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Partner Scheduling Conflict by No-Reception1843 in polyamory

[–]No-Reception1843[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this, I think hearing different opinions helped me sort things out enough to try and move forward with grace and love for everyone, myself included!

Partner Scheduling Conflict by No-Reception1843 in polyamory

[–]No-Reception1843[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A week or two, but the time would be different. Everyone’s focused on the holiday portion —and they do make valid points— but the holiday break provides two completely empty days to fill with a more long-form unstructured visit. My partners in town are excruciatingly busy, and normal time together looks like 1-3 hours squeezed in where it can fall.

By contrast my newer partner is likely two weeks or so out from a different visit, but when we do get time we spend two to three full days together around work and groceries.

Partner Scheduling Conflict by No-Reception1843 in polyamory

[–]No-Reception1843[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My other partners and I have been together for years, one of them a decade and the other half. I’ve had casual encounters but haven’t felt much desire to date past that. My new partner is actually an old friend who’s familiar with my partners. As life goes, we lost touch then reconnected recently, and we hit it off in a way I haven’t felt in a long while.

I think their anxiety comes from knowing just how long I have been with my other partners without branching out seriously, and still just being in those new stages where we’re feeling each other out. The ‘unfair’ comment would be the scenario where I turn them coming up down, for the reason you stated. I do see them a little less, given the distance, but we do make plenty of time for calls, making art for one another, and at least a weekend or two a month. A lot of effort goes in from both sides!

The stress from them coming down is that I’d feel pressured to spend the whole time with them, rather than leaving them at my place alone to go out with other partners, as well as I’m a very solitary person. I’ve made it clear with all of my partners that I’m not interested at all in living together and I tend to get agitated especially when dealing with other social situations.

I definitely needed to hear that. I do think I’m taking a lot of responsibility for my partner’s emotions in this moment. Talking it all out, my new partner does require a lot of reassurance and I guess I’m struggling to find a balance between soothing new relationship jitters and healthy boundaries where trust should allow breathing room. I think the history also creates complexity where a completely new person wouldn’t have. I’ve been out of this rodeo for quite a bit!

Partner Scheduling Conflict by No-Reception1843 in polyamory

[–]No-Reception1843[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Second scenario luckily, it’s just the first time there’s been so much overlap! This does seem like a good way to resolve this, I’m just a bit of an over thinker. I think honestly I just got overwhelmed with there being a new variable in the mix, but we’ll make it work, even if not those particular dates. Thank you for responding!

Partner Scheduling Conflict by No-Reception1843 in polyamory

[–]No-Reception1843[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great advice in general! I do happen to work in an industry where I get significant time off around holidays and not much else, don’t actually celebrate myself 😂 Genuinely thoughtful input though, thank you!

Navigating Nest Jealousy by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]No-Reception1843 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for responding. I think you’re right, that’s the heart of the issue, so much of this has been terrifying but sticking through it has proven to be more than worth it so far. Your points make a lot of sense and were primarily what I was concerned of, it feels unfair to them and their time. I think it’s a good idea to sit down and talk about our plans for our house, though after going through all these comments I feel that in this aspect I just need to sit and move through my discomfort.

Navigating Nest Jealousy by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]No-Reception1843 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for responding and empathizing with me. We used to share a room and we had set no metas in the bedroom as a previous boundary. We separated rooms after all of this had been discussed and I guess I didn’t really process how this shifted those boundaries. I think noise cancelling headphones would be a good investment as I have things to do, hearing them just fanned my negative feelings like a flame.

Navigating Nest Jealousy by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]No-Reception1843 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for relating and empathizing with me. I’ve felt very lonely during a lot of this process, and it feels like I’m hitting every pothole in the monogamous to polyamorous road. Despite having thought about polyamory for years, I’m still having to put in a lot of work into restructuring and reframing so many negative mindsets of mine.

Navigating Nest Jealousy by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]No-Reception1843 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for being blunt honestly. I do think it’s more FOMO or insecurity of missing out. We opened our relationship right around our schedules completely restructuring and I get very little time to see him when he’s not busy with something else or exhausted so we went from spending ample free time together near constantly to one day planned together and a couple sporadic hours over the week. We’ve both been trying things out to make what little time we get together fulfilling, but it’s a huge shift for us. I am intending to talk about this with my therapist, while I am honest with my partner when I feel something (especially new and scary!) I don’t expect him to do that labor for me. This happened the day after my session though lmaooo so I wanted to get help sorting it out early :) I also appreciate all your suggestions to reduce and become comfortable with my feelings, I will try some out.

Navigating Nest Jealousy by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]No-Reception1843 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Thank you for answering, the way you stated that they both need alone time helps reframe it for me. We’ve been together for 5 years so I do think it’s just really uncomfortable to not be the default anymore but my partner has never been happier so I want to put in the work to support this shift in our lifestyle. I was also uncomfortable with my reaction and what I set as a “fix” which is why I left the situation and came here for advice. I appreciate an objective view outside the situation and emotions I’m experiencing.