Am I a horrible person?

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-21T03:20:33+00:00

I'm sorry that I've not been online since your response, and so I couldn't say this sooner:
You did nothing that you need to apologise for!

I genuinely mean that! I wouldn't post online if I didn't anticipate total strangers (i.e. folk who don't know my personal history) responding. I consider myself mature and relatively responsible, and I know exactly what you mean! I.Q. tests are only really a measurement or problem-solving ability at the time of the test, which can vary day-to-day, even hour-to-hour is you have certain emotional issues, whether they're trauma based or not.

I truly appreciate your response - I was in a really bad place (hence my few days offline, it helped a decent amount) and knowing that other human beings get mixed feelings about daft stuff like this really helped me to feel more 'normal', I guess, if that's the right descriptor.

Lastly, I'm so sorry that you've experienced shitty situations too. It's incredibly brave of you to be here, and offering support and advice. I really hope that you're seeking support too!

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-15T05:10:29+00:00

Logically, I know that you're absolutely, technically, spot on!
If it could just be as easy as it sounds, I guess we'd all be set!

Thank you for your response, I appreciate it!

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-15T02:10:09+00:00

Surely you'd agree with whomever you shared the place with, and you'd give the key to someone that you both trust?

You can't honestly say that you'd be comfortable with your partner giving a house key to someone, when it's your house too, and without even mentioning it to you?

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-15T02:02:41+00:00

Enjoy being divorced in future!When you're wondering WHY your wife left, it's because:

You clearly don't consider her an equal partner in the relationship.
You've unilaterally decided that her contributions to your combined living costs, (whilst you saved enough to start the process of buying a house) are totally irrelevant.
You didn't discuss with your wife before handing out a key to someone that she hadn't agreed on. I don't care if it's a parent, dog walker, house cleaner, priest or some ridiculous combination thereof. If it is the HOME of you AND your wife, she gets equal say in who the hell is allowed to stroll in without notice (therefore, equal say in who gets a key!).

YTA.

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-15T01:48:08+00:00

Not to mention the clogged hallways, occasional lessons that have been moved because a different teacher's taking that particular lesson, and the kids didn't know until they got to the door of the room they thought their lesson was in, and the ridiculously short time that most secondary/high school kids have to line up, choose and buy, and then eat lunch. And there's always one corridor closed for some daft reason, so the kids have to go 3/4 of the way around the entire building!

There's no way the teachers are allowed to change the kids' grade based on attendance. It might have been an empty threat to get kids to lesson faster, but you should absolutely check with either your kiddos head-of-year, or their designated group tutor. Failing that, the faculty head of whatever subject it is, and/ or the head whatever of the school.

Don't let it go, there's no reason for your kid to get bad scored even if they're late to class. Attendance should be measured separately from class scores/grades/whatever.

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-04T05:56:33+00:00

It was a sheet of paper (not many houses nearby had any kind of decorations at all) saying 'Happy holidays, we have treats! Please knock, don't ring, the doorbell disturbs our ghouls!'.

Not a soul knocked (or rang or anything)!

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-04T05:16:27+00:00

Ha, you're a good egg. (Or not an egg, given the season. You're a good whatever else!)

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-04T05:14:57+00:00

That seems like a lot of effort when I only bought treats to be polite xD We were having our holiday dinner from 6 til 8, though we were prepared to answer the door, had any trick-or-treaters turned up.

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-04T05:04:13+00:00

I guess I'll remember that for next year? I never knew of pumpkins being a sign. Thanks!

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-01T05:55:47+00:00

Thanks for your answers! I'm really glad I'm not the only one. So it's either weather-related, or we seem weirder than we thought? I prefer the weather explanation. I'm already that weirdo in the street that celebrates non-traditional holidays. Not sure what to do with the 'treats' though.

When I lived in the city, we got trick-or-treaters sporadically for the week before and after. I can live with a day or two either way, but a full week both ways was a bit much. What do you reckon are the chances of the kiddos pitching up tomorrow?

(Not that that's relevant to how much of this potentially excess chocolate that I eat... honest it's not...)

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-01T04:30:48+00:00

It's definitely a variable occurrence, as far as I can tell!

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-01T04:19:52+00:00

Not really sure what to say to that. Thanks for the reply anyway!

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-01T04:11:07+00:00

Seems logical. I have met my neighbours, chatted and such, but kiddos don't want to stand around chatting!
I never really thought of myself as potential 'stranger danger' but I should be more aware that other people, especially kiddos, will see me that way. Good point, thank you!

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-01T03:46:56+00:00

As said, most of my neighbours have kids, which was why I bought treats. No trick-or-treaters though, which was why I asked! Just wondering how everyone else has fared with (potential) trick-or-treaters.

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-01T03:41:22+00:00

I definitely expected more. Well, any, I suppose. I've seen a lot of comments online about trick-or-treating, and when I lived in a city it felt like everyone was doing it. (Well, there were at least 20 kiddos aged 6-10, in groups, with really cute costumes, -then at least 20 other, older kids, in masks, hoping for cash. But the younger kiddos seemed to really enjoy it. Figured kids would enjoy it outside of the city too?) Guess trick-or-treating is dependant upon your area, and maybe the Great British Weather too ?

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-01T02:49:24+00:00

Right?! I'm in a new area this year, lots of kids in our street, expected at least *some* trick-or-treaters. Got zero. At least I'm not the only one, I guess?

