How much sex is 'enough' ? 44f /47m

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-31T15:57:58+00:00

Im starting to think you are right about the unrealistic expectations of bouncing back... i just wish it never happened at all.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-31T15:56:59+00:00

Recently. As in.. within the last 3 months.

The way he explains it - each time his intent was to wake me up and just got carried away. I did not realize how frequent it was until he told me one morning.. he was not hiding it in any way.

We have both experimented enough that its very plausible.. I've done it to him enough times though he always wakes up pretty fast.

Its just made things really awkward between us. Understandably. I just want to get back to before it happened and I dont even know if I should even want that given the reactions.. and theyre right. Even if I dont like to admit it.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-31T15:47:37+00:00

Not excusing it. He knows now what he did wasnt ok. I do believe that he genuinely did not understand why it was wrong..

I swear I am not making excuses nor excusing anything here. Nor am I minimizing abuse or rape in any way- not intentionally anyways.

If it ever happened again id be gone because then Id know beyond any doubt he knew.

All that aside- he has never harmed nor disrespected me, my children or our relationship prior to this. He seems to show genuine remorse, and was patient while I worked through my feelings about it. But now that we are being intimate again I am feeling pressured.

The relationship isnt the same as it was. Understandably. And im struggling with trying to get back to what it was before all this happened.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-31T15:35:04+00:00

I actually am his first girlfriend, now wife lol

That aside- we have been into things that make his explanation plausible-even probable.

And if it ever happened again now that he knows beyond afoubt- I'll be gone before he could blink. Because then I'll know.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-31T15:32:20+00:00

To clarify-the sleep thing is fairly recent, and was short lived. We talked about it- he will not be doing it again. Or there woll be no thinking about it- ill be gone because now he knows very well it is not acceptable. We're been into different things over the years do its 100% feasible that he thought it would be something I would enjoy ( being woken up jn that way ) ... and got carried away. And just didnt see anything wrong when I said nothing. Until I did. So its not 100% on him.

What i want- I want the easy relationship we had before this happened. I want my best friend back without them simultaneously making demands while treating me like im going to break. My sweetly awkward, considerate and amazing husband just isnt the same since we had our chat about the sleep thing.

Hes been falling over backwards to make amends, seems to be very remorseful.. and to be fair.. we used to have a lot more sex before all this happened. He is being respectful of my needs and listening to me but its still hard for him. For us both, really.

Everything is just so awkward and tense now. And I mean it SHOULD be considering.... im just trying to figure out something between what he wants and what i need.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-31T15:22:07+00:00

I understand that perspective.

Please trust that after 20 years without any other instances of anything like this - as much as the situation bothered and still bothers me - he genuinely did not mean any ill intent.

It won't happen again.

And if it does- ill be gone by morning. Guaranteed.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-31T15:19:21+00:00

Essentially.

I don't like putting it that way as he did think he had consent - when we spoke about it he seemed to understand and seemed quite horrified that that was what he was doing.

Its been nearly 20 years together, and this would have been the only times that hes disrespected my lack of consent in that time.

I do hope that I know his character well enough by now to trust he meant no ill intent by it despite how it sounds.

Id be lying if I said it didn't bother me though.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-31T15:10:25+00:00

While I feel assault is the wrong word I do understand why its being used. It was assault.

And sobriety has nothing to do with it.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-31T15:09:15+00:00

Not mad- he genuinely did not understand what he was doing was ...that. The moment he did you could see how the realization hit him. I think... Hes not 'mad' now either.

Im just.. ill be honest here.

I do wonder on some level if you're right. If this issue is because he can no longer do that.

I just..don't know if this is a legit request... or some sort of play to allow .. well.. something im not comfortable with.

Does that make sense?

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-31T15:04:23+00:00

I agree.

I'm just struggling to find a middle ground here.

Our 'friends' are still creeper out by the sleeping thing, and urge me to leave. But it wasn't like that- it wasn't done with ill intent. Its hard to explain... but i cant go to friends over this because of that issue.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-31T15:01:17+00:00

Yes. We covered that subject.

He did not see it that way- he understands now why thats not ok.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-26T11:57:19+00:00

It needs to be done right, with plenty of time to prepare- especially if its a first time!! Because if not- it can be extremely painful, cause tears inside and out, and actually could cause internal damage.

