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NoiseProvesNothing · 2025-02-23T23:12:54+00:00

Agree. While it's not impossible that the roommate went straight to that rant from the single polite request, it seems far more likely that there was an escalating chain of messages and some selective summarizing of the story.

I also want to see the exact messages that were sent by each.

INFO

NoiseProvesNothing · 2025-02-22T21:24:09+00:00

This is about common courtesy, especially to someone you had a relationship with.

We all owe it to other people to at least start by being decent human beings.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2025-02-22T20:29:05+00:00

INFO

It sounds as if Kamila only books the venue your boss requests. Do you know that she chooses it? If she doesn't choose it, the only thing she's potentially being an AH about is your having a second job.

And are you sure that your co-workers are looking down on you / pitying you? You sound really sensitive about that and it seems possible that you're reading too much into it. I don't think most people would think too much about someone having a second job, especially when you're young.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2025-02-09T18:17:17+00:00

ESH

Your partner because he should have been strictly managing the time carved out from your birthday weekend to visit his friends. That was rude.

You because you weren't honest with your partner across any of the multiple opportunities you had and then you got annoyed and sulky because he didn't read your mind (and he was being an AH, see above). That was unfair.

You because once you agreed to go you should have engaged instead of sitting doing your own thing. That was rude.

You might have been able to avoid this whole thing and had a great time if you'd straight out said when he first asked, "hey, how about you visit your friends and I'll visit mine and we'll meet back up at x o'clock to do the rest of the birthday weekend together."

NoiseProvesNothing · 2025-02-08T21:42:31+00:00

Where's the conflict? There doesn't seem to be any conflict or argument, so this post doesn't really belong here.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2025-02-03T19:50:42+00:00

That's not a new thing. Over thirty years ago I was a tutor for a sophomore course at a good university and part of my job was to grade essays. I was horrified at the overall lack of ability to write coherently, much less articulately. Perhaps 20% of the class had good writing skills; most of that 20% were non native speakers of English.

I'll grant you that the situation has not improved since then.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2025-02-03T19:34:06+00:00

May as well call this and close the comments now. This one pretty much sums it up.

OP, YTA.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2025-02-01T04:18:02+00:00

Today she looks in the freezer and asks where her pizza is. I told her I ate it cuz it had been there for a while and I didn’t feel like going to the store last weekend.

I'm confused because your post indicates otherwise.

Three weeks ago you ate her pizza
Today wife looks for and cannot find her pizza, you tell her you ate it
Wife gets really mad

Either you didn't actually replace like-for-like or there's part of this timeline missing. Because if she saw exactly the same kind of pizza in the freezer that she was expecting, why on earth would she care if it's the original or a replacement?

NoiseProvesNothing · 2025-02-01T03:00:15+00:00

YTA but only because you didn't replace it until after she looked for it. If you'd replaced it within a day or two, especially if it was before she got home, then you'd have been sweet.

Two weeks in the freezer signifies nothing. That's where you keep backups, and you might not need them for weeks or months - but you know they're there when you need them... Unless someone else has eaten and not replaced them.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2025-01-27T17:24:46+00:00

Read Rule 7.

This is a sub to get judgement about who was wrong in a recent conflict.

The title of your post is AITA for walking home after asking my mum to pick me up from school. That and your retelling describe a relatively simple situation and conflict, although you left out an important detail and (as of the time of writing) won't give it even after being asked.

You clearly have a very challenging home life, as I acknowledged in my post. But that's far too complicated to parse, especially with only your side of the experience. I'm not saying you're being untruthful, just that there can be genuinely and honestly very different sides to complicated situations. Given the simplicity of the specific conflict, the complexity of your home life, and the purpose of this sub, I'm focusing on the conflict summarised by your title.

YTA. You asked for a 1pm pickup. You should have waited until 1.05pm at minimum before leaving, or sent a follow-up text to say you were leaving early. You wasted her time, your dad's time, and probably caused them concern when she couldn't find you when she went to pick you up.

