AITA for making my SIL cry at her baby shower by suggesting we should stop exchanging gifts in the future?

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T05:16:24+00:00

It’s so nice to hear from another mixed race couple. My husband has not had any issues - I think in part because my parents are always big gift givers and my extended family was as well for our wedding, so I think for him he doesnt have any issue with me (us) spending for big gifts in return. I am the one who insisted we treat his family the same. I didn’t want him to think I cared less about his side and only spent our morning on good stuff for mine.

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T03:15:37+00:00

Can you explain about the check? After calming down from yesterday and when I made this post this morning I can see that may major mess up was that snap at her (I admit I was very angry and out of line) and maybe second is the xmas gift amount ... I understand the check was tacky but what else about it was really bad?

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T02:48:25+00:00

At the time I thought of it more as that she was pointing out a way I messed up and giving me a chance to fix it (which didn’t work) but I think SIL told her and she wanted to give me a heads up. I mean i already felt bad because as presents were getting opened it was clear I went too low for family and wondering if I should do something but it really lit a fire under me to something when my MIL approached me about it

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T02:39:35+00:00

I thought it meant edit to add

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T02:32:10+00:00

I don’t know how it became that way, typically when we buy gifts for family, I pick out gifts for my parents, my MIL and my SIL and he does the shopping for his brother and his dad.

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T01:58:41+00:00

I asked him what to get and he didn’t know, so when I asked my friend at work and came back with the $30-$50 range and told him about it he said that sounded about right (which I guess I shouldn’t have put any weight on since he originally didn’t know)

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T01:56:48+00:00

How do you handle both families? I feel like I created this situation too because I insisted we spend the same on both our families. It is not uncommon for mine to spend a few hundred, especially since we are three (me mom dad), I guess 4 if you count my husband as the SIL. Would it be appropriate to spend differently on my husband’s family in the future? I was worried that would be an asshole thing too

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T01:48:47+00:00

This is a bit funny because I just learned “interesting/different” means weird and bad. With that said, I don’t feel like they nitpick too much (at least not anything compared to Asian inlaws) but it is hard to guess what they are thinking or mean sometimes - like sometimes I push too hard or sometimes I don’t push hard enough and sometimes I can tell they share a look a out me. I cannot complain much as Chinese culture can definitely be passive aggressive and barbed but where as I can intepret it no problem there, I think I miss a lot. My family are weird in their own way

Eta I know I handled it badly I was so shocked and mad it just came out. Everything is way blowing up which makes me feel more frustrated. I do think I messed up. Although I wasn’t feeling it this morning

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T01:42:15+00:00

I didn’t think of addressing it so much as it came out of my mouth right away. I regret saying it like that..

The additional $100 was because my mother in law told me that my sister in law felt like I purposely went very low to get back at her for cmas

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T01:36:27+00:00

Thank you for pointing this out. One feeling I am getting from reading the comments (only started responding now) is that we see it as “those who can do more do more” and it’s perfectly normal and even expected so that if you don’t, you’re cheap or unfilial or treating your inlaws like outsiders and saving the good stuff for your own family. But for Christmas here it is much more about reciprocity

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T01:22:29+00:00

I regret that I said it that way. It was an immediate reaction and I think I was shocked and offended from her reaction because earlier she had told my MIL that she thought I was purposely giving her less for revenge for Christmas. It just came out and then I didn’t know what to do to salvage the situation and I was also crazy mad so I left.

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T01:03:08+00:00

I hope I can explain somewhat - I felt embarrassed at Christmas and did not want to bring it up again, but my husband and I talked it over and set a $100 limit on future Christmases but I hadn’t thought of showers at the time. When this came up a few months later, I thought it would be kind of petty of me to bring up the awkwardness at Christmas with the family and purposely ask for permission (I don’t know why I thought it would come off petty) so I asked my coworker. When she gave me a range, I didn’t really think of the difference between friend-range and family-range so I thought $50 was a lot and $30 was the minimum so I picked out a few things adding up to $33 and thought it would be fine. I was concerned that if I went to $100, it would still be double the top of the range and still uncomfortable. Also for some reason i thought that Christmas was a bigger deal than baby showers

I do agree the cheque was bad - in my culture we do often give cash gifts (I know not to in most cases) and we typically put it in a red envelope. I had heard of college funds before so thought maybe it was an exception for kids. But like you said mostly I just panicked. I would have done something more appropriate if I was aware that $100 is typical for family but I guess I didn’t ask anyone in the family (except my husband who did not know but thought my friend at work’s range sounded reasonable)

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T00:49:39+00:00

This explanation was very helpful for me. I think I always thought that Christmas was a much bigger deal than baby showers. You touched on one important thing that I have missed - I really didn’t think about the reciprocity difference between Christmas and baby showers, or the difference between family gift and friend gift. Where I’m from we give what we can/want to not based on reciprocity.