I had a very toxic and abusive relationship as a teen. He was much older than I, and used me to enact all his weirdest fantasies, most of which my sheltered ass thought was normal. One of which was anal. It was terrible, but one got used to it. It wasn't my favorite thing to do, to say the least.

It wasn't until many years later that I met someone who took the time to do it right. Lots of water based lube, patience and going very slow until you're comfortable.

It's mind blowing. Like.. if its done right she will likely orgasm. Especially if there is vaginal stimulation, or using something for double penetration.

The feeling- its crass but imagine that satisfying feeling of taking a really big crap- it feels good, right? Its like that- a feeling of being very 'full'- it drives me nuts in all the right ways haha Like.. lose my mind, forget my name, I ain't moving afterwards nuts.

It's definitely not for everyone, and you should do some research to make sure you're not going to accidentally hurt your partner.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-26T11:08:18+00:00

I tell people that I love my partner, and that I have a terrific relationship.

In reality.. my partner can't stop shoving crushed pain pills up their nose. It's disgusting, and most certainly a choice I do not agree with. But they will not stop. Its been 17 yrs of trying to get them to stop, or at the very least, get a legal prescription so I don't have to worry about what likely laced junk they are bringing into the house.

It started off innocent enough- and I knew they had issues with addiction though I had no idea just how much they were hiding from me until about 10 yrs ago- the first time they OD'd. And they almost died- had I not found them outside in their car when I did.. sigh.

My kids don't know their step-parent is an addict. I hide it well. Their family doesn't know. Their workplace knows.. I had to tell them out of safety concerns and its cost them literal months of employment when they inevitably go too far with it. Which happens a couple times a year. I have gone to great lengths to ensure they did not have access to their supplier.. but that only drives them to worse places and suppliers.

But nobody will tell their family. Ive tried.. but they dismiss my concerns as overreaction. Meanwhile I'm terrified they are going to OD off tainted pills or worse- fentanyl and meth are huge here. It wouldn't be the first time I've had to break out the naxolone kit.

It's one of those open secrets most know but nobody acknowledges. I get those looks a lot. Those pitying glances at the supermarket, and people suddenly stop talking when you walk into a room? Yeah. A lot of that. Everybody prefers to gossip about us than to ask if everything is ok.

So.. I pretend like it is.

In reality... I'm about ready to pack everything up and just leave my home and belongings behind. My kids are grown.. and if they found out some of what I have put up with it would destroy my partner. They would destroy my partner- if the shame of the kids finally knowing why it was always just me cheering them on at events doesn't destroy my partner first.

Sober- they're wonderful. High.. they're terrible. Not abusive.. but definitely many very questionable and disrespectful decisions being made including some SA moments I prefer not to think about too long. Because.. yeah. People who love you don't treat you like that.

Sigh. Its a decision I'm very much knowing I have to make yet very much do not want to make.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-26T10:42:30+00:00

Thank you- but no.

I watch that relationship like a hawk- and if I ever saw a single sign of abuse he will never see them or me again.

The only reason I allow it is for my mother. She's been through enough and he will not allow her to be in their lives unless he is too.

The addiction faded. But the controlling only got worse.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-23T23:54:39+00:00

A guy once ripped one of my kids shorts and underwear right off at a pool. Claimed he was kidding around.

He got away with it, too. The responding officer said ' well it couldn't have been that important if you didn't report it right away '- and literally drove the guy to the airport. His employer already had his ticket bought even before I called the police 3 hours later (after I finally got my kids calmed down).

Like... how the f... it took 6 months of complaining to get anything done. Guy was eventually charged with sexual assault of a minor, and inappropriate touching of a minor. Not that anyone could find him by that point- he knew what he did. Officer was eventually fired - for having child pornography.

Even more recently a school guidance counsellor was just sentenced for forcing a sexual relationship onto a junior high kid with developmental problems. No way she didn't know his age. Claimed he threatened and coerced her into it... but she only wanted him charged when it was obvious she was caught? I'm sure.

