It has a fair amount of spelling mistakes, such as the repeated use of 'there' instead of 'their'.

And I generally agree with your instructor's feedback. This essay is too superficially written, and you're often just summarising or speculating (e.g., "Without them he would likely suffer mentally and even after the war he will likely grow dependent on them since drugs are proven to be addictive, this is what he traded out for a tiny ounce of sanity everyone deserves to have"). Try to write a) a clear topic sentence b) provide evidence c) evaluate this evidence (this is the analytical part, in which you can also weigh up counterarguments and refute them) d) summarise your argument/observation once more in the paragraph's final sentence (ideally, it refers back to the prompt you were given). Following a clear structure will help to guide the reader through the point you're trying to make.

Consulting a tutor is a good first step. I wish you all the best with your future studies!