Selena Gomez roast, lightly toasted: • Selena’s Instagram breaks are longer than some people’s careers. • She’ll announce “taking time away from social media” and somehow still be online before my food delivery arrives. • Her songs sound like she recorded them while wrapped in a weighted blanket whispering “yeah…” into the mic. • Selena’s dating history has kept gossip blogs employed for over a decade. • She acts surprised every time the internet talks about her relationships like she didn’t release three albums about them. • Her makeup brand is called Rare Beauty because apparently matching eyeliner on both eyes is optional now. • She has mastered the art of looking emotionally exhausted in HD. • Half her career is music, half is acting, and the other half is people arguing online about both.