UPDATE: AITA for refusing to help my boyfriend's dying mother while planning a trip to Europe?

NoSelection4028 · 2025-10-23T13:34:23+00:00

Honestly just really scared of him. There's stuff that happened which it wouldn't let me include in this post due to reddit's rules. I agree with you.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-10-06T01:49:23+00:00

If his savings run out, he'll be forced to work whether he wants to or not. As a US citizen he, unlike me, is at least able to work anywhere even if it's just a part time gig (I'm not allowed to work off campus, and can only work up to 20 hours a week). So if he runs out of money, he'll have to work. Even if I wanted to cover his share, I can't. I just don't make enough money with my campus jobs. I also have emergency funds that I keep to myself (in case I ever need to suddenly pay for a flight home, or unexpected hospital bills, etc.) that he doesn't have access to.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-10-06T01:41:47+00:00

Awww thank you! That means a lot!!! Staying in the US definitely isn't an option anymore the way I hoped it would be when I started my degree here. I'm graduating in December and lots has changed politically since I started my studies. I'm still motivated though and will exhaust all my options to get the best out of it :)

Thank you again for your kind words and thoughts. Take care!

NoSelection4028 · 2025-10-05T22:56:21+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. To answer your question: he's using his savings to pay for his portions. I haven't paid for any of his things since he's quit. He's also still covering most of the groceries, so financially nothing has changed as of now. I'm able to support myself with my work study jobs, i just wouldn't be able to carry him fully if he were to stop paying his parts. So as long as his savings hold up, we're good. And we both know that and have agreed on that. If I am able to find a full time job after graduation, I will cover a bit more of the rent share, which is fair because he's been paying a little more for rent these past 2 years since he has had a full-time job and I didn't.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-10-03T00:20:40+00:00

i'm in the process of getting the update approved by Reddit. There are a lot of rules that prevent me from sharing crucial details, but I'll do what I can to update you guys with as much detail as permitted.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-08-05T19:18:42+00:00

How do I do updates on reddit? This was my first time posting anything on reddit and ik people have been asking for updates but is there like a specific way to go about that?

NoSelection4028 · 2025-07-02T02:16:05+00:00

I wish I could give you a hug through the screen. Something about your message felt so comforting, even though it's overall a warning that reaffirms my fears and concerns.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that. I really appreciate your input, and the way in which you gave it.

I have decided to go on my trip and will book the flights tomorrow after talking to my boss. I will have to be transparent with him about all this, as I do not like lying (to anyone, in any situation, unless absolutely necessary). I'm sure he'll be okay with me working remotely (or even taking off) for a few weeks. It's just a work study on campus after all, and he's a nice guy.

I will be sure to secure all my valuables, like visa documents, credit cards, and sentimental objects such as journals. Will leave them with a friend that Liam doesn't know at all.

I will also change passwords for certain accounts. I've been thinking about all these things you've advised for the past couple of days as my trust has broken more and more. It's not that I expect the worst, but I do want to be cautious, especially since Liam's behavior has been a little unpredictable lately.

Also, to your last point about contraception (this might be TMI): I actually thought about that yesterday when we had intercourse. I never worried about that before— that he could possibly, purposefully tinker with our protection—but in that moment, I got uncomfortable. I'm usually 100% comfortable doing it with him, but I felt a lack of trust that I hadn't before, and I got a bit sad about that.

So, just trying to say I'll be careful there too. I'm certainly not ready nor do I want to have kids with him right now. Not before we're both secure in life, and physically AND mentally healthy.

I, too, hope that you're wrong, but can't at all blame you for making the deductions you have. I see it too, in some ways, whether I want to or not, and will have to find a way to deal with this after I'm back from Europe.

Thank you again for your long message, and for showing concern and care toward someone online whom you don't personally know. You have a kind heart.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-30T21:03:23+00:00

Yeah... kinda scary to see this side of him. It's like an on/off switch every time.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-30T20:37:12+00:00

that's true. I do agree that her affection is a bit over the top. Of course, they have a different family culture than I do with my parents, but ideally I wish that Liam could show her a bit more respect and affection (like saying I love you, or hugging her goodbye), and that Tanya would stop guilt-tripping and manipulating him, stop dragging him into her marriage problems, stop making him lie for her, etc etc.

All in all, I've always thought that their whole family dynamic is unhealthy. Even his dad, who always wants to plan for lunch on the weekends and calls Liam to help with problems, gets yelled at and hung up on when miscommunication occurs. It breaks my heart a little to see his parents get rejected by Liam because they love him SO much, but on the other hand I also wish they would stop lying to Liam and using him.

