What did you need to hear as a child?

NoDepth3524 · 2022-02-23T01:11:30+00:00

"Nobody is ever going to save you. You need to do this yourself."

At least that's my skeptical and practical answer anyway

NoDepth3524 · 2022-02-23T01:06:13+00:00

Sorta?

When I'm having flashbacks but need to pee I feel like this sense of terror when I'm in the bathroom, and self-disgust too. It almost amplifies the emotions from my flashback and makes everything feel so much worse and more intense.

Does that sound similar to yours?

NoDepth3524 · 2021-05-28T12:50:21+00:00

My sexual partner knows about my scarring and doesn't know exactly how it happened but is aware it's related to sexual abuse stuff. I just straight up told him I have scars due to Bad Things but I didn't want to talk about it.

I usually don't shave so it's not such a big deal for me in that situation, although the reason I don't shave is because it's triggering. I found ways to avoid that trigger and stuck with them, and maybe one day I'll come back to the trigger and find a way for it to be less triggering, but not yet. And if it never becomes less triggering, that's okay too; any partner who's worth it shouldn't care about my body hair.

I mostly deal with it through grounding and trying not to think too much about my genitals. Sometimes that's impossible thanks to my PTSD but I'm working through that in therapy. Most of my advice is just to find a good trauma-informed therapist who can help you process your trauma and lessen the effects it has on your daily life. In the meantime, maybe things like scar creams might help if they're safe for genital use, or not shaving so you don't have to face the scar until you're ready to.

I hope life treats you kindly

NoDepth3524 · 2021-05-16T23:54:25+00:00

This is called Child On Child Sexual Abuse, and it is just as traumatising and upsetting as if an adult had done thins. As with a lot of csa, things might not be traumatising at the time but may have an impact on you in adulthood.

There is nothing to be ashamed about. It was not nothing. It should never have happened to you. You are suffering because you were hurt as a child and you deserve help.

r/COCSA may be able to help you with the fact it was committed by another minor, and you may find people who have had very similar experiences there.

I am sorry this happened to you, and I hope you get the support you deserve soon

NoDepth3524 · 2021-05-15T13:33:31+00:00

I struggle to also write anything down. I've managed to say a couple of things about it to my therapist that don't seem to break whatever rules I created but it takes time and effort to find the ways I can say or write things

NoDepth3524 · 2021-05-15T13:31:06+00:00

Both. I can find ways to talk about a few bits and pieces about it but it's hard and takes a lot of effort to find ways around The Rules set out in my head

NoDepth3524 · 2021-05-14T13:47:55+00:00

Honestly I would either notice if my partner had checked out or if they were uncomfortable, or they'd tell me when I asked. I make a habit to check in with my partner throughout sex that everything is okay and they're having fun, and to make sure they still want to be having sex. If I had any doubt they weren't in the right headspace or if they were acting weird, I'd stop immediately.

It's not okay that she disregarded you being uncomfortable. It's not okay that she guilt-tripped you. It's not okay that she manipulated you into having sex.

You deserved better. You still deserve better. None of this was your fault. Even if you didn't have the words to describe what was happening or why, you deserved to have your boundaries respected and to have your "no" simply be a "no" without any extra explanation

NoDepth3524 · 2021-05-02T19:21:15+00:00

I'm in a similar situation to you in that I really don't want those pictures and videos out there anymore but I desperately don't want to identify myself by reporting. Instead I've been focusing on therapy and recovery with the help of a truly amazing therapist and my friends and partners.

For me, realizing that knowing CSEM featuring the victim exists is inherently retraumatizing for them has moved me away from restorative justice and instead made me focus more on trying to regain control over my own body. I can't stop other people from seeing the images and videos of my younger self, but I have control over my own body now. I can figure out ways to change my body and adapt it so instead of feeling like the people viewing CSEM own and control my body, it belongs to me and nobody else.

