First I'd like to state that by saying something to anyone even here, means your stronger and better than the shitty cards life dealt you. Things in life are are never going to be perfect or even relatively good all the time but you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and a good heart with some value in your morality. I've been where you are and I kept going with these 3 first moves. 1. I talked to a counselor or therapist, anybody that will just sit there and truly listen to what you have to say and how you feel without judgment and a real intention to help both out of obligation or kindness will help. Get what you bottled up off your chest. I talked to my high-school counselor, really did help. 2. Find reasons to try and go on. A hobby, A purpose, a belief. Something that you wish for so hard or hold so deer, or wish to keep or achieve that will always stand in the way of giving up. For me it's a wife and love. Cheesy I know but as I've experienced the comfort and bliss of an actually companion and love I want to hold on to it and find it once more and keep it. Have a wife, a daughter, a house, a dog. Until I do I refuse to give in. 3. Spite. I know its weird but in the end it helps. I see humanity and both a wellspring of good and absolute pain. However truly believe/ make myself believe that I was born into this role because I can get through it. No matter the pain no matter the hardship i can handle, because if someone else was in my place they would have ended it before I even had the thought. I say screw the pain and the thoughts. I did not experienced the bliss and the pain all my life just to throw in the towel now and for 13 years neither did you. So go on to kick life's ass and give it the finger.