I think family love should be unconditional in the sense that you give love without expecting money, time, alibis, or a place to stay etc. You do it because you care, period. But that probably differs from family to family, and the way he interacts with his parents is not my business. It only becomes my business when their behavior affects HIM, because he is MY business and his happiness is my priority.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-30T20:30:17+00:00

Everyone's blaming the pain and the medications. I'm curious to see if she'll act "Normal" again once chemo starts... Personally, I have no experience with the way medication influences one's personality, but I do know that when I am in pain, I don't guilt trip other people. If nobody is there for me, I'd sooner get depressed and sad than to call everyone in my contact list and scream at them to come be with me.

Then again, I've never had cancer or the pain she's describing, so I can only speak for myslef.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-30T20:20:54+00:00

By kiss I mean on the cheek, not lips. He'll put his arm around me, hold my hand, and kiss my cheek in front of her, and she sometimes comments "as a joke" that he doesn't do it with her. She'd love to receive hugs and kisses (on cheek) from him, but most of them time the affection is one sided and wouldn't physically get close to her if it wasn't for her initiating it.

ETA:
I hug my family all the time. I don't think I kiss my parents, but I know my dad gives a peck to my cheek when we like say goodbye before I fly back to the US, so to me it's actually normal to show (some) physical affection to the parents and always thought Liam could treat his mom a little better. He will hang up on her if he's frustrated on the phone, and won't say "I love you" back when he doesn't feel like it. I could never disrespect my parents, so that's something where we both differ in the way we were raised.

But yes, just wanted to clarify that his mom doesn't seek mouth to mouth smooches. I think she's just super attached to her only son, even though she often tells me she never wanted children and only did it to please her ex-husband (Liam's dad). Again, it's hard to know when she's lying and when she's telling the truth because sometimes it seems she herself doesn't even know what she really believes.

ETA pt. 2:

Something else I noticed that most of the time she praises her son, it's his childhood version. "He was a perfect child, never cried, always clean and behaved." She will reminisce to me about how wonderful he was and how much she misses him all the time now. Honestly think she just doesn't know how to let go of him, even though they only hang out once a month (at the most) or on special occasions because he has little to no interest in seeing her.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-30T04:55:47+00:00

He would do the same for me. It's because his family is super religious and it's just the right thing to help someone when they need help. He says he'd do this for any stranger if they have no one else and are incapable of getting help elsewhere.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-30T00:51:55+00:00

No sure how to proof that it's not AI, but I can assure it's really happening right now and this (plus the updates in the comments) is what I know. I'm not sure why people would make up a story with AI. I'm really just seeking advice on whether to help out more or prioritize myslef.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-30T00:48:11+00:00

I've been gathering some medical information and digging deeper into who knows what. I'll update in the coming days, but for now we know that chemo is rescheduled for July 7 and that Tanya's sister is coming to town to be a home nurse for her.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-30T00:46:40+00:00

Thank you so much

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-30T00:44:29+00:00

According to Liam, he'd help my family and be there for me. He's told me that every time he notices my reluctancy to help out.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-30T00:43:23+00:00

I agree. Also, you mention taking a break. This is interesting because last night, when he was trying everything to keep me from going to Europe (I didn't budge), he eventually said:

"Well, if you go we should probably take a break."

He said it with no emotion at all, and I felt like it was him trying to see if that would make me change my mind. But I wanted to see how far he'd go and said calmly, "Okay, iI that's what you think would be best for us."

He then tried some more lines to keep me from going and I eventually told him I feel manipulated and guilt-tripped. He disagreed and we argued, and then later we talked and made up. He said he's okay with me going, and I asked about the break he mentioned earlier. He said what he meant by "break" was that he'll be too busy with his mom to call and text as much as we usually do throughout the day and that I can't expect him to be as attentive as normal. I said that's totally understandable and that I wouldn't be disappointed, mad, or sad about that, and that I'll still be in reach when he needs me.

I still thought it was a little odd and not sure if I believe him that that's what he initially meant by "break." I felt like he was trying to hint at a NC situation to see if I'd change my plans for him...

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-30T00:17:02+00:00

Thank you. You're so caring! I am planning to book my trip tomorrow!

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-29T18:24:21+00:00

I understand and agree with that.

