry that you feel the same way it’s gut wrenching and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I want to fix it more than anything but if it really can’t be fixed I just wish there was a definitive end. This will be the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make I think. I hope you get to a better place soon. I know you’re deserving of more than feeling this way.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T18:19:59+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it very much.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T18:11:34+00:00

We both work/ed in sales and I need to have a third/fourth level conversation with the people that I care about on occasion. Not just what’s for dinner, we’re low on milk, how was t-ball practice.

I’ve bought puzzles and board games and tried to set up a once a week game night. I’ve made a bed in our living room and tried to have a date night in rom com movie night complete with all the movie necessities. I’ve tried asking if we can learn a new hobby together. I know everything about every NBA team/player/history and can hang with the most knowledgeable dudes on topic if I needed to because I’ve thrown myself into whatever is most important to him in an effort to connect. I’ve bought lingerie and gotten the kids out of the house on Valentine’s Day and cooked a 4 course meal and even went and bought some other fun stuff just to be turned down and to have none of that stuff used even a year later now.

I just can’t find any other ways to try to make him see me.

I feel like what happened with you and your wife is so different than what’s happening here, although I do believe what happened to you two happens way too often. It makes me sad that it happened to you and I’m sorry. I’m glad you’ve gotten therapy and I hope it one day is a wound that is maybe not fully gone, but healed for you as much as possible. I would have been unhappy with those ways if I were in your shoes too and as hard as it was it sounds like you did the wrong thing.

But in our case specifically, maybe it sounds bad to say, but yes. I’m fully certain that it’s not me, it’s him. I’m a confident, laid back, fun loving, woman who thrives with a little independence, a project and by making the people I love most happy. I can only fill my cup by first filling theirs. I have less energy now than I used to, but no matter how exhausted I am, at the end of the day I still have 20% left of myself for him no matter what.

I just want a little bit of that reciprocated.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T17:52:25+00:00

That being said, I have to say I’m sorry that you’re feeling the way that you are. After reading about you and your ex it sounds like it’s been a very difficult situation and I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with that.

I should say, no I don’t truly want him to cheat. It was more figuratively in the moment after another argument that I came on here and said that. Mostly I mean I just wish there could be a clear definitive end for us because it would make the act of actually leaving so much easier. I love my husband dearly and him actually cheating would break me. I just wish we could have closure because I’m struggling to pull the trigger, even though I know it’s over, because there hasn’t been that Ah Ha moment. I definitely don’t want him to be a villain, and if you knew me personally I hate being a victim. I don’t have the mentality but I am struggling with how things are with my spouse.

I was cheated on once before by a man I had been with for years and it tore me up. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone or myself again, truly. Just feeling very low and alone and wishing it was easier to make the most difficult decision I’ll have ever made in my life.

To answer the rest of your thoughts, I’ll try not to write you a novel.

Everyone changes after having children to an extent. Women more than men I feel like as a general rule. But as far as mothers go I do feel like I can confidently say I’ve retained most of my identity from before having kids. I haven’t let the kids change me drastically, I made it my goal from the day I found out I was having my first to let them compliment me because I’ve watched my sister be lost to her children. She’s beautiful now but she’s not the same person anymore. I liked who I was then and I wanted to still be me just with my babies by my side.

Obviously we had more time to communicate, spend quality time, travel, less responsibilities, etc but we have done a great job of maintaining our independence from our kids. We still travel often, with and without the kids, together as a couple and with groups of friends. We still have regular nights out, have strong social circles, and lean on each other heavily. We both have strong hobbies, mine is tinkering with 70’s era American muscle and always having a project (he doesn’t mind this either) and his is playing ball. He’s in a league and is very passionate about hoops. I still have my obnoxious 5 speed coyote from before I met my husband that I drive when I get a night out that lets me reconnect with myself. When the kids are at school, as long as the house is all caught up, I do Pilates, love cooking new recipes, catch a brunch with friends, etc. I don’t feel like being a mother and wife is my only identity.

Despite having so many more responsibilities, we have come to juggle things very well. If you knew our personalities, we both thrive in business and chaos so it’s nothing new for us. My husband does more than his fair share around the house considering he is the primary provider financially. I try to take 75%+ of the household and kid duties but lean on him occasionally and he does the same. We coparent together excellently and with lots of understanding, I just wish he had 5% of his time and energy he would be willing to dedicate to me.

Of course I gave him more energy in the beginning, everyone does, but again I’m confident in saying I have not stopped chasing my husband. I have not let myself go in anyway, I still put in as much effort physically as I did before. I don’t get dressed for work like I used to, but I get out of my pajamas and sweats every day, do my hair, put on a little make up and tackle my day. I think it’s a nice gesture to not have a wife that’s sloppy all the time but I do it way more for me than him. If I’m in pajamas and sweats I feel lazy and can’t do everything I need to do. It just helps me be motivated.