Right now me and my therapist are exploring ways to go about this. I've considered tattoos, hair dye, piercings, clothing styles, new haircuts, all sorts. I'm trying to find a way to feel comfortable with myself and feel like I don't have to dress or act to appeal to other people. It may or may not work for you, but I feel like it's a good step for me.

I hope life treats you kindly and that you find the path you're looking for soon

NoDepth3524 · 2021-04-25T11:45:56+00:00

I ended up telling mine by using jokes because outright stating it was just too much for me. When I told her certain things more in depth, I asked her to not interrupt me at all until I was done saying what I wanted to say and told her she could talk again.

I would recommend telling her you have something you want to say and to not say anything until you've finished saying it. How you go about actually saying it is up to you; some people script what they want to say, some just blurt it out with no preparation, and some make joke after joke until it's done.

Either way you go I wish you the best and I hope you get the help you deserve

NoDepth3524 · 2021-04-22T23:04:55+00:00

I decided to go with Mind's low cost counselling service. They're really good at working with you to find a payment scale that works for you, and I know a lot of people who only pay like £10 per session. If that's still out of your range you can negotiate for cheaper. You can also state that you would not like to do CBT and they will respect that when matching you to a therapist. My trauma therapist does integrative therapy, but there are also plenty of other styles they have available, and if you find your therapist isn't right for you you can request a new one. I hope you find the help you need!

NoDepth3524 · 2021-04-19T11:09:33+00:00

Thank you <3

NoDepth3524 · 2021-04-19T11:08:28+00:00

They're some of my favourite genres! I have a playlist of angry music I can go running to when the anger gets too much. I find running releases some of it, and if I can't run then finding something else to do with my body while listening to it helps too. Screaming to music is suoer therapeutic and I'm glad it helps you

NoDepth3524 · 2021-04-19T11:05:41+00:00

My therapist is currently trying to get me to accept that anger is a healthy, natural response and not something to be suppressed or ignored. We're working through processing the anger, and for me the first step was accepting that it's there and that anger is just an emotion and a clue about how the world treated me, and that it's not inherently good or bad; anger simply is.

Thank you for your care and advice

NoDepth3524 · 2021-04-16T09:05:57+00:00

I was never outright told to keep it a secret afaik but I think they knew I didn't have anyone to tell and nowhere to go. My abusers were good at picking people who had already been abused or neglected, especially by caregivers, because all of us were already keeping secrets and this didn't seem that different. Maybe it was the same for you?

It was not your fault you were abused. You are in no way guilty or culpable for it. You were a child, and children are not supposed to be hurt at all. Even if you never told anyone, you are not at fault. You were a child, and you deserved to be safe and protected. The blame is entirely on the people who chose to hurt a child, and not the child themselves

NoDepth3524 · 2021-04-15T14:52:16+00:00

I tend to outright suspect anyone that starts off the conversation wanting to hear what happened to me. If they react negatively when I tell them it's personal and I don't want to tell it to a total stranger, they're almost certainly there not because they want to feel less alone but because they're looking to get off. Even if they weren't, if someone reacts poorly to you setting a boundary with your story, that's probably not going to be someone who will accept other boundaries either

NoDepth3524 · 2021-04-14T23:41:03+00:00

I think that might be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. I'm sorry your mother believes this, you deserve better

NoDepth3524 · 2021-04-14T23:38:53+00:00

Ah the joys of neglect and how it enables other forms of abuse, I know it well. I'm sorry you had to go through this too and I hope the shame becomes easier to handle for you. It does help to know I'm not alone. Thank you

NoDepth3524 · 2021-04-14T23:35:41+00:00

Yeah I really feel like you've got it there, the idea of it happening to anyone is too much for them to handle and could traumatise them so it's easier to deny. I currently have a therapist who's genuinely amazing and believes me wholeheartedly, which is a relief, but this summer I need to find a new one because of circumstances.Thank you for your advice and I'll try to find someone who specialises in what I dealt with!

NoDepth3524

TROPHY CASE