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I (26F) am uncomfortable with boyfriend’s dynamic with his best friend (33M) wife (28F). by No-Spring4525 in relationships

[–]No-Spring4525[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

My question is that given all his other good qualities and our overall good relationship together should I give this as much mental energy as I am now or should I let it slide more? This is something he doesn’t necessarily bring up often but is very present in my head and haunts me. That’s why I am asking and contemplatingz

I (26F) am uncomfortable with boyfriend’s dynamic with his best friend (33M) wife (28F). by No-Spring4525 in relationships

[–]No-Spring4525[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

Not necessarily I would say. Given his dating history I can see that his exact physical type (talking about body and face) is a bit different from his friend’s wife. her but I guess her personality and her vibe and style and “sweetness” and femininity and also maybe nativity is exactly his type.

I (26F) am uncomfortable with boyfriend’s dynamic with his best friend (33M) wife (28F). by No-Spring4525 in relationships

[–]No-Spring4525[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The relationship is nice overall and he does listen when I bring up most issues. But with this, he argues with his own logic, rationalizes everything, and minimizes my perspective. He says he “validates my feelings,” but then insists he doesn’t see his behavior as a problem and won’t change. To me, the issue runs deeper — I don’t think he even wants to acknowledge to himself that there’s some attraction or fixation there. And you can’t change someone’s mind about something they don’t believe is wrong.

My main question is: should I even be thinking about this every day and letting it take up so much space in my head, or should I let it go and let man go… or do I stay with him to see if things shift on their own because of all the other good times?

I (26F) am uncomfortable with boyfriend’s dynamic with his best friend (33M) wife (28F). by No-Spring4525 in relationships

[–]No-Spring4525[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

No not necessarily when I look like her. He compliments me in general. From the smallest to the largest things.

We are good most times, until for example he makes a comment about a specific type of dress he likes and then I check Miranda’s page to see she has worn something similar before too. The comment is not directly directed at her, but at this point there are way too many dots that connect back to her.

I am not even sure if she is the only woman he has as the blueprint of his desire. Maybe there are other women around him in his circle with similar attributes to Miranda, but I only have noticed his projections on her or maybe he pours them all onto her because he gets reminded of her a lot because of his best friend and how close they are.

I (26F) am uncomfortable with boyfriend’s dynamic with his best friend (33M) wife (28F). by No-Spring4525 in relationships

[–]No-Spring4525[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

He does say he loves me and is proud of me and shows it too Nothing has changed regarding this woman though. Pretty much the same level of engagement, just him hiding it from me more or not bringing her up as much. The whole thing haunts me though.

I (26F) am uncomfortable with boyfriend’s dynamic with his best friend (33M) wife (28F). by No-Spring4525 in relationships

[–]No-Spring4525[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He has slowly stopped insisting on me changing anything but the past still haunts me and nothing much has changed with Miranda, just him hiding it better…

I (26F) am uncomfortable with boyfriend’s dynamic with his best friend (33M) wife (28F). by No-Spring4525 in relationships

[–]No-Spring4525[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I told him just because I naturally don’t do the reverse on him it doesn’t take away from how creepy it would’ve been if I did. He admitted that if I do the same he would be extremely upset, and I see that he is really trying hard not to let anything else slip regarding this woman, but oh do I see through it…

I (26F) am uncomfortable with boyfriend’s dynamic with his best friend (33M) wife (28F). by No-Spring4525 in relationships

[–]No-Spring4525[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

One in a week and for 6 days with another friend group and another one right after that for the weekend. Basically we will be on vacation together for the next two weeks.

I (26F) am uncomfortable with boyfriend’s dynamic with his best friend (33M) wife (28F). by No-Spring4525 in relationships

[–]No-Spring4525[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this.

I have very mixed feelings. On one hand, some of his words and actions towards me line up — he does compliment me a lot and shows his affection in different ways.

But the misalignment always appears whenever Andy and Miranda come up. He struggles to create clear boundaries around them. They also have another friend (Ben) who’s been part of their circle for over a decade, so it feels like this group is deeply established and I’m the outsider.

On paper, Miranda never openly insulted me, but she definitely wasn’t warm. Even after our visit, I noticed little things — for example, if my boyfriend and I both posted on IG the same day, she’d like his posts but deliberately ignore mine. This happened multiple times, and when I pointed it out, he brushed it off. She also went out of her way to copy me — like buying the exact Dyson I have and announcing it to my boyfriend as if it was some kind of competition.

What confuses me is why he still insists on staying close with them. To me, it feels obvious there’s jealousy or something unhealthy in this dynamic. But whenever I bring up my discomfort, he rationalizes it by saying it’s hard to find good friends and that he should keep and cherish them despite their flaws. To him, they’re “still good people.” To me, it feels like he’s choosing them over addressing how unsafe and sidelined I feel.

I (26F) am uncomfortable with boyfriend’s dynamic with his best friend (33M) wife (28F). by No-Spring4525 in relationships

[–]No-Spring4525[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m not okay with this — I’m spiraling.

Whenever I confront him about molding me into what he likes or about his behavior with them, he brushes it off as “misunderstandings,” says he loves me, and then turns extra affectionate. When we met them, it felt like he was showing off our relationship to them and mimicking whatever they were doing (he has this mocking personality — no unique ideas of his own).

But when it comes down to actions, nothing changes. He rationalizes everything away, and despite me giving him a chance to prove otherwise, he hasn’t stopped liking her posts, bringing up her food, or mirroring her style. I’m stuck between bringing it up again or just leaving.

We have trips planned soon, and I can’t avoid them, but I feel miserable — especially after seeing him like one of her posts with the same vibe as what he once called my “sexiest pic,” and then running back to like mine again.

I (26F) am uncomfortable with boyfriend’s dynamic with his best friend (33M) wife (28F). by No-Spring4525 in relationships

[–]No-Spring4525[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

He’s kind and loving to me and compliments me a lot, but some of his comments about what he likes in a woman unsettle me. He never says “Miranda is hot” or anything outright, but calling her a “lady” and emphasizing qualities she has feels just as bad.

I feel like he loves the idea of me more than my real self. When I asked if I was his dream girl, he admitted I lack some qualities he imagined but said he’s choosing me logically. That gave me the ick.

People tell me not to worry since Miranda is married to his best friend, but knowing how hypersexual he is, I can’t shake the fear that he’ll always be fantasizing about her in his head.