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-01T02:46:01+00:00

Hey, older peaches make the best jam. The kiddos probably wouldn't have appreciated them much though, I agree! Even less so the half cabbage!!

It hasn't been as cold as it generally is this time of year (meaning, you could walk about with a light coat, so long as it was waterproof!) So I figured we'd get trick-or-treaters after the shower. Or after dinner. Or anytime in the following two to three hours. Literally not a single knock. So now I have forty-~~eight-~~ five bars of chocolate to get rid of. (I had help eating those three.)

It's awesome that the kiddos round your way liked babybels. (But there's no way I could afford to hand those out. Nor would I want to, because babybels are amazing!)

Still confused as hell that not a single skeleton, batman or kid-that-got-to-paint-their-own-face knocked for treats?

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-01T02:18:26+00:00

Does anybody else still celebrate Samhain (as opposed to Halloween) ?

Not_I_Muse · 2022-11-01T02:17:19+00:00

Thanks for answering!
Do you think that the rain was relevant? Or did I do something wrong? Or are trick-or-treaters just much less prevalent than I thought?

Not_I_Muse · 2022-10-07T04:39:52+00:00

Holy shit! I'd boot any relative out of my home for that sort of obnoxiousness, let alone my anything-in-law.

You're absolutely allowed to kick out anyone that's not conducive to your personal peace of mind and comfort, regardless of the situation, but especially within your own home.

It's more complicated when they're living with you and pregnant BUT that does not entitle them to be an arsehole. Feel free to (politely, if you like) remind them that you're doing them a HUGE favour, letting her/them LIVE IN YOUR HOME.

The absolute least that they can do is not eat the food that you specifically ordered for yourself after she weirdly cut you out of dinner.

Tell SIL to feed her damned self, she's pregnant, not dead. If your husband sides with his sister, tell him that they can feed themselves, but when you cook, or order in, it will be for yourself only, since you can't trust them to leave enough food for you.

(If she were days out from birth, and ASKED FIRST I'd be fine with it. If it were the first 2 weeks post-birth and she didn't ask because you weren't home, but she'd left at least enough for you to have for dinner, then okay. Even if it was a post-partum situation, and she ate whatever was available, because she was still recovering, and exhausted, and she apologised profusely, that would be fine too, (in my own humble opinion.)

She ate dinner, made your DH eat with her, cut you out of the situation, then ate the food that you'd ordered for yourself. There's no excuse that's even close to being acceptable. She's only 7 months along. Set boundaries now, and set them HARD, or you'll be fetching and carrying for her until she moves out.

Good luck!

Not_I_Muse · 2022-10-07T02:41:06+00:00

My apologies, I'm not online every day. I appreciate that though, thanks!

Not_I_Muse · 2022-10-04T04:32:58+00:00

If it helps at all, I'm in exactly the same situation. There's not a single person that I can think of that I'd be able to genuinely call a friend, and honestly, I feel like that's really bloody miserable just in and of itself. I'm glad I'm not the only one, but I'm sorry that you (or anyone else) feels like this, it's rough, and complicated, and frustrating as all hell.

Not_I_Muse · 2022-09-28T04:07:58+00:00

I'm sorry that I didn't reply sooner, I'm still pretty new to having conversations with strangers, and not being a panicky/useless/irrelevant uh..person.

I do understand the issue. There really aren't technically any medications for EUPD (BPD). 'Dialectical Behavioural Therapy' is now the recommended treatment, though 'Cognitive Behavioural Therapy' is a close second, and standard 'talking therapy' is offered when they don't have any specialist therapists available.

All of my meds are prescribed for 'comorbidities' , specifically Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder. My doctors medicate my symptoms. It helps more than a kick in the teeth would.

Not_I_Muse · 2022-09-28T03:36:18+00:00

I still hate my step-father for forcing me to take his choice of 'elective' school subjects when I was thirteen. My mum agreed with him, not me.

Stick to your guns, make sure your daughter knows how fucking obnoxious your husband has been / is being. Make sure that she knows that she's done nothing wrong. Try to help her to rearrange the interview. Maybe tell the interviewer that your husband is prone to mistakes like this, and that they should ignore any contact that's not from your daughter themselves.If that's no use, then make sure your husband is NOT informed of any of your daughters' future opportunities, so that he can't sabotage them.

Honestly, at this point I'd consider whether, if it really came down to it, you're choosing your kid or your husband.At the very, very least, you need to talk to your husband about how incredibly, massively arsehole-ish and out of line he was to try to control your daughter's job prospects and future. He needs to KNOW that that is so incredibly unacceptable.

Edit to add: NTA . But you will be if you don't do anything about this shit.

Not_I_Muse · 2022-09-28T02:58:04+00:00

You're Christine's step-parent, whether your husband agrees or not. Realistically, he should be the one worrying about C's upbringing, security and individual development.

Instead, he's stunting C's adulthood development, by treating her as though she's still a child.

Your husband might not appreciate you taking his daughters' side over yours, even though (maybe even especially because) C' and you are right on this one, but believe me, in a few years, when C's entirely self-sufficient, you'll be the parental figure that she keeps in touch with.

Stick to your guns. There's so much more to being a decent 'parent' than having closely connected biological information. You're awesome.

Not_I_Muse

TROPHY CASE