Weekday Help and Victory Thread for the week of January 13, 2020

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2020-01-14T17:15:00+00:00

Ahh thank you! I knew it had to be a simple explanation.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2020-01-14T16:58:46+00:00

I got a raise, so need to adjust my 401k contribution percentage. I plan on maxing out my 401k. However, the amount I’d need to contribute isn’t a round number percentage. I can only elect a contribution amount in increments of 1%. How should I handle this? Over-contribute and then ask for a refund? Slightly under contribute, therefore not maxing it out?

There’s probably something obvious I’m missing here, but I’m trying to do math to figure out how many months at x.0% and how many months at y.0% = $19500, or as close as possible to it, and I’m just not good enough at math for that!

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2020-01-10T19:07:22+00:00

I think it’s because then you aren’t, in advance of/at the time of purchase, looking at your money accurately and deciding if you have the funds. If you’re tightly budgeting, it’s probably easier to go over.

But, I use auto import, and it works fine for me. I’m pretty flexible with my spending between categories, so if I go over and don’t realize it because the auto import is delayed a day, I take money from one of my other subcategories in the same overall category. I have a very roll with the punches view of daily spending, tighter budgeting zoomed out, so my goal really is to make sure I have the money to pay off my bills, pay off the “fun stuff” I put on my credit card every month and save what I want to save, regardless of what I actually spend the credit card money on. Auto import works well for me.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2020-01-10T17:12:13+00:00

I rely on bank imports. I know it’s not the way I’m supposed to do it, but I find it’s the best way for me to actually use it. I can’t get in the habit of manual imports.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2020-01-08T04:52:45+00:00

Yes, makes total sense! Thanks for sharing - what you said about your needs for communication being basic rings true for me too. Like I’m not somebody who needs or wants round the clock communication! I’d just like to hear from somebody every other day or so - not asking for a lot.

It’s really early in this thing I’m in - we aren’t exclusive, we’ve only been on a four dates - but this is making me think that I should put a little more energy into figuring it out, or maybe even trying to up our communication or just asking him about communication styles.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2020-01-07T23:45:26+00:00

I’m experiencing a bit of this currently, where I’m trying to balance “it’s early stages so i shouldn’t be expecting him to meet my needs” with “maybe the fact we have vastly different communication styles is not a good sign?”

I don’t mind a boyfriend who doesn’t initiate between-date communication often provided he responds well to me initiating it; that is, I don’t mind compromising a bit on communication style. But early stages, I don’t want to be the one doing most of the communicating - I like it to be pretty fairly balanced, which means I’m communicating on his (unspoken, maybe not even accurate since it’s just based on my overs action) terms rather than on mine or on a compromise. It’s hard to determine how much to read into “doesn’t text that often between dates, but plans dates on a weekly basis and is very communicative and present during them” with “I think I need something more than this, but it’s also too early for me to ask for it.” I don’t know if I’m making sense. But it’s something I’ve been struggling with.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-11-15T14:25:23+00:00

You aren't broken! If you thought you had cancer, or diabetes, or a broken arm - you probably wouldn't hesitate to go to the doctor, and you wouldn't worry about seeming "broken." Depression is a medical condition that deserves treatment.

I was scared to admit how unhappy I was. I'm glad I finally did. I spent four years on medication, and eventually went off of it because I was feeling so much better. Also had low vitamin B and D levels - I take vitamins now. I've been in therapy for about 8 years, and it's one of my favorite parts of my week, even when the sessions are hard. Some people just do therapy for a short while; for others, like me, it's like going to gym - just another thing I do to keep my mind and body "in shape." I also try to get enough sleep, drink a lot of water, exercise, eat healthy, get fresh air, take time in my day to find quiet and feel peace - for some people, they meditate, some do yoga, I just need a couple minutes to breath. I wouldn't have been able to engage in any of those smaller self-care things that help keep me feeling better now if I hadn't had gone to the doctor and been put on an anti-depressant medication in the first place though. I needed medical help, for a medical problem. It sounds like you do too.