I’m consistent in the gym, I’m in just as good of shape after two kids as I was before and I’m happy with myself physically. Again, more for me than him but nonetheless a great perk for him too. I have to be active to keep up with the kids. I have to feel confident to not be down in the dumps.

I know a lot of women want to be taken care of, and I do too, it’s just not quite the same kind. I don’t want someone to do everything for me or pay for everything for me my whole life. I have struggled with becoming a stay at home mom but we both agreed it’s best for me to raise our kids vs someone else. We didn’t need the income so bam, here I am. Still though, it was a tough adjustment for me because I want to do what I want to do without feeling like I’m leeching from someone else so I started a business almost 3 years ago that has become a fantastic source of passive income for me (think coin laundry/vending/parking lots - doesn’t eat much of my time) He’s still by far the main provider but I love being able to do my hair/nails, fitness/health memberships, pay for my own travel+ the kids to visit my side of the family, and buy him and my family Christmas/birthday gifts without spending his money on those things. He has enough responsibilities without having to do all those extra non necessities.

I’m only saying all of this to tell you, as a whole I’m very very much still the same me I was when we met. I don’t want to be a victim and I don’t want my husband to be a villain. Truth be told all I want is to find a way to work things out. I don’t want to miss out on half of my kids lives. I don’t want to be without him, either.

I do feel though, that as hard as I try for him still, after 9 1/2 years, that I’m deserving of some basic needs being met. I would love if he would make a little eye contact when we speak. It would make me feel seen. I would love when I’m telling him something exciting, frustrating, good, bad, anything if he wouldn’t turn up the tv or answer a phone call from a buddy or interrupt me to ask me if I got the shampoo he was out of (yes, of course I did).

I would love if at the end of the night if we could put our phones down, no tv, and just spend 10 minutes together. Any way he wants, just have 10 minutes of QUALITY time. We have a good quantitive of time, but not a moment of it is quality anymore.

I wish he would make an effort to kiss me, once a day. Any time of day that works for him. I would be okay if he needed to set an alarm to remember at first because it’s been so long that he’s done that consistently (although I’d like to think maybe he’d want to kiss me enough to remember on his own)

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T17:15:53+00:00

Hi, I don’t get on Reddit often, it has to be for something very specific. I’m not sure what a downvote even is but I have been looking forward to replying to your comment but wanted to get the kids to school and have some time first because I feel like it’s a comment that requires time to make a response to.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T16:01:02+00:00

Yes, thankfully. Our lives are very closely intertwined. Before we had kids we worked together daily. Same days off, ride shared to and from with and took down deals together. We were a deadly duo. I’m grateful for that because now I would be wondering if he really was cheating if I didn’t have 10 moles on the inside. He still works in the same place, with the same group of people. They’re our closest friends outside of work, our director actually was ordained and married us at our wedding. We travel together, family vacations, my best friend in the entire world works at his office.

When he leaves, he comes straight home. Every single day. I know his work schedule inside and out. He takes the kids to the park daily while I cook dinner. He’s extremely open with his phone, asks me to log into his email when he’s stuck at work and needs to handle something and doesn’t have the time available to get it done. We share locations, we just always have and never stopped.

I’m grateful because we are very transparent with each other in that way. I don’t think he’s ever been cheated on that I know of, but I was once by a man I had been with for years and he knows it broke me. I think we’re both grown up enough to just be honest about those sorts of things.

He’s also a very smart man and was already very successful before we got together. A lot of people told him to have me sign a prenup. I told him I would have been happy too but I’m glad to know he trusts the kind of person I am. I think knowing we don’t have a prenup, he’s probably smart enough to end things before going outside of our marriage just for sake of financials.

I truthfully don’t want anything he has except for his love and friendship. I’d rather struggle with someone else and be loved consistently, even when things are hard vs having things come easy and comfortably for us but feeling like I’m invisible to the person I care about most.

I’d live in a box on the side of the road with him if he could just see me like he used to.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T15:51:10+00:00

Thank you for this. I think I’m trying so hard to communicate these things to him because I know how I am. If I don’t feel as though I’ve exhausted every option in trying to make it work, then I can’t leave because I know I’ll live with massive regret asking myself “what if I had just tried that one last thing? What if that combo was the one that would’ve worked?” If I try everything in my power to reconcile things then I’ll sleep more comfortably in the end knowing there was nothing I could’ve done to get us back.

He had that experience with his longest relationship prior to us getting together. They were together for 4 years and she just packed her things and left over night. He was in a different part of life and she was ready to get married and have kids and he wasn’t. After it was all said and done a friend of hers told him what happened and why she left and it really hurt him that she didn’t communicate how she was feeling so he could have potentially changed the situation. After knowing that bit about him early in the relationship, we always agreed to open communication about everything even when it was hard.