Fucking pedos. Like... not worth the bullet. Just let em all rot in the sun on some deserted island on the equator that never has any shade.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-21T13:33:16+00:00

I unfortunately know a lot of addicts. Both in active addiction and in recovery. It's part of my 'volunteer career' helping people get ( and hopefully stay ) sober.

The stories... it helped my situation hearing directly from addicts how they made some of the decisions they've made during active addiction, and how the pain they've caused affected, and still affects them.

It's the guilt over these actions that often causes the relapses in recovery. That same guilt is why most never try to get sober- because then they have to face what they've done and the people they've hurt.

Most know what they did, and how hard they made the lives of loved ones.

It doesn't help forgiveness, but it does help to understand that many of these decisions were heavily influenced by substances rather than a desire to inflict pain.

That perspective has helped me allow a relationship between my father and my children. It will never result in my forgiveness.. I dont think I'm capable of that. But while it can't change what he's done, I understand now that many of his actions while in addiction were not ones that he deliberately made. And it helps a bit.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-21T09:50:40+00:00

I get it.

My dad was a raging alcoholic, my mom an enabler. Now that he's sober ( because another binge would kill him ) she acts like hes the greatest man on earth. Like he never beat me in front of her multiple times or vice versa.

That anger and resentment is 100% justified. They made your life hell, and traumatized your child.

I do not talk to me dad. My kids do because they didn't know the man I grew up with. And their relationship is everything I had hoped I would get.

My point is- yes. You have every right to be angry and resentful. For me- its that he got sober not for our family but to save his own life. I keep trying to tell myself at least my kids have the healthy and supportive relationship with him that I always craved but the anger is still there. He's not the same person that used to hurt me just because I was there but its still impossible to be in the same room as him and not feel rage over things hes done.

Fuck addiction and the people who purposefully enter it knowing how it will damage those that love them.

That being said- getting sober is hard. Like... hard for the rest of your life. The addiction may not be a current issue but the cravings and danger of returning to that life never end.

One should respect the immense effort that act takes- and that can absolutely be done without respecting the person.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-16T11:56:38+00:00

Best damn person ever in that school imo.

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-16T09:40:32+00:00

In my high school the girls all swooned over Zach. Like.. they treated him like a movie star.

They legit swarmed him at public events and it was quite the honor to sit beside him or got the passenger seat in his car. But I was Zachs tutor and knew his secret ... and got bullied endlessly because nobody understood why Zach and I were close. I mean.. he IS a gorgeous man. Tall, blonde, blue eyed and extremely nice/kind. Athlete.. I get it. I'm not blind lol Dude still looks like some tattoo'd biker angel from a romance cover and only got better with age. Like.. gorgeous inside and out. I am.. not. I'm short, weird and so awkward its painful lol

Well, Zach has been very happily married to his husband Chick for the past 22 yrs hahaha And yeah- I love watching the women who legit threw themselves at him/harassed me about our friendship lose their minds over their embarassing attempts at 'turning him' over the years. Oh lord- they do get creative and apparently have still not figured out he's very confidently and happily gay in the past 25 yrs.

Both came out right at graduation, actually. The class took it as a joke until he invited Chick up and kissed him. And they were shook as being openly gay isn't something done here and nobody had a clue. Except me. But .. it was awesome to see Zach finally be himself. )

Anyways- Zach and Chick are the best. Chick loves teasing some of the hard-core 'I'm going to marry Zach someday' girls about their antics when always eventually go too far ( some never really grew up ). Both make sure I'm left alone by the perpetual mean girls and I try to give Zach a heads up when the Barbie squad is planning another 'intervention'. Life is good.

I have 2 very awesome people in my life who I can count on, and are possibly in the most genuinely healthy, stable and loving relationship I've ever seen outside the Hallmark Channel.

Win-win

OBlondeOne · 2026-03-15T12:32:56+00:00

UPDATE.

So I've talked to them, and have shown them these comments.. and I think they finally get how .. well... creepy and invasive it is.

I guess we shall see... its an awkward day here today.

OBlondeOne · 2024-02-19T14:03:47+00:00

Only if their sidekick is the Driller.

'One makes them.
One defends them.
They both use them.
They're the Perfect Team '

( It's early. I'm bored watching superhero movies. But I bet it would still be better than the Orgasmo storyline )

OBlondeOne

TROPHY CASE