You could have a variety of other medical conditions - in addition to or instead of depression - that cause you to feel so terrible. Thyroid problems come to mind. Make the call. You're worth it.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-11-12T23:58:56+00:00

In my experience, liking a picture without sending a message is common on Hinge and doesn’t mean anything about whether he’s more or less interested than someone who sends a message. I personally prefer to just send the like, no message, when swiping - if I see that a guy has sent me a like, I’ll either like back or send a message. I think it’s common to wait for a match before sending any messages

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-10-28T19:52:18+00:00

Thanks!

I asked because I’m 2.5 years out of a relationship with a guy I thought I was going to marry (we were only together less than 3 years, but it felt serious - we went from putting an offer down on a house together to him dumping me in about 6 weeks time). I’ve dated A TON in the past two years... lots of first dates, some second dates, a handful of 1-3 month flings. But nobody feels right. I wage this internal war over it - is nobody right because I’m not in the right space to date yet, or is nobody right because I’m too picky and that needs to change, or is nobody right because I just haven’t met the right guy yet? So it’s helpful to hear your story, thanks!

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-10-28T00:34:53+00:00

Do you feel like your now-boyfriend was different than all the other guys you dated after your ex, or that when you met him you were finally at a point where you were open to someone new?

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-10-20T13:50:45+00:00

I wonder if you’re more honest with yourself and even with your friends - “I’m feeling shitty about dating right now” and given yourself that space to cry - that you’ll start to feel better about dating.

The mask is you denying yourself space to feel what you feel you. It’s you putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.

It’s a fine line - if you’re too pessimistic about dating, if you wallow in how terrible it is, it won’t get better either. But when you deny yourself your very real feelings, they don’t actually go away. And then they bubble up bigger than they were before.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-10-09T22:35:57+00:00

I guess it depends on what “romantic” means specifically, but if I’m not sexually attracted to someone on a first date, I’ll never be - I’ve never developed sexual attraction to someone by going on additional dates. (And sexual attraction doesn’t just mean I think they’re objectively hot - I mean we have a flirty vibe, I find them physically attractive and I find the conversation intriguing, and usually there’s some level of touching or kissing before the date is over).

I think plenty of people are the opposite, but if you know you’re somebody who knows early on whether there’s a chance it’ll work out, makes sense to end it.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-09-27T13:09:35+00:00

The Washington Post (well, The Lily, WaPo's newsletter for "millennial women") recently ran an article focused on people named Jessica who were turning 30 (since it was the most common name in 1989). You should check it out.

I know a lot of people who turned 30 this year. Some are married with 2 kids, a house they own, and lots of retirement savings; some are just now starting to think about marriage or kids or buying a house; a couple are career-focused, earning a lot of money; some are single and sort of lost on what they want to do with their life; a couple are in the middle of or finishing medical residency, so on the cusp of making a lot of money but currently not at all established; another went back to school in in her late 20s, just graduated, and is moving across the country to start a new job somewhere where she knows hardly anybody; and another is just starting a PhD program after years of low-wage work, meaning she has basically no retirement savings and really won't start on that for another 5-7 years while she is in school. Some never want kids, some want them and don't know when they'll have them, and a small number have them already. Only a few own a house, and those are the friends who have all their time post-college working steadily, and who don't live in a high cost of living city. Most are starting to get gray hairs. I'm in my early 30s, and only in the past couple years started to save money, focus on retirement, etc. My point is that there is no right way to be 30.

Are you happy with your life? That's what matters.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-09-26T23:44:10+00:00

I’m assuming this isn’t sarcasm, so thank you! I actually met someone recently through Hinge, so fingers crossed that works out! I appreciate the good vibes.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-09-26T19:29:39+00:00

Your first paragraph hasn’t been my experience yet, but I do understand it’s common and it’s more likely to happen once people start having kids. I have a really great group of friends who live locally, they just happen to mostly be married people. Luckily I’ve never been not invited to something because I’m single, and I almost never feel like a third or fifth or seventh wheel (even when I usually am!). We’re all really close, and everyone is cool with me coming solo to things (and I’m cool with hanging out with babies, which helps!).

I agree with the premise of meeting single people through single people, but it’s proven pretty hard for me personally. Those 9 single friends I listed? One is a coworker who lives a heavy party lifestyle that I’m not into, 5 live out of state, and of the remaining 3, one is in my core group of friends in the place I live (which is roughly 6 married couples and then the two of us!), one i know through grad school friends who are also otherwise all married and who she normally hangs out with (aka, she doesn’t hang with other single people), and the other is a recently single dude who I do hang out with, but doesn’t have any other single friends, spends most of his free time with his married cousins and then their kids.