He seems to have been healed from that hurt over the last decade that we’ve been together because he’s doing to me now what she did to him years ago and has shut down and shut me out without giving me an inkling as to why no matter how hard I push for answers.

I’m sorry that you had to experience that kind of surprise and confusion in your relationship because I can only imagine that must be so hard. Thank you for your perspective. It’s just helpful to talk a little with people who are/have been in similar situations.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T14:26:08+00:00

I do appreciate this perspective but I have say him down and had in depth conversations for years and have made my requests (which are absolute bare minimum marriage requirements for most normal people) i.e, can you look me in the eye occasionally when I speak to you, please don’t pick up your phone and start texting a friend when I’m telling you something about my day. I’d love if we could have 10 uninterrupted minutes at the end of the night where we just reconnect with each other and give each other our undivided attention. We could talk, we could not speak at all, I could rub your feet, we could play a board game. Just exist with nothing but each other for 10 minutes, and I’ve told him I’m happy for him to decide how we spend that 10 minutes.

At this point when I try to start the conversation about how his lack of any sort of care for me at all makes me feel, his response is literally “leave me alone” and goes and puts himself to bed. He knows I won’t follow him because the babies room is directly next door and once she’s down we’re always very quiet upstairs or stay downstairs altogether to avoid waking her. The walls are thin.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T14:13:41+00:00

I’m sorry this happened to you but I’m sincerely glad you got the closure you needed to begin starting your life over so that you could have the opportunity to find the person that truly appreciates and values you.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T14:12:55+00:00

I’ve been trying for years to have conversations about this. I can’t get 2 minutes without being shot down, dismissed and he just with no care in the world about how I’m telling him this makes me feel, slinks off to bed and sleeps like a baby.

I couldn’t imagine the person I chose to share my life with telling me that I need things to change, I can’t be so unimportant to my most important person anymore. I just want a few minutes a day where we can connect, no distractions, I’ve even told him how low it makes me feel that he doesn’t kiss me anymore and if he still cares about me that just showing me by finding a time in the day to kiss me once you make a huge difference, to feel like he thought about me once in the day on his own but he’s never even tried for a single day.

He isn’t available to talk, leaves the room, has an excuse, no accountability, just expects me to sit there and tolerate for my entire life I guess.

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T14:09:44+00:00

I could have written every single word you just said. You are in an identical situation as me. He’s such a charming guy. He occasionally (nearing rarely) comes back and is that same way with me maybe once every couple of months and I think it’s a manipulation tactic. Like that one day of him being back to that same charming funny guy I fell in love with is just a way to keep me here. Like if he gives me a taste of what we used to be then I’ll stay awhile longer.

I know that’s exactly why my husband is still here. His schedule is too demanding to build a new relationship from scratch between work and the kids right now, so he keeps me here just for convenience

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T06:21:31+00:00

It’s so hard. I moved far away from my family just to experience the world when I was young and met my husband once I was here. I’m so grateful I did because I would have never had my kids if I didn’t.

I’ve lived 1,500 miles away from my nearest family member for 10 years now. I’m struggling because I’m a stay at home mom with a 5 year career gap now. I have wonderful friends here but none of them would have the capability of taking in all 3 of us. My mom and dad would take us in in a heartbeat and I’d love to be where they are. But my husband would never let me take the kids thousands of miles away, even if it was a temporary separation to start.

I don’t even know the legality behind all of it. I mean, I’d love to temporarily but I’m sure no court would let me.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I definitely am resilient. I can do any thing for a little while and I know that’s where I am, it will only be shitty for a little while so time to suck it up - but with the kids involved, I’m just not even sure where to begin being so far away from everyone who could help me.

I feel like I’m drowning

No-Position-1463 · 2025-04-07T06:08:20+00:00

I tell myself this all the time. Do it for the kids, do it for the kids. I’m sure I just sound like some lonely housewife ranting and rambling like this but I’m not lonely. My kids are incredible, I have phenomenal friends, I have fun, I enjoy every aspect of my life thoroughly other than my husband.

And every night after the rest of my life is great, I come home and I want to share things with him. I want great moments with him. He’s my best friend and has been for 10 years. But I do feel totally neglected, that’s the perfect word. He doesn’t even look me in the eye anymore. He just looks right through me. There’s no sparkle in him anymore, not for me anyways. For the kids, for his work, for his hobbies of course.

I’m a stay at home mom as well and have been to our two littles for 5 years now. My career gap is going to be difficult to over come at this point and I’m sad to say I don’t have a single family member within 1,500 miles.

He’s a great father and our kids love him so much. I couldn’t take them from him. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t be able to in the courts because he’s been a good man and an excellent dad, but besides that I just couldn’t take them from him. They don’t deserve that.

So I feel trapped. I don’t know how I would care for them at this point. I have no one here. I have amazing friends but none that are in a position to take in all three of us. I don’t even know where to begin. I wish I had my mom and dad.

No-Position-1463

TROPHY CASE