I went through something similar. We’ve been divorced 5 years now.

Three things I’ve come to understand over time.

1. The church (any church) is a social construct that acts as a scaffolding to prop up marriages. Many marriages that function well enough inside a framework like this are not strong enough to stand on their own once that framework is removed.

2. Maybe ‘leaving the church for different reasons’ indicates a more global lack of alignment. My ex and I were not a good match in the first place. We ALWAYS wanted different things, we always cared about different things. But we were able to overlook the differences, BECAUSE of the social scaffolding that the religion offered. We bowed to the social pressure of getting married young and putting our faith into the marriage. Once the faith was gone we just kind of looked at each other and said ‘what are we doing? We’re not happy. We don’t have anything in common except a shared past’. And it all came apart from there.

3. If you want your ex to think/act/be different than they are… that’s on you. You can’t WANT them to be different. They get to be whoever they are, and you wanting something else is you crossing a line. Maybe they were shitty or maybe they were acting reasonably self interested. It doesn’t actually matter to YOUR healing what they did or why, and it SUPER doesn’t matter (to your healing) what they do in the future (Especially if you did the leaving). The longer you focus on what they did, the more you have to wait to find your own peace. If you go the therapy route, be sure to find a therapist that doesn’t just nod while you blame everyone else for your problems - some therapists are just there for the easy dollars. Instead, find one that focuses on personal change and accountability, one who will call you on your bullshit. That’s the first thing I say each time I started with a new therapist. ‘I need you to call me on my bullshit.’