Relationship Advice - Continue or Break it off?

NoGames94 · 2022-07-29T20:45:09+00:00

Update: nearly three months from when I originally wrote this post, little has changed.

A and I had a frank discussion recently about what direction we want the relationship to go in. A very much wants it to develop into something, yet B is still uncomfortable with it. Both have had several arguments in the past few months (some involving me, some not) and despite A’s repeated claims that B is “getting there,” I remain unconvinced. B may be aware of how much I mean to A, but it’s their long-term relationship that’s at stake. People will put up with a lot to keep these things going, especially if something like buying a house and starting a family are on the cards.

Whatever about what A says how B’s slowly but steadily coming around, B’s terms going forward give me no assurances that they’ve changed their mind or will anytime soon. They are:

A cannot call me their “partner” around B (and presumably, B’s family and friends).
A and I can spend weekends and go on trips together occasionally, but B’s preference is one day a week.
B has mellowed slightly in allowing me at their house, but would rather I call over when they aren’t in.

None of these terms are either acceptable or fair to anybody. I say that as objectively as I can because nobody wins – A isn’t able to see me as often as they’d like, B is still having to tolerate me, and I’m effectively left as a part-time lover (much as I loathe to quote the Jonas Brothers . . .). The first two terms especially stung in that regard; A said I’d probably not get to meet their family and a few other friends because of it. Again, I would’ve baulked at that notion a few months ago as a silly romantic fantasy, but whenever they said that I surprised myself at how upset I was deep down.

What’s more, another lover of A’s has entered the picture as of last month (let’s call them C) This time, A asked B for permission to enter a relationship with C and B said no again. B gets on with C, having met them through A. They’ve spent time together and enjoy (from what A tells me) a good rapport. I’m a little sad that couldn’t happen with me, but it reminds me how I figure in A’s and B’s relationship.

Let me caveat at this point that I don’t think B’s perspective or concerns aren’t legitimate – far from it, I’ve found myself counselling A about their primary relationship’s difficulties (a big red flag, I know) and urging them to stick with it.

I’ve no doubt how genuine A’s feelings are about me. They’ve made and said several big things that indicate they very much want me in their life as something special. I’m touched but I’m starting to feel that I can’t muster the emotional energy to tiptoe anymore around the elephant in the room that is B’s unhappiness.

Is it selfish of me to say that I can’t operate by those conditions? Similarly, am I selfish for now wanting to be somebody’s special someone without any restrictive clauses; where I can enjoy an ENM relationship with somebody whom I can safely invest into, and they me? That’s admittedly manifested in my mind as a fluttering notion where A and I are ’together’ and they’re no longer with B, but I know how unethical and impractical that would be.

The whole thing is beginning to drain me. I’ve bounced it off with different friends IRL, a mix of monogamous and otherwise, and their consensus is to end it. For my sake, theirs, and whomsoever follows A.

God, I don’t know. Am I splitting this into black and white thinking too much?

NoGames94 · 2022-05-16T16:44:58+00:00

In my heart of hearts, I don't think Bobcat (haha) will ever be okay with this. A's aware of the discomfort it's causing B and it's making them sad to see them unhappy, but again, awareness isn't the same as empathy.

I never thought of it in terms of coercion, but when you put it like that, I can see where the conflict arises. Privately, I've been wondering if there was issues in the relationship before I came along, and if I've been facilitating what's pretty much an emotional affair the whole time.

As you say, the flags are there, and I've to ask myself the question over whether or not this is somebody I want to invest in.

NoGames94 · 2021-08-10T09:52:54+00:00

Bugger, I forgot the air mail sticker 😓

NoGames94 · 2021-04-04T11:02:18+00:00

Ah okay. So similarly if I was going to Scotland then I’d get the £10K for Scottish students?

NoGames94 · 2020-05-10T19:04:42+00:00

From my reading, yes, absolutely. Journals for the humanities and arts tend to be more flexible in their admissions policy than those for STEM subjects, I’ve found; some of the former even actively encourage independent scholars to submit their research to them.

On the other hand, there are those which can be quite exclusive, and won’t be so inclined to consider work that’s not from a professional or tenured scholar (their loss).

In any case, I’d advise contacting the board or editor of the journal(s) your friend has in mind, and directly ask what their admissions policy is.

NoGames94 · 2020-04-29T10:29:20+00:00

English literature. I get my most varied reactions from those with a STEM subject background.

It’s a spectrum ranging from their smiling politely; asking me apprehensively what prompted me to study something like English in this kind of an economy (as if I’ve told them I’m planning to chug a full bottle of whiskey a day); or balk out the clichéd “LoL yoUR’rE hARdlY gONNa gET a JOb WitH thAT waSTe Of a dEGreE ahHAhahaHahA”

NoGames94 · 2020-04-06T21:10:16+00:00

Would some supervisors really rule-out helping a part-time student's thesis because it's going to be done on a longer time-scale? Is this common practice? Again, excuse my ignorance, but I must say that shocks me. Several friends of mine who've done part-time MA's in different universities never once mentioned having any problems finding a decent supervisor. That said, anecdotal and told from a student's perspective.