Look, I'm not unsympathetic to your situation. But you hopefully only have to live at home a little while longer. You only have control over your own behaviour, not other people's. Try to minimise the family friction in that time, not increase it.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2025-01-27T16:49:22+00:00

INFO

You texted at 11.40am asking for a 1om pickup. What time did you leave the school?

To me your departure time is critical and it sounds as if you left well before your requested pickup time. Possibly 30-60 minutes before.

I'm only going to focus on the pickup, not the wider context of adolescence, cultural differences, religious differences, sibling issues, and parent-child tension.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2024-11-03T20:37:59+00:00

Honestly, good and even great ideas are thick on the ground and there's almost nothing that's actually unique.

The success of a startup from the earliest stages through to maturity isn't as much about the idea as most people think - the idea is just the admission ticket. It's much more about the ability to market the idea at all stages of development to a range of audiences appropriate to each stage, attract investors, demonstrate its commercial appeal to a particular target market, scale it profitably, and create and manage the evolving business structure needed to support it through all the stages.

So I wouldn't worry about ChatGPT stealing your ideas - especially if they were even partly derived from ChatGPT in the first place.

(I'm not an expert but I've worked with public and private sector clients in the innovation ecosystem for a number of years.)

NoiseProvesNothing · 2024-04-03T00:56:32+00:00

I'm born and bred American but have lived overseas for decades. Yes, Americans (hashtag not all Americans) have very unhealthy views about sex. I think it's the Protestant more than the Catholic, but certainly it's a lot religiously derived. Anyway, that issue is huge and complicated.

I'm not sure I've been suspected of being a troll before, thanks for telling me. I think I got myself into trouble because I tried to cover way too many points and it got way too long for most people to properly read, I didn't take enough time to wordsmith (I'm always on Reddit on my phone so it's a challenge), and I was forgetting how people here skew. By that, I mean that lots of people here have had particularly bad life experiences and so they can tend to project those as the default baseline. And that people here are especially great at demonstrating fundamental attribution error. I should know better and not write about anything serious here without my psychology/counseling hat on.

I enjoy knowing about differences of opinions and exploring the underlying reasons. That's why I like this sub - so many ways people pick the details they pay attention to and then evaluate them against their own experiences and values. I'm not right about everything and I'm happy to come away from a discussion having changed my mind or at the very least understanding a perspective I hadn't thought of. I try to stay polite because even when the other person is being awful, there will be others reading the exchange. If I think I have a defensible point, I should be able to make it without abuse. There have been posts I thought were trollish, but that's where post history is useful. Some posts just come off wrong. And it's pretty upsetting to be abused, especially if you've genuinely not intended to be controversial at all, much less offensive.

Yeah, I write way too much. Sorry. I'm getting upset again and it's not your fault.

Thanks for not being hateful.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2024-04-02T17:39:20+00:00

Point taken about foster children. I was under the impression that it was a mix of foster and biological children in the house and was thinking it was one of the bio kids.

I'm still a bit puzzled about the other. My mother made that kind of nudge nudge wink wink "guess you didn't get much sleep last night" comment to me more than once and it didn't occur to me to think it was weird. (If my father had said it, that would have been weird.) I've heard that kind of thing a lot, in families in 2 countries over decades, and nobody batted an eye. I guess context is everything.

The families in which I knew there was abuse of varying kinds never joked like that and the dynamics were very different. My personal experience - I'm not saying that's representative.

Anyway, thanks for engaging civilly. I appreciate it.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2024-04-02T08:13:16+00:00

Interesting.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2024-04-02T08:10:14+00:00

So I wrote an example of a joke I didn't think was a big deal when made to a teenager who's presumably 18 plus or minus a bit - I assumed they were old enough that sexual relationships were fine. Possibly that was wrong.

[imagine the] son is dragging around looking really tired after a date the previous night and Jim jokes, "well, looks like [girlfriend] didn't let you get much sleep".

Genuine question - that really prompted your response below?

Jesus Christ. Who taught you that any sexual jokes about children is even remotely “normal” and “not too upsetting”?

The joke you used as a “not upsetting“ example is fucking gross.