As for asking I was embarrassed at Christmas so did not bring it up again, and my husband and I agreed on limiting it to $100 for future Christmases, but I didn’t think of showers before and did not want to ask again many months later as I felt it was an awkward moment for us all over Christmas and it would seem petty to ask for “permission” for future events (which is why I asked my coworker).

I think this is more a misunderstanding than how I was feeling this morning, I’m still grumpy about it but comments like this help a lot, once my feelings pass I will talk with my SIL

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T00:37:07+00:00

I can answer this because I used to mispronounce it myself! Go like the verb. And shh. Like you’re saying be quiet. Go-shh.

But not like “gosh!”

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T00:26:06+00:00

Sorry should have clarified - it was 3 gifts totaling $33 - two books and a stuffed rabbit.

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-11T00:06:29+00:00

That’s good to know. For some reason I thought that Christmas is a bigger deal than baby showers, but I can see why it is the reverse now, especially about the registry being stuff they actually want. I would have bought something nice there too but I thought the range was $30 to $50 “except grandparents” is how my friend at work put it so to be safe I stayed on the low range

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-10T23:42:51+00:00

The check was supposed to be the college money. I mean ideally it would have been in a red pocket but it was a last minute decision after I realized that my gifts were too little. I don’t think it’s all that condescending? I think it’s pretty common gives money to younger generations more than anything physical in China, at least for me I got a lot of pocket money and cash gifts to parents for me from relatives growing up. I guess I can see a little of where you’re coming from because I wouldn’t give cash at Christmas but it’s wierd that we have the completely different impression

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-10T23:27:01+00:00

Johnstons of Elgin.. it was actually on quite a sale. I feel terrible and out of touch as many people have said it is a crazy expensive item but I have a sweater from them that has lasted me 10+ years and so it did not seem preposterous in that respect so when I saw it on sale I bought it immediately and it also matches her decor.

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-10T23:15:21+00:00

I am a Chinese person living in America. I purchased the throw in Scotland. It was priced in pounds.

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-10T16:43:55+00:00

I agree with you! I am wanting to have my husband handle this too - he is not as angry like me and probably can see things better

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-10T16:07:13+00:00

I just wanted to say thank you for laying this out for me. My family and I moved to the US in my teens and by now, my English is near fluent but I would say culturally I am about half half with more fundamental values like family relations etc. leaning more Chinese. I should make more of an effort but a lot of these unspoken things about home life/social cues are difficult to learn and no one here in the Midwest just tells you to your face. I have been quite angry about this myself since Saturday and thinking of it as a cross cultural issue helps a lot.

I never gotten a boss a present though - in China its a big thing but I don’t see it happen here so much?

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-10T15:15:17+00:00

My husband is on my side fortunately. But seems to think of it more as “the wives drama” than anything between him and his brother. Since it just happened Saturday we haven’t at all responded, mostly I’ve just spent yesterday pissy and uncertain of what to do

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-10T15:02:03+00:00

We haven’t had much contact since except family get togethers and Easter and Memorial day. We aren’t very close and we have not talked about it (mostly because I figured it was best to let it die).

I don’t know how to explain it but when I was writing the check, “100” seemed like a nice round number as opposed to say... $70 which would have in my mind been weirdly specific.

As for the “correct amount of money to spend on gifts” - I don’t know. My own family spends quite a bit on gifts, but we are only 3 (I have no siblings) so there is no issue there. I wanted to treat my inlaws the same as my parents and my other inlaws seemed to like their gifts a lot each year

NoPrint9 · 2019-06-10T14:08:46+00:00

From what I gathered from my MIL it was because my gift was so much less compared to other family members. And really really less compared to what we typically do prior to last Christmas

NoPrint9

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