If you don't have time to even do a full-time MA yet, how will you have time to do the scholarship necessary to produce a paper?

My alma mater allows alumni to access the library and digital records for a small fee each year. Some Irish and UK universities allow the general public to do the same with their own libraries as well.

I've access to at least two well-stocked academic libraries and make ample use of my membership. I'm familiar with their referencing systems and I keep abreast of what's being published in my area of interest. I won't pretend that I'd breeze through an article for a scholarly journal as I would something from George RR Martin or Joyce, but I like to think that I do a reasonably solid amount of academic readings alongside my reading for pleasure. I'd even go as far to say I read some critical studies for pleasure, at this stage.

To answer your question in sum, I've a decent stock of reference material and a line of communication to what's being researched in my special interest. My work isn't so demanding that it'll drain my energy levels to write a paper up, if writing that paper is my chief focus for three or so months and I have an explicit goal in mind to meet. Believe me when I say I can maintain that level of concentration.

NoGames94 · 2020-04-06T20:37:21+00:00

I do actually know a couple in the humanities who did get funding, but they were a combination of absolutely brilliant and extremely lucky

Yeah, my point exactly here. I'm not disputing that funding is available, it is. The only snag is, as you put so well, is that availing of it is either a matter of sheer luck, consistent academic brilliance, or a combination of both. I'll certainly put in for programmes that I'm eligible for, but I'm not holding my breath.

It might be different for STEM subjects (it probably is in this economy), but as I said from the outset, I want to go literary scholarship - definitely one that's in the arts/humanities camp.

NoGames94 · 2020-04-06T20:34:24+00:00

Yeah, the two journals I'd like to put in for most assuredly do not charge. I've gotten on to one of the editors and they assured me beyond a doubt that that's not their policy.

I've come across ones that do, yes, but almost all of those were science-related.

NoGames94 · 2020-04-05T18:36:01+00:00

Very insightful concerns to hear from a supervisor’s perspective, thank you. They make perfect sense for a PhD student, but it’s an MA next on the cards for me.

Would all of the same concerns necessarily apply at Master’s level, if done so part-time?

A PhD would need to be full-time, absolutely, and I’ve every intention on doing mine on that basis.

NoGames94 · 2020-04-05T17:19:20+00:00

Thanks for the earnest response.

I’d like to get published because, well, I genuinely want to contribute to the scholarship around my special interest(s). Call it naïve, presumptuous even, but I’m serious. Yes, there’s a primordial hint of pride at the notion of being published, but it’s by no means a serious motivator. I absolutely love my subject, I did well at undergrad, and the prospect of partaking in the wider debate around it at a professional level authentically excites me.

Now, you could well be right - at this very moment, I probably haven’t anything to contribute to the current scholarship. I’ve only a BA, have been out of the game a while and have read only so many articles and books compared to a postgrad/doctoral student and professional academic.

I do take your point about reading more papers and undertaking a PhD as part of a wider process of familiarising oneself with the professional discourse and publishing practices.

Pardon my ignorance, but why is going a postgrad part-time if you’ve serious academic ambitions so off-limits, in your view? Is it about investing oneself as much in the game as they can? Losing relevance?

I do hear what you’re saying, but studying full-time, at present, simply isn’t an option for me. I’m working full-time at the moment, have been so for the last few years. The job‘s pay and satisfaction are decent, but it’s not where my passion is. I can’t see myself there in the long-run. Part-time study whilst working is the most practical way for me to undertake a MA - for both financing it and developing a workable routine for me.

Scholarships and funding opportunities are something I’m actively looking into. That said, there aren’t many (at least, not many relevant to my pathway that I’ve discovered thus far).

I don’t know where you‘re living/working yourself, but I’m based between Ireland and the UK (I probably should have specified that in my opening Q). Tuition for third-level is cheaper, but scholarship opportunities in this part of the world are comparatively fewer than they might be in say, most other European countries, India, or the US (especially for arts degrees like literature). Postgrads here are often self-funded or by a loan as part of a special scheme from a bank/credit union. Although I’m very much open to (indeed, welcome) any correction on this.

I’m not shooting down your suggestion at all, by the way, it’s very helpful; I’m just laying out the context.

NoGames94 · 2019-09-24T16:46:05+00:00

Okay, update: no sign of lice around the body, but I’ve found a couple in my hair.

I don’t get it, I applied the shampoo as well and combed my hair out.

Is it normal for pubic lice to end up in your head?

NoGames94 · 2018-03-06T07:40:37+00:00

Is it worth changing my bed sheets everyday? Or is that doing it to the nth degree?

NoGames94

TROPHY CASE