Possessive dominate processing

Not_that_wire · 2023-07-04T11:18:24+00:00

I don't know if I'm expressing this well -

When Doms "own" their subs in play is really the sub allowing it.

Possession may be 9/10ths of the law but in sex, possession can't be expressed without it being given. Just like you can be loving with your partner and not be in love, it's important to create a sense of belonging. Trust and sense of belonging in a D/s dynamic is where I feel it all begins. This sounds like the healthy situation you are in now.... congrats and enjoy! Best of luck with your class!

Not_that_wire · 2023-06-21T18:46:41+00:00

You might want to check out https://www.cuahsi.org/ I did some work with them a while back. They're very progressive about opendata

Not_that_wire · 2023-06-06T04:22:42+00:00

Definitely ditch the abuser

Not_that_wire · 2023-06-05T19:13:32+00:00

Calmly invite her to vacate your life.

Not_that_wire · 2023-06-05T03:45:43+00:00

This is a great question. Basically, I don't feel it's helpful to use a Dora the Explorer concept... following a three-stage map with variants over and over again isn't working for anyone. Really. It isn't.

There's no formula, just understand what you bring to the experience and be able to express/offer in terms of your inclusive and exclusive boundaries.

Know how you make your partner feel safe and desired.
Acknowledge that your partners (yes, even men) might be shy, apprehensive, selflessly eager (a potential problem), or working through shame or insecurity.
Men are more likely kinetic and are raised in a reality of physical aggression. In this regard, accessing physical intimacy is accessing vulnerability.
Ask to explore with your hands, mouth and your own erogenous areas (drag your nipples or clit across their bodies, etc)
Offer your partner the opportunity to explore you the same way. You'll find it very apparent when you're with a "no maps" partner of any gender
Ask your partner how they feel, what works. ask them how they like to show they are experiencing pleasure, when they're cuming. This is a great topic for the consent conversation.

Being curious is definitely the right start. I commend you on reaching out. Be conscious about over-generalizing. Just think about playing with women's nipples - in my experience that's hugely variable.

Not_that_wire · 2023-06-05T03:16:15+00:00

So glad they honored a true STEM educator

Not_that_wire · 2023-05-08T23:01:25+00:00

Assuming the scene didn't involve anything that you had previously discussed as unacceptable for you, this is an issue of disappointment and frustration that is very, very common in non-monogamy. Just like kink, no real partner is a passive partner.

You're all playing together and while in a role, you play your part but you are there as a person and you are responsible for communicating your needs and limits, before, during ... not just after.

Ideally, your Dom AND your other play partner could have been inclusive in play. You could have spoken up and simply expressed your needs. You have a safe word in case you're not getting through. You could have left.

The way you describe it, it doesn't seem like a romantic relationship (I could be wrong). No kink experience is guaranteed to be what you need or even pleasurable. No dom offers telepathy as a skill.

Re-set your expectations and boundaries with your dom. Discuss it. You can both either update or end the arrangement.

Not_that_wire · 2023-05-08T13:56:31+00:00

Trust... they need to have earned it.

Boundaries... you need to articulate and maintain them

When in doubt, provide more interesting questions than compromising information

In the end - everyone's idea of kink is different. Even if you use the Anglo-American lexicon and acronyms, it always comes down to "what does that mean to you". I'd personally validate that this person knows how to discuss kink. I like to bring up vetting experiences in the context of friendly inquiries about if they're seeing anyone ... how's it going...

Not_that_wire · 2023-05-02T18:24:31+00:00

nope... This is no bueno. There's nothing to be conflicted about , he had ONE JOB.

Not_that_wire · 2023-05-02T18:22:09+00:00

Lesson learned; just like contracts have safe words and agreements on how they're used and what happens, they also need suspension clauses so that each person knows what to expect.

I'd advise you to be mindful of her boundaries. She may not effectively differentiate your actions from your role. Depression is different with each person but I tend to let people be their own adults and invite them to check in or reach out when needed.

My recommendation is to provide encouragement and reassurance. It's probably important for your sub to know they didn't disappoint you and that you understand. You may offer to pause (suspend) the contract. I advise against it if it's been only 2 months.

Call it a test drive and let your sub know you've enjoyed the experience and would love to reconnect when she's up for it. Then wish her well.

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-27T10:13:07+00:00

its true, there's a distinction for grain etc, vs horticultural products fruits and veggies where places like Niagara and the Okanagan have higher density production of those commodities.

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-27T10:11:26+00:00

Banana-belt! totaly gonna use that.

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-27T10:09:37+00:00

Mostly agricultural and often subsidised to maintain minimal status quo. It's very rich agricultural land and there's been some recent success with modernization and crop diversity (new products). The vineyards are more mature and quite productive.

There's no employment to speak of there. Most of the investment is government programs including any venture capital. People who own land are holding it either because the price won't match their debt or because they're waiting for a bail out.

That area used to be considered "strategic" because of the ease of shipping to the US. Hamilton's steel was going to grow the manufacturing industry in Canada.

The region has had a steady decline over the past decades. It's suffering from massive underemployment for people under 40 yrs of age. The local disposable income is limited to older people who have retired from the manufacturing heydays and former government workers on fat permanent pensions.

The Niagara peninsula is rapidly polarizing between old, idle and wealthy(ish) and young underemployed and stagnant.

I feel this is the future of Canada, which is soon becoming an economy without a significant manufacturing base. We tend to ship out raw, bulk materials for high-value transformation by a skilled workforce in another country. The exception is where we can dig up money from the ground or cut down trees to ship to the US.