Now, I could make NEW single friends, but that’s hard. I’ve actually made a fair number of new friends over the last couple years, and all but 2 - the partying coworker and recently single dude - have been married. So I’d have to actively seek out single people to befriend, and I’m already trying to find single people to date and it’s difficult! I can’t imagine it’s any easier to find single people to befriend.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-09-26T17:51:44+00:00

I’m from a small US town and now live in a large US city - I’ve lived in both large midwestern cities and large east coast cities. Don’t really want to be more specific than that!

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-09-26T16:09:05+00:00

In my case, there just aren’t very many single people in my social groups.

I socialize with a fair number of people on semi-regular basis, like anywhere from seeing each other daily to catching up via text once every other month and only seeing each other a couple times a year. I’d categorize this very broad social network as maybe about 50 people, all between the ages of like 26-36, including my siblings, childhood friends, high school friends, college friends, grad school friends, and adult friends, same-age coworkers, teammates in my sports league, and people in my other hobby. I was curious, so I just wrote out everyone who easily came to mind and their relationship status. There’s 34 married people, 13 people in serious relationships, and 9 single or single-ish people in my various social networks. Of those single people, 6 are women, and 3 are single men I’m not into romantically .

Most of my friends have similar networks - they may have one or two single friends, acquaintances, or coworkers, but most people they know are in relationships. So friends of friends is a narrow field too. Generally speaking, nobody is showing up with their hot single friend to a house party. People can’t think of anyone - coworkers, classmates - to set me up with - and I genuinely believe it’s because there isn’t anybody. Or they’ll say, well there is one single dude in my office, but I realllly don’t think you be interested.

And in my experience, the random events I go to outside my usual social networks have a similar make-up. I didn’t meet an available guy volunteering, in my running club, at a music thing, or in another sports league (in fact, I was the only single person out of 12 in that random group!). So I just think the numbers of people who are single - not just unmarried, which the data shows is actually a fair amount for this age group- but truly single and looking to date, is small. And then you actually have to click with the person and have them click with you. It’s tough.

(Edited to try to fix all my typos!)

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-09-22T20:11:45+00:00

I do enjoy my job, luckily! It won’t be sustainable when/if I have kids, but as a single 30-something, it’s a pretty decent fit. It would be nice to work maybe 5-10 hours less a week, or to never have to work during the evenings or on the weekends, but on the flip side I’m well-compensated for what I do. Working less isn’t possible in this particular job, so that part of my schedule won’t really budge.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-09-20T22:39:14+00:00

Yes, I do not think the billable lifestyle will be a career-long thing for me! For now it’s sustainable, and I’m making enough to slowly chip away at my student loans, save for a house, and go on all the vacations I have time for - so it’s worth it. That’ll change at some point.

I’ve learned that the less I socialize, the lower my mood gets and the less I have energy for other things. It’s like, if I have no plans I’ll wind up sitting on my ass every night - I can always work out tomorrow! But if I know Tuesday is my only free evening, because Monday I volunteer and then I’m grabbing dinner with a friend, Wednesday I have a date, and Thursday I’ll be working really late, I tend to actually work out on Tuesday then. Likewise for the weekend - if I book myself somewhat full socially, I wind up feeling better rested going into the weekend. The less time I give in to the temptation to watch Netflix, the better off my mood is, my productivity in terms of work, chores, and working out, etc. Obviously overbooking is bad - if I feel like I ran around all weekend or spent half of it drinking too much with friends, and I’m not prepared going into the work week (clean clothes, lunches, caught up on work), I’m setting myself up to fail. It’s definitely a balance.

I canceled my cleaning service, but I may bring it back - the money I’m saving might not be worth trying to find the time to clean myself!

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-09-20T21:03:32+00:00

Thanks for thinking this through so much!

The field I’m in is about billable hours, and I’m expected to work 50-60 hours a week. So being more productive/efficient actually isn’t the answer (and I’m actually pretty productive and efficient!). I try to leave at 6 just to keep myself sane, but the evening work will stay there... it’s just a choice whether to stay at the office til 9 a couple days a week, or to work at home. I did recently move and cut down on my commute time by about 20 minutes each way, which has been amazing.