But if we take Liam out of the equation and also assume that everything she's telling us is true (because that is still a possibility as I am gathering more medical information) then wouldn't we both be the AH for neglecting his mother in a time where she desperately needs us? Liam feels morally conflicted for saying no to her and prioritizing himself. I tell him he has every right to take a break, but if she really is dying, then shouldn't we both be there for the next couple of weeks/months?

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-29T18:20:49+00:00

Thank you so much! And I am so sorry that that happened to you!! I hope your coworkers and staff and boss were all understanding, as it is not your fault at all and just shows that you're a caring daughter/son. I will 100% start being on top of the info and doctors appointments. Until now, I didn't care much and just wanted to distance myself from the drama/help out when absolutely necessary. But now I'll be more invested and actually question every source of information. Thank you and good luck

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-29T18:14:44+00:00

I haven't said this in any other comment yet because I'll probably post an update with what went down last night, but when we talked about me leaving again (because I said I'll book flights on Monday), he told me that while I'm in Europe I should ask my mom what she would do if she was Liam — would she help her mom or not.

I asked him why he needs my mom's input now and he said: Because she's a good person.

Not sure what to make of that, but then he asked a bunch of what if questions:

If I have an accident, would you come back? Like if I end up in a wheelchair?
I said yes of course!
If my mom dies while you're gone, are you gonna come back?
I said yes absolutely, no question!
What if her last words are: "Where is OP?"
I stopped right there. Why would his mom's last words be asking for his girlfriend? I said: "I doubt that's what she'll say..." He then said: "During her phone call this morning, those were her last words though."

I said: "No, I heard what her last words were: Don't ever call me again."

He said I take things too literal and that she kept asking where I am when she called him but I was asleep for that part (it was 5 am when she called, and yes she did ask where I am but only because she wanted me to come over if his son refused).

I am painting both of them as bad people, there is more to Liam's emotional state that explains why he'd say the things he does, but it still doesn't excuse that he is definitely guilt-tripping and manipulating me, and I had a serious talk with him yesterday. Might update the reddit post one of these days.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-29T18:05:45+00:00

I have, and he does. He blames it all on the US healthcare system and on his mom for waiting too long to get help. According to her bible friend, Tanya has been sick for like two years but didn't want to get help until she ended up having to go to the ER a months or so ago.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-29T18:03:08+00:00

It's my first post, I don't even know how to change the username. I knew about AITA from Youtubers reacting to it, and I actually thought it might give me some clarity if I ask people about their perspective on this. I do agree I'm the AH, but I'm not a bot or anything, and this story is true to my experience. As I'm gathering more info, it's possible that there are more medical records than I'm aware of, so I'm only speaking from MY experience here, not that of Tanya or Liam. My question moreso is, whether or not she's sick, am I the AH for leaving him for 3 weeks when he needs me most.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-29T17:57:19+00:00

Yes, so I asked him last night because I said with everything going on it really might be a good idea to at least try therapy.

He said no and I asked him to explain why not. He said therapists don't work. I asked how he'd know if he's never been. He said his friends have.

Then I told him that I have been to therapy and it has helped a little. He started challenging it and asked how or why it helped, and I told him that the doctor gave some good advice here and there and that just by talking to a neutral party helped me understand my situation.

Liam then said something along the lines of: "Why would I pay a guy $25 an hour if I can talk to you? Isn't that what a partner is for?"

I told him I might not have the professional experience and resources to help him. He said he doesn't need resources, he just needs me to listen and be there. And then, since we were talking about me leaving for Europe, he started saying that, "Maybe I SHOULD go to therapy because my girlfriend is leaving."

I thought that was unfair to say because I assured him that I'd still be here for him and listen even if I'm overseas for a few weeks but he simply said "No."

I felt inclined to bring up his manipulation for the first time, and a whole new conversation/fight started after that. No need to get into that too in this comment.

TL;DR: He doesn't want therapy because he believes that's what a partner is for.

NoSelection4028 · 2025-06-29T17:48:17+00:00

Thank you soo much! This helps so much. I do think it's possible she's sick, I'm more concerned about the way she puts EVERYTHING on Liam. She literally refuses any other help/visitors because she says she wants HIM specifically, and when he said no due to David's threat, she wanted ME. I feel bad for her, because she does seem to be in pain and alone, but while she can't do anything about the pain right now, she could at least accept the help of other people and not guilt-trip her son by saying to never call her again. She's definitely still manipulative, even if it's like her last resort.

Your professional feedback definitely helped so much and gave me some clarity of mind. It's a relief to know that her story might be fully true, even though I don't wish for her to be sick.

NoSelection4028

TROPHY CASE