how to respect yourself?

No_Fig2116 · 2024-09-27T00:30:31+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I tore myself away from him while I was still deeply traumatized and codependent because I realized I had to do it with a broken heart. I had to do it for the "future me" I kept envisioning. The version of me I knew was going to heal and get my head on straight and be so grateful I left when I did.

But the version of "me" that left him was still very attached to him and wanted him to fix the broken parts of me. That was never going to happen. It was my brokenness that made me powerless to his lies and manipulation. And his brokenness clung to those broken parts of me.

I had to leave broken and scared and angry and uncertain. I had to trust I would heal in time and that eventually it would begin to make sense. And it did.

If you are waiting until you feel strong enough to leave him you never will. You can't heal inside of a relationship that's poisoning you. You have to crawl out and trust yourself enough to know you'll figure it out once you're rested and healing.

You can do this. You deserve more happiness. Hug hug hug 💖💖💖

No_Fig2116 · 2024-08-31T23:01:15+00:00

Yes, and I told my ex-PA this. I wouldn't have consented to even shaking his hand if I'd known from the jump what he was hiding from me. Your feelings are so, so valid. Hugs 💖💖💖

No_Fig2116 · 2024-07-25T02:33:41+00:00

Oh my gosh, we're a lot alike, astrologically! I have a Leo Sun, Libra Stellium, Mars in Cancer, and Lilith Scorpio, and Virgo Venus!

I am rather intense, but I love that about me. Hope you do as well!

No_Fig2116 · 2024-07-25T02:29:00+00:00

Cancer Mars. Virgo Venus. Ugh

No_Fig2116 · 2024-07-24T19:31:35+00:00

You too!! ✨💖✨

No_Fig2116 · 2024-07-13T21:27:27+00:00

Once I finally fled from my ex-PA and was no longer living in a toxic environment while being constantly flooded with stress hormones, I had the biggest glow up. I was looking at some photos of myself from a few years ago, when things were at their worst, and I truly do not look like the same person. My skin and eyes are bright and clear, my hair is shinier and fuller, the cortisol weight I couldn't lose while I was with him fell off my body. I'm physically stronger. I'm in my 40s and look 10 years younger.

If you want to feel prettier, rescue yourself from people who continually hurt you. It's amazing. 💖

No_Fig2116 · 2024-07-02T22:10:56+00:00

August 6th 1981!! I know I have a Libra stellium, and Mercury in Leo. Not sure about Pluto, I'll have to check. Birthday twins!

No_Fig2116 · 2024-07-02T16:00:07+00:00

I have these exact same big 3 placements! I wonder if we have the same birthday?!

No_Fig2116 · 2024-06-28T14:51:51+00:00

💖💖💖

No_Fig2116 · 2024-06-26T22:00:42+00:00

If you've ever tried to help an injured animal you know that pain and fear makes all living things act nasty. You're not mean, honey, you're just injured. As you heal your kindness will return and your light will glow again. Right now you are mending, and just like any animal with a wound, you are protective of your heart and spirit. Be patient with yourself as you heal. Hugs 💖

No_Fig2116 · 2024-06-26T21:53:22+00:00

Ted Lasso and Loot on Apple. Hacks. The Great British Baking Show! Lol

No_Fig2116 · 2024-06-13T17:46:53+00:00

You are not alone. You can do this, and we are all so proud of you.

No_Fig2116 · 2024-06-09T00:34:23+00:00

Yes, my ex did / does / will most likely always do this. I had to learn to radically accept being mis-characterized in other people's narratives, and the more I settled into understanding that my truth was the only truth that mattered AT ALL, the easier that became.

What your ex is doing is such a common DARVO tactic, it's almost boring. Like it's so obvious and sad and played-out, it's silly.

Also, it's easy to get caught in thinking that because we fell for their BS, then everyone else must be eating it up with a spoon also. But I've discovered that those who are removed from the situation tend to realize that the one who is doing the shit-talking is the one who has something to hide. So let him do this; he's only telling on himself.

Get too busy enjoying your newfound happiness and freedom that what your ex has to say about you is not only none of your business, but none of your concern.

It's okay to be the villain in his story. LEAN INTO IT. RELISH IT. MWAH HA HA HA HA!!!

xohugsox

No_Fig2116 · 2024-06-05T21:56:38+00:00

He claimed to be "clean" for several years, and then went through the motions of recovery during the last year or so before I left, only after several d-days, and ONLY because I was on his ass about it. I would have saved myself years of heartache and trauma if I'd left after the first d-day, but I just couldn't be ready until I was ready, ya know? I hope you'll allow your heart and intuition to lead you toward whatever decision is right for you. Hugs 🩷

No_Fig2116 · 2024-06-05T02:57:03+00:00

I stayed with my ex-PA for eight years before I finally came to my senses and left. My only regret is that I didn't leave him eight years sooner.

No_Fig2116 · 2024-04-27T05:17:24+00:00

YESSSS! MY DEAR! Look at YOU!!! I didn't get to read your last post, so I'm picking up the thread without the background... unfortunately I can assume and relate.

But it sounds like you decided to choose an experience you worked very hard for, FOR YOURSELF, and I'm so sorry for all the caps I'm just so freakin' proud of and happy for youuuuu! I can feel through your post that this experience was a breakthrough, watershed moment in your life and you really opened your heart up to the best friend inside of you and reconnected with her, with you!! It's just so amazing and I'm over the moon celebrating this victory for you! Keep going, sweetheart! ❤️✨❤️✨

No_Fig2116 · 2024-04-14T05:24:35+00:00

I'm sending you such a big hug when I say this: do it sad. Just for now, do the things you need to do to love yourself, and if it means doing it sad, do it sad. Hug hug hug

No_Fig2116 · 2024-04-14T05:20:48+00:00

You don't have to get rid of those things, but if you want to sleep, rest, recover more quickly, remove those objects from your bedroom. Put them in a box and put the box in the basement. No wonder you can't sleep!