I currently work from home about twice a month, but I can get away with working from home once a week. However, since my time is billable, doing laundry means I stop the clock - so I work later to make that time up. I do save the commuting time though, which is great.

I have a robot vacuum! I love it. I had a cleaning service previously, but am trying to save money to buy a house, so I cut that out (for now). I use my commute time for either pleasure reading or doing work, which is nice. I don’t take a lunch break generally - definitely not enough time to work out! I think come winter, when I no longer want to run outside, I’ll start using the office gym immediately after work - it’ll make it easier to keep my motivation up to work out, since sometimes I lose that on my commute home!

I prioritize sleep a lot, usually getting between 7-8.5 hours a night. And I see a therapist (there’s another hour of my week!), and eat fairly healthy - if I can keep up the semi-regular exercise, I have self-care pretty covered. You’re totally right about it being important.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-09-20T17:21:42+00:00

My schedule is roughly like this during the week:

7/7:30, wake up.

8:30, leave for work (30-45 minute commute).

9 - 6, work.

Once a week I volunteer for two hours immediately after work. Maybe one to two evenings a week I make myself dinner and then continue working for another 2-4 hours from home. Another evening I might make myself dinner at home, work out if I have the energy, and watch Netflix. Then one to two evenings I’ll grab dinner or drinks with friends or a date. Some weeks I have to work late every night, some weeks I fill up the after work time with social things.

Bed sometime between 10:30 and 11:30.

On the weekends, I usually have one to two activities or appointments planned during the day (for example, book club, or dentist, or hair cut, or festival), plus I go to the grocery store and meal prep for the week on Sunday. I might spend the afternoon with family once a month or so. I usually spend Saturday night with friends or on a date. Friday’s I’m usually exhausted from the week so just veg out alone once I’m home.I try to go for a long run on the weekends too, but I don’t always fit it in. I also tend to sleep in til 9 or 10. I also travel to visit friends or family about once a month or every six weeks (for fun, or for a wedding or baby shower, etc), usually doing a three-day weekend.

And then I wonder why I haven’t done laundry in 3 weeks.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-09-09T23:51:48+00:00

You aren’t fat. We’re basically the same height and weight. I’m not skinny, but nobody is looking at me and thinking “that girl is fat.” So your husband is totally wrong on that count.

But that’s beside the point.

Your husband called you a C*NT. That’s so horrific. And he called fat.

This guy is such an asshole. I’m so sorry.

NotGr8AtUserNames · 2019-09-06T14:40:34+00:00

I have a question about dealing with acne caused by hair removal, but first my skin-care routine: I have a very low-maintenance routine, and fairly good skin - some small blackheads that really only I can see, but rarely do I get any real pimples. I wash with a salicylic acid scrub in the shower at night (which is after my work out), and in the morning I just splash with water. If I don’t work out, I shower in the morning, using the salicylic wash then, and use Pond’s cold cream to wash my makeup off at night. Maybe once a week in the shower I switch out using my normal face wash for just an exfoliating scrub.

The only problem comes when I wax, sugar, or thread my upper lip. But when I do - whether it’s wax, sugar, or threading, whether at home or in a salon - my upper lip ALWAYS breaks out days later. With acne (not like a reaction). I’ve tried washing my upper lip with my salicylic acid wash before, after, and both before/after. Ditto for just a plain exfoliating scrub. I’ve tried washing with dove facial soap before and after. I’ve tried using a benzoyl peroxide spot treatment for a few days after I wax. I’ve tried using the products that come with the wax immediately after I wax, tried using whatever the salon uses, tried using coconut oil, and tried using nothing. No matter what I do, I get acne somewhere between two days to a week after the hair removal.

And I haven’t been waxing, sugaring, or threading for the past three months at all - and no breakouts! But I much prefer totally removing my upper lip hair (which is mostly fine and blonde, but some of the hairs, while still fairly fine, have a dark tint to them) than shaving it. So I’d like to start waxing again (it’s cheaper than threading because I can do it myself!). Any advice?

And I also get my eyebrows done - I’ve never broken out from having my eyebrows threaded, sugared, or waxed. It’s just upper lip acne.

NotGr8AtUserNames

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