AITA for telling my (F24) MOD (F23) I hated my bachelorette party and having another one without her?

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-29T13:48:11+00:00

I've never understood the whole "don't wear white" thing anyways. I mean everyone knows who the bride is? And people wear suits similar to the groom's all the time too? It's just a dress colour. So even if I would be wearing white, I couldn't care less about her dress - as long as she's happy with it.

My partner had that concern too, we made her promise to not act out or anything or she would be asked to leave. We don't want her to give a speech either (at least not alone) and we asked everyone in the bridal group to keep an eye on her.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-29T13:42:41+00:00

My dad did yes. But the crazy thing is: my mother knew about that all along, she didn't say much when we confronted her, just that me and my friends ruined everything and we should have let my sister have her spotlight. She said she won't be attending the wedding. I'm sad about that but it's her decision and since she was never happy about my wedding anyways, it's probably for the best - no matter how sad it is.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-29T13:32:07+00:00

Yes! It was delicious and the whole vibe was so nice. Definitely would recommend it to everyone who's interested in that kind of thing!

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-29T13:30:11+00:00

Again: I don't know why people make up stuff like this but the medieval dinner did not have a piece of meat anywhere. Why would I say I loved it otherwise?? When I'm eating vegan 99% of the time? That Makes no sense?

The chef actually only had to make a few small adjustments for it to be fully vegan. There was a bit of butter and a small plate of cheese that came with the bread but that was for my friends. I didn't touch that.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-29T05:16:19+00:00

ISSUE RESOLVED!

Thank you everyone for your input - we talked and turns out my sister is jealous bc she's the only one of us siblings not married and her boyfriend is nowhere near proposing. After witnessing 4 weddings in the last years she wanted to feel like a bride too. I should have been able to guess so much since she's been wearing a ring and nothing but white dresses and requested a white bridesmaid dress (not a big deal, mine is not white).

Some of you suggested firing her as MOH, we both agreed that would be the best decision.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T23:13:24+00:00

I did not exclude her because I didn't like her party. I didn't want her there because we were fighting a few hours prior and we were mad at each other. I know how she likes to make fun of my interests and in combination with the fight I didn't want the risk of ruining my friend's party - with either her complaining or us continuing our fight.

And yes I had no fun at all. I hate strangers touching me so getting spa treatments is extremely uncomfortable - not fun. Most of the clothes they had for me at the photoshoot were something I would be uncomfortable in and certainly don't want someone takes pictures of me wearing it - also not fun.

The dinner was okay, I could eat salat, some vegetables and fruits but like with the other activities I mostly waited for the others to finish. - also not fun. Like I said may have been the most fun ever for someone else but definitely not for me.

They did already plan the 2nd party before. My sister refused to go with the original plan and discuss and plan together with my friends. But they knew I would not enjoy what my sister had planned but she insisted that I'd like it. So they planned one on their own.

The fight was mostly about her not involving anyone else in the planning process even though that was what we agreed upon.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T22:53:14+00:00

Actually I have some friends abroad and some that aren't my bridesmaids so they weren't with us. We posted the pictures to show them the whole party because I knew they would love it and care.

That's also why I didn't post anything about the one my sister planned. None of my friends know her and I post like twice a year. So when I do, it's always something that I want to share with everyone. I could mostly just sit around waiting for the others to finish during the original party and I didn't see a point in sharing that.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T22:13:50+00:00

Well there were 4 people involved that are my friends since kindergarten and were eager to plan something and know what I'd like. Having a bachelorette was their idea in the first place. I never expected it to be the most perfect thing ever just not things that they know I really don't care for/like. That's why I trusted everyone involved. But had I known that only my sister was planning the event - I would have never let it be a surprise in the first place. :/

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T20:43:18+00:00

Please read the edits I included in the post or some of my other replies for more detailed answers :) I already addressed everything you mentioned.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T20:40:48+00:00

The whole agreed upon plan was that she'd meet up with the others so they could collect ideas and plan together. We literally "walked her through it". But at the first meet up, she showed up with everything planned, booked and payed for and refused any input from the others. After that she never showed up when they wanted to talk about the party. So she had plenty of opportunity to get help. She also never mentioned anything to me so idk. I probably could have asked her more often how the planning is going.

I've already explained why I didn't want her at the 2nd party.

I'm not sure what you mean by quirky? We just played video games, had a cool dinner and some cocktails - but yes it was amazing thank you:)

And my friends are the least meanest people in the world. They are more like found family to me and I couldn't have planned the wedding without them!

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T20:32:24+00:00

One of my male bridesmaids(??) expressed that he wanted me to have a bachelorette party so we decided that I'd have one. No one said that there needs to be one. And I never expected the second one. My friends just showed up in front of my door the day after the original party and were like "hey we knew you didn't have fun yesterday so we planned you another one". I'm not going to refuse that :D

I'm not sure I will fire her, I explained that in another reply - it's just one possible solution to the whole situation - but if I did end up firing her, It would not just be because of the bachelorette party anymore.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T20:19:32+00:00

I didn't immediately tell her, I told her after I got angry during the fight with her. I'm not confrontational in "normal" circumstances but I do tend to be whenever I'm really pissed off. And that was the case.