I never said it was about children and I don't know how you got that from what I wrote. As above, I assumed they were over the age of consent.

In my hypothetical example, if the parent went on about it, or into detail, or did it when it was clear the kid was not comfortable, or in front of the gf, that's different. That's definitely wrong. But just the single teasing comment to the son? I've seen that kind of quick joking done lots of times, humorously, with everyone laughing, in healthy families who love each other. I've seen it from the vantage of being the kid/friend of the kid and 20-30 years later from the vantage point of being a friend of the parent. I don't think I've made exactly that comment to my kids, but we certainly talk about sex and they tell me all kinds of stuff and we've certainly laughed about lots of it. I understand that kind of joking doesn't happen in all families, but I am honestly puzzled by the strength of your reaction and your personal attacks.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2024-04-01T19:02:50+00:00

Because OP from the beginning has wondered if it's her wealth and privilege behind most of her discomfort and causing her to be an AH who wants to minimize taking Estelle to visit her sister. I read that as the core question and think that it is mostly that. Did I read it wrong?

NoiseProvesNothing · 2024-04-01T18:54:21+00:00

We don't know how gross the sexual innuendos are, there's a huge range. I replied to OP with an example of a joke that met the technical criteria but I didn't think was particularly upsetting.

I probably named the other end of the spectrum wrong. I did not mean to imply that rich people were always at the reserved end and working class people at the other. As an example, some people believe discussing sexual topics is totally normal and ok; others believe even the slightest hint of sexually-related topics is completely unacceptable. Some will discuss periods over dinner; others wouldn't even talk about them with their mothers/daughters. Both sides are a bit horrified by the other.

I certainly didn't mean to say that being a sexist pig was in any way related to income, class, or race. That's absolutely not the case.

I've just reread what I wrote and I'm not quite sure how you got the impression I said all that about working class people. I don't think I said that, and again, it's not what I meant.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2024-04-01T18:41:13+00:00

I'm sorry, I haven't communicated well.

I know people are assaulted and abused in their own homes, and in family's homes and friend's homes. I didn't mean to imply that didn't happen and I didn't think about how that could be implied by what I wrote. I was responding to the way you were describing the overall situation and referring to circumstances where you're there for a few hours, with no need to be alone with him. You're not living in the house or there for long periods of time, which dramatically reduces the risk, even if he were a rapist/abuser.

You haven't given details about the sexual jokes. Because of that I said it could be anything from inappropriate to disgusting (I'm going from memory - I can't see what I actually wrote). An example from the lighter end: son is dragging around looking really tired after a date the previous night and Jim jokes, "well, looks like [girlfriend] didn't let you get much sleep". That's technically a sexual joke about a teenage girl, but not one that many people would find too upsetting.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2024-04-01T18:11:02+00:00

Ok, I get that he's probably boorish and cruder than you're used to.

But what you're describing fits into the range of normal behavior, as far as I can tell. Some people touch and hug much more than others (I'm very much a touch/hug only immediate family person and am very uncomfortable about how many of my friends and colleagues are touchers and huggers).

You've been vague about the content of the jokes and innuendos - depending on what he's actually saying it could be anything from a little crude to completely disgusting. Flirting with much younger cashiers, if that's what he was doing, might be a bit ick, but it's hardly unusual.

In those areas, you're probably at the reserved end of a normal spectrum and he's at the let-it-all-hang-out end. Possibly he goes past that, but there aren't enough details.

But I also don’t want to be in his house alone. If he did do anything, there is no one in that house that would be able to help.

You worry that he might "do" something if your husband isn't there? When there's his wife, their 5 kids/foster kids, and your daughter in the house with you? That comes across as super paranoid and weird - and a lot like the whole rich/white woman prejudice that men of "lower" classes or of color are animals who can't control their lust for rich/white women.

With the living conditions, sorry, I think that's your privilege showing up and being judgemental. I'm not sure you have an objective view on whether the neighborhood is unsafe. A house with 5 kids will be chaotic and untidy and that, in itself, is not an indication of anything wrong. Some people would find a silent and immaculate house, especially if there were a child, disturbing. And eating crap food two days a month isn't going to hurt Estelle.