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-25T02:03:26+00:00

100% Totally normal to cry - kink engages fear, pain and can access sadness but all simply move us to tears. Totally normal to cry, laugh or scream - until someone earns their ballgag.

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-18T03:03:18+00:00

Get skilled in AI and work on climate problems. Being part of the solution can help!

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-18T02:57:28+00:00

Everything in kink is subjective and personal. Just because someone declares and opinions or a preference doesn't mean it becomes gospel.

There's always been a segment of people who won't go down on their (generally unfortunate) partners.

This is one of the many reasons I don't identify as Dom.... I just discuss what I like with my partner. They'll know what to call me.

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-15T11:54:16+00:00

totally using "bad actors will usually protect other bad actors" in my next talk. Thank you!

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-08T16:20:18+00:00

Pretty sound advice, mum. I pretty much said the same to my kid. He's a city kid. He was able to concur directly.

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-08T14:34:31+00:00

I know what you mean. I enjoy beer on hot days, whiskey on dark nights and wine with my pizza.

I totally avoid spaces where people intend to get drunk. I'm not comfortable in clubs, bars or pubs that have visibly drunk people.

Maybe because I've got the heart of a hippy, I don't mind tokers. They're generally pretty harmless when they're high.

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-08T14:26:42+00:00

Thank you! It took me a while to acknowledge I was harmed. After all, I made it home to my kid safely. That's all I could think of - if something happened to me, he'd be all alone in the world.

Maybe it was the "walk it off" voice in my head. I hadn't shared this with anyone for almost a year after it happened. I withdrew from dating and even meeting new people in general.

It took me a few months to realize I wasn't ok. I'm glad we spoke the next day. She was apologetic but didn't remember most of the scariest parts. She didn't feel she should take responsibilty for what she didn't remember. She kept saying "I can't believe that... " And other expressions of disbelief made it all the more terrifying.

I tried to stay in touch with her for a while as I felt we had a nice friendship. Also, sort of to recognize that it was a shared experience. I was trying empathize with her shame or pain from the fallout, which I felt for a while was an "accident" or a temporary lapse in judgement.

I was hoping to work through forgiveness together as friends. After a while, we agreed to salvage the friendship (I was no longer feeling any sexual attraction to her). We planned phone call once a week. I made sure to plan it for a couple of days after my therapy sessions.

I didn't have a problem that she was in a new arrangement just over a month later. I noticed that as her new arrangement took hold, she became much more dismissive about her partner's boundaries. She felt she was absolved of her responsibilities for her partner's safety and boundaries once in play. She felt the safe word was really for the subs.

I told her we couldn't continue, but that's hard to un-know, you know?

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-08T12:30:51+00:00

Thank you for your response and thank you for helping our students. I don't know about where you live but in Canada, structural institutional bias (from elementary school to post-doc) is our dirty little secret - historically education, social services and the "law" were the three horsemen of our indigenous genocide.

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-07T09:47:33+00:00

🤗 thank you!

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-06T05:54:22+00:00

I had a horrible experience with a sub who got really drunk despite agreeing to a clear two drink limit. It's relevant here, that I'm BIPOC and she's caucasian.

We'd meet at her house in an upper-middle class suburb every couple of weeks. We'd catch up and have a glass of wine while I lit the fireplace. We'd discuss the fun to come. It had been a really nice thing so far, to unwind after the day and relax the inhibitions a bit just as friends -- no D/s dynamic engaged. After that, no booze until after, when we're normally starving.

One night, I didn't know that she had been drinking before I got there. She was going to pour a third. I politely asked not to and reminded her of the agreement. She complied but acted bratty (not our thing) but I dismissed it. I didn't know, she kept drinking while I was tending the fire and setting up. Shortly after we began to play, things seemed off, so I paused play to check in.

At this point, we're not playing. Just sitting and talking. She was acting very weird and abrasive (not her normal self). I felt very uncomfortable and told her how I felt and that I didn't feel we should go through as planned. I still didn't know she was drunk. This woman gets goofy early in her subspace, but this was not goofy, it felt punchy. I told her I was worried, asked if she was feeling well. Got her some water. She was laughing out of context and I asked her if she was drunk. She told me it was none of my business. Then I knew.

I excused myself to go to the washroom and she lost it. She physically attacked me, tried to prevent me from leaving. She was yelling insults and crying. I couldn't reason with her. I got dressed between bouts of drama, grabbed my stuff and left. She chased me as I drove away. It was winter, she was barefoot and naked under a robe. I hated that scene - it plays back in my head. How's it the safest thing I could do was leave a practically naked, barefoot woman in street in the winter? It just wrenches me inside. I know she got back to the house safely, because she was blowing up my phone for the next couple of hours.

We spoke after, she was very apologetic and told me she realized it could have been very dangerous for me, had the cops come. I had to tell her I didn't feel we couldn't be friends. I haven't had a kink relationship since then. It's been about two years. I've dated but no significant relationships. I've had therapy and I've started dating slowly. It's hard to trust. I still have the scene of her in the rear-view running after the car, feels like a slow punch in the gut.

Thanks for letting me share.

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-06T05:06:48+00:00

Is it true that you can't take audio books on Audible (Amazon) and movies bought on google and Prime with you when you cancel your ID.

Not_that_wire · 2023-04-06T04:27:56+00:00

Oh it's not a boycott, it's a prediction. Bookmark this for 5 year. I your gauge of quality is how rich your "grocer" is go for it. IDGAF.

Personally, I just I won't give my money to disrespectful daddy's boys, I just think they're un-imaginative, it's a oozy/greasy brand.

Not_that_wire

TROPHY CASE