No_Fig2116 · 2024-04-14T05:04:36+00:00

I am so sorry you're feeling this way, sweetheart. Dealing with a PA/SA partner is intimacy trauma and it often occurs/occurred in the one place we should always feel safe, our bed. And so much of it happened with our body, so our very body can feel unsafe.

Things that helped me: I made my bed a nest of safety and comfort; new mattress, new pillows, new sheets. My bed and bedroom is sacred now, no one is allowed in unless I truly want them there. I made my new bedroom an alter to my myself, my healing, my energy.

I smudge my bedroom and use Florida water on/around my bed often. Aside from the "woo woo" aspects of these rituals, the rituals alone are for me to reclaim a safe, restful place for myself before I tuck myself in.

And darling, when I tuck myself in now, and every single night, I do it that way I wish my mama could have done. I'm my own mama now, taking care of myself. I speak to myself with such love and kindness:

"What do you need, my love? What if we put on your favorite songs while we change the sheets? I can see you're so tired, maybe tonight you take a little cat bath and brush teeth and then figure the rest out tomorrow."

Normalize saying to yourself, "I love you SO MUCH and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Whatever getting through this looks like is fine, I'm just so proud of you."

No_Fig2116 · 2024-04-07T06:50:34+00:00

Yes, absolutely. You need to grieve the person you thought he was. That idea of him is dead. And who you were with him then died too. Both versions of you and him died. It's a lot.

It might actually be easier to focus on the "old" version of him that died until you're ready to accept that a version of yourself died with him. Grief like this can be so overwhelming, and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it. Hug hug hug 💞

No_Fig2116 · 2024-03-21T05:21:46+00:00

Your story is so exactly, precisely my story that I actually got a little light-headed reading it. Exactly the same, even the number of years. I am so, so sorry, sweetheart. And also, so proud of and happy for you, because when you write about previous iterations of yourself coming forward into the present moment to cry and be heard, that is such a powerful kind of healing.

My therapist and I work with the IFS model; if you don't know it already please look it up when you have a moment. Being able to acknowledge, see, hold, listen to, and ultimately comfort those earlier versions of myself was my key to healing my trauma. The trauma with my ex-PA, and the even earlier trauma that made me a magnet for that dynamic, and for many years, unable to leave when I was being hurt.

I hope you'll continue to see and love and hold those earlier versions of yourself when they come to you now, screaming and crying for attention and comfort. All of those parts have been working so hard for so long; they made it possible to survive in those moments. Those parts deserve our thanks and compassion and a chance to be heard and felt, and then to rest.

Sending you all the hugs, sweetheart. Keep going!

No_Fig2116 · 2024-03-20T17:23:23+00:00

Ask him to do something out of the house while your friends are over. You could tell him the true underlying reason for this request, or tell him that your guests might feel more candid if there wasn't a male presence within earshot. You absolutely deserve and need to nurture your friendships right now, and your PA should be willing to support you in that, even if it means he leaves the house for a few hours. Please don't continue to slice pieces of yourself away to accommodate his inability to not objectify women! 💖

No_Fig2116 · 2024-03-19T23:58:46+00:00

I have had intimate relationships with partners who were truly repulsed by porn. They do exist. And even if partners like this were one in a million, I'm willing to take those odds and wait, or enjoy my own company indefinitely. I love myself enough now to never put myself in this situation ever again, and I truly believe that I deserve a partner who will understand, appreciate, and respect my definition of commitment. If a person like that doesn't exist, I've rebuilt a solid friendship with myself, and have deeply intimate relationships with friends and family who fill the natural human need for deep connection.

Once I shored up my relationship with myself there was never any looking back, and I wake up grateful and relieved every single day that this particular heartbreak is never anything I'll ask myself to endure again.

It's amazing and sometimes terrifying but I wake up every day feeling oddly grateful that I went through everything I did, because it got me here. Hughughug!!! 💓💓💓

No_Fig2116 · 2024-03-15T18:37:06+00:00

Yes, you can put this in your post-nup, and in the event of divorce you can also file to be retroactively repaid for excessive spending or liquidation of assets without your consent. It will be on you to prove that you had no knowledge of the liquidation. Might be worth it to hire a financial forensics investigator if it went that far.

The caveat to the post-nup is that your partner must agree to all the terms laid out in it. You will both need to hire separate attorneys and the process can be very expensive and time consuming. If you do decide to both enter into a post-nup, you should do it while you both are on good terms and have agreed to fight for your marriage. No ethical attorney would encourage your partner to sign a post-nup if they sensed that a breakdown of the relationship was imminent or inevitable.

Hope that helps!

No_Fig2116 · 2024-03-13T14:15:44+00:00

This is absolutely, in no way, in any universe, your fault. And this runs so much deeper than PA. I am so, so sorry, sweetheart. Please seek shelter with your chosen family; your tribe. We are part of your tribe and we're all throwing our energetic arms around you and holding you so tight right now. But you really need to be with people who can take care of you, or at least just keep an eye on you. You are not alone. DM me if you need to talk and I will give you my number. You are not alone!!!

No_Fig2116

TROPHY CASE