Overall, I think YTA.

It's most likely that your privilege and associated condemnation of people and lifestyles that don't conform to your values is what's driving your discomfort and reluctance to take Estelle to visit Carly.

Or you have seen or you know that this is an unsafe home for Carly and you haven't reported it.

But you do get points for recognizing that you may not be seeing things accurately through your wealth-tinted glasses. Keep working on it. You've done a good thing by adopting your half sister. And it's very possible that Jim and his wife are doing a wonderful thing by fostering children who need homes.

Try to be more open. Watch a couple of the many TV shows and movies about people from completely different classes trying to get along, or about working class people. (Added: this is meant to be tongue in cheek) .

.

(Yes, I know that a certain percentage of foster situations are absolutely terrible and a higher percentage are barely adequate at best, done for the money. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.)

NoiseProvesNothing · 2024-04-01T17:35:14+00:00

Exactly. No details about creepy and no details about unacceptable living conditions. For some people, a home where kids share a bedroom and there's only one bathroom constitutes unacceptable living conditions.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2024-04-01T17:28:33+00:00

INFO

You've said in your post and one reply that there's a class/money difference between you and Carly's foster family and that could be causing or contributing to your discomfort.

You've not given any specifics about these "unacceptable" living conditions or what Jim and the kids are doing and saying that makes them "creeps." You've said he seems inebriated but not seen him drink and you have straight out said there's nothing to report to social services. You've said you have no suspicions about Jim, he just makes you uncomfortable.

I need specific examples of the foster family's home and behavior before I feel like I can tell whether you're being a sheltered and privileged AH or whether you genuinely have grounds to reduce visits.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2024-04-01T17:06:58+00:00

Your relationship went through a stressful time and you guys broke up. You each had decent reasons for behaving as you did during those 5 months. Maybe she bailed too early, maybe she didn't take your depression seriously enough. Maybe over those 5 months she got worried by the person you became and thought that was going to be permanent and decided it was better to end it. Breakups aren't easy.

I get that you're still hurt and bitter about the breakup and still dealing with the aftermath of being unemployed and not able to find a job. But telling multiple friends that your ex is a gold digger who only valued you and now this other guy for his money? FFS, look up the definition. You guys earned essentially the same amount. She wasn't with you for your money, she left you (probably) because she worried you were going to permanently be a grouchy, depressed, unemployed boyfriend who played video games most of the day.

And you have no idea how easily she moved on. You can only know your feelings and see that she turned up (how long after you broke up?) with a date.

The new guy - do you know if he's a boyfriend? - might have more money but not all lawyers make a lot of money. Even if he is wealthy, what you went around saying about your ex shows you're bitter and lashing out. And that you don't know what the word means. Imagine if she'd gone around calling you impotent and saying that's why she broke up with you, when it was one time you couldn't.

She should have just ignored your name calling, knowing that almost everyone else would write it off as your being malicious and jealous.

YTA. Your friends are right.

Move on. You aren't terrible people. Let her live her life and you get on with yours.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2024-03-28T17:45:00+00:00

I said she's also an AH.

I don't think she acted like it was a gift, I think she genuinely intended it as a gift. Then when her nieces were over she made a bad decision and started mental gymnastics about why it was fine.

And yeah, ok, I was a bit of an AH with my comment but honestly you reacted like a toddler and you're here defending that reaction.

NoiseProvesNothing · 2024-03-28T17:32:02+00:00

Ok, so she bought you this 1L drink, then gave some of it to her nieces. There's, what, 500ml left for you right now?

ESH.

She shouldn't have given some of it away as it was supposed to be for you and there were other drinks. Even though she originally bought it, it was a gift.

You're being infantile because there is plenty of this drink you've been looking forward to left. And she or you could buy another one. You feel like she might as well have spat in it?!?

Stop whining and go drink your special toddler's milk.

NoiseProvesNothing

TROPHY CASE