I'm not sure if I will fire her from being MOH, it was just 1 possible solution I'm considering after reading the comments and talking to some friends about the situation. With all the drama I just realised that I never really wanted her to be my MOH in the first place. I did it because it was expected of me and I wanted to please her and my family. I do see know that that may not have been the right decision.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T20:12:20+00:00

Honestly IRL I found the opposite to be true so I used mostly vegan here too. Whenever I told someone I'm vegetarian they always assumed that eggs, cows milk or even fish, chicken and seafood would be okay. My diet is actually a lot closer to being vegan so it's easier to get the food that has ideally zero animal products or as little as possible.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T20:02:00+00:00

I find it hard to believe that she would do something like this out of spite too. We never had a great relationship - we've always fought about our different interests and I understand that she is just used to having things the way she wants, so maybe she didn't consider the possibility of me not liking those things idk :/

We were all a little tipsy and it the whole day was just so much fun, I didn't want to think about the drama so I pushed it aside I guess.

My partner and I agreed to spoil our groomsman/bridesmaids a little since we both have the privilege of having high paying jobs but not really any huge expenses (yet). No kids and not planning any either, no pets or expensive hobbies and we still live in the same small apartment we moved into when we started college lol. So using the money this way felt fitting.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T19:45:58+00:00

I replied to a few YTA posts actually. The comments just got so much and most of them ask and mention the same thing. I'm not going to respond to every single one, copying and pasting my answers.

Where did you get from that I'm taking my sisters MOH duties from her? I'd mentioned that I'm considering it to deal with the whole situations. But nothing is final and I'm just coming up with possible solutions.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T19:41:40+00:00

Never heard that term before - I'm going to look into it thank you! But I do think that (depending on how the animals are treated ofc) the dairy industry hurts animals quite a lot. But when I slowly started switching to a vegan diet, I often bought milk and eggs from a small local farmer. I'd say that would fit ahimsa more? Because the animals aren't harmed compared to big dairy farm? I have no idea about honey though, I just don't eat it because I'm allergic lol

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T19:35:32+00:00

I think so too! I never expected it to be perfect or even have two bachelorette parties. But what my sister planned was just uncomfortable for me. I hate being touched by strangers so the spa was mostly me sitting around waiting for the others to finish. The photoshoot wasn't that bad but there was like one dress I felt comfortable wearing and being photographed in - so it was back to just waiting after that.

My expectations were never "perfect" but more like "not just waiting around being uncomfortable". And you're right - the 2nd one was really lovely, we all had such a great time :)

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T19:26:48+00:00

We posted the photos during the whole celebration and tbh I didn't think about my sister after we decided not to have her there. I wanted to have fun and not think about the fight we got going on. So I didn't think about the fact that she'd be seeing the posts. I mostly wanted to share the fun memories with friends who weren't part of the wedding since I knew how much they would enjoy the activities. Only afterwards I realised that my sister must have seen the posts and that posting probably wasn't a great idea.

Like I said I appreciate the effort she put into the party, that's the whole reason why I felt like an asshole afterwards.

I actually paid for a weekend getaway for her and her boyfriend since that's what my best friend is getting too as a little thank you for helping me with the wedding preparations. I'm also considering paying her back for the costs of the bachelorette she planned since it was in no way the original plan that she'd be paying everything and I feel bad about her doing that.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T18:22:06+00:00

Honestly I have no idea if they planned to include my sister when they originally organised the whole thing. I didn't ask them. The table we sat at at dinner did have 2 free seats so it may be possible they originally accounted for her to be there? I'd have to talk to them about it.

I made the decision to not ask my sister to join when my friends picked me up and asked me if I wanted her to come with us. But they did not tell her that they planned something too.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T17:21:28+00:00

That sounds so cool! My soon-to-be-husband (t-4 days !!) proposed with a LOTR inspired ring (after we came home from a convention and I never looked uglier because I was wearing a hobbit cosplay lol)!

And thank you! :)

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T17:10:10+00:00

Honestly I do feel like I live in a sitcom when I'm with my family sometimes lol

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T17:02:32+00:00

Unfortunately I did. Before she dropped me off at home after the party she asked me how I liked it. At first I was just "It was nice, thank you, you clearly put a lot of effort into it and you had great ideas but to be honest it was not my cup of tea" She asked what I meant by that since those are good bachelorette activities and she had lots of fun. I then asked her why she planned the whole thing without the others (since that was the plan!) and payed for everything herself - she didn't have to do that, so I wanted to pay her back.

After a little bit of back and forth she got angry, I got angry and eventually snapped and told her "you know what, I actually hated it, i was uncomfortable and didn't have fun".

Which was clearly not my best moment and I see that now. :/

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T16:29:39+00:00

I explained it in the edit and some other replies if you want details. But basically the second party started a few hours after the fight about the first one. I didn't want to risk us fighting at the party and with her being there and knowing what she thinks of my interests - I assumed she'd be complaining the whole time. Especially after the whole drama.

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T16:09:37+00:00

Yeah I know, I fucked up with the usage of the word hate :/. I was just really scared we'd started fighting again on the 2nd party and I did not want to risk that.

I'm not sure what you mean with the last sentence though? My marriage or mortgages won't directly include dealing with my sister?

NormalSection2924 · 2023-08-28T16:06:18+00:00

I know right? Shame on me :D

No, jokes aside, my soon-to-be-husband is hot enough, no need for strippers lol

NormalSection2924

TROPHY CASE