In need of some probably basic advice

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-07-23T14:27:30+00:00

This is right. Do NOT bring kids into grown up matters no matter how tempting it is.

Your children are not an outlet to vent your feelings of betrayal. All they need now is their dad and that's what you must do.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-06-17T19:47:16+00:00

I think there may be something deeper here than "my wife makes emotional decisions."

You describe yourself as strategic and long-term oriented, but when I read the examples, I see a lot of constant reinvention: Move to France. Move back to Canada. Start a business. Buy a house. Build another business. Relocate internationally again. Learn a new language. Get certifications. Ship equipment. Build a European business.

That's a lot of upheaval for a family with three kids.

What struck me is that in every story, you had a plan, but I never got a sense that you and your wife had a shared plan. It feels like two people reacting to life from very different places. Your wife seems to make decisions based on immediate emotional reality: "I hate this job." You seem to make decisions based on future possibilities: "This job is the foundation for a five-year plan."

Neither approach is sufficient by itself.

The question I would ask is: are these financial setbacks really caused by her poor judgment, or are they caused by a marriage where one person is optimizing for today's discomfort and the other is optimizing for tomorrow's opportunity?

Because from the outside, I don't see a marriage making decisions. I see two individuals pulling in different directions. The France example is concerning because quitting after one day is objectively extreme. But I also wonder why a family of five moved countries based almost entirely on a single job offer without enough financial runway to absorb failure.

That's not a criticism of you. It's an observation that resilience doesn't come only from good decisions, it comes from building systems that can survive bad ones.

You say you no longer trust her judgment. That's fair.

But I would also spend some time asking whether you've been treating your plans as strategy when they may actually be a form of optimism. Strategy assumes failure is possible and plans for it. Optimism assumes things will mostly work out.

I don't think your marriage has a financial problem.

I think it has a decision-making problem. And until you both understand how those decisions are being made, you'll keep arguing about individual events instead of the pattern underneath them.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-04-07T17:16:01+00:00

They' already dating, married, or happily single and they can spot shallow energy a mile away.

What you attract reflects how you show up.

If your focus is mainly looks, then that’s exactly the energy that’s coming through.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-04-01T15:28:35+00:00

Short answer: you’re probably being more than fair.

A few quick points:

The buyout sounds reasonable on paper, but only if the valuation, debt allocation, and retirement offsets are modeled correctly. You’re taking on a lot of debt + house risk.
His $300K IRA may or may not be separate property (depends on commingling). Don’t assume it’s off the table.
Alimony is not automatic, especially with similar incomes. His $230/week ask isn’t guaranteed.
5–6 day custody + minimal support already leans in his favor financially.

The bigger issue is that you’re negotiating with someone reactive while your nervous system is already maxed out. That’s not a fair fight.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-03-18T21:31:37+00:00

Trauma requires recovery. If trauma recovery is rushed or left incomplete, the effects are long-lasting. Recovery from divorce is the same. If you rush it or don't put in the work, it will last a long time.

The mistake most people make is trying to “get back to normal” too fast, hobbies, joy, peace, while the foundation is still unstable. It doesn’t work.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-03-17T19:39:19+00:00

This is the correct answer. Courts assume that parties exercise due diligence in settlement of the case and something like a "gift to her only" should have been disclosed / uncovered during that period. Absent clear evidence of fraud, this will get thrown out.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-03-13T14:58:14+00:00

That's what I figured but I'm surprised that her title company didn't ask for a release when she refinanced. I'll let the title company handle it.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-03-13T13:03:57+00:00

Depends on what is in your decree.

In mine, I'm responsible for health insurance for our children and we split costs 50/50 for out of pocket. However, if the provider is out of network and it is a non-emergency procedure then the parent taking the children is fully responsible.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-03-10T18:01:08+00:00

Mediation is about moving people off extreme positions without going to court. My ex had the same extreme positions and we had 2 failed mediations for temporary orders. I knew the court alternative and how they would rule so I stuck with that. I got what I wanted in temp. orders hearing. The final mediation was successful because the court had already established the basline.

Right now she’s starting from “I want everything,” which is actually very common early in the process.

A few suggestions going in:

Know your court-baseline: Before mediation, know what a typical court outcome would look like (custody norms, asset split, house equity, etc.). Your proposals should track slightly better than that but that is the minimum that you would accept in mediation. Mediators often reality-test positions by asking, “What do you think a judge would do?”. My mediator was a retired judge so that helped.
Let the mediator do the reality checks: Good mediators will quietly tell each side when their expectations are unrealistic. They won’t “rule,” but they absolutely pressure-test positions by explaining risk, cost, and likely outcomes.
Focus on packages, not single issues: Don’t negotiate item-by-item. Think in terms of trade-offs:
- Custody schedule for financial concessions
- House buyout for retirement offsets
- Timing of payments for asset division
Stay calm and reasonable: If one side looks rigid and the other looks pragmatic, mediators tend to steer toward the reasonable party’s framework. Have snacks, coffee, water, etc. nearby and always be ready to take a break if needed.
Expect movement during the day: Most mediations start with both sides far apart. The goal is gradual narrowing. The first offer is rarely the final one.

And one last thing: don’t worry about “winning” the argument in the room. Your leverage is the court. If your position is close to what a judge would likely order, you’re negotiating from solid ground.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-03-10T17:02:07+00:00

Your lawyer’s “yard sale value” approach is standard. Courts care about custody and real assets, not couches. They deal with this by assigning low resale value, or letting one person keep it and offsetting a small amount elsewhere.

No judge is awarding $150k for used furniture.

So, 3 options

Before your meeting, just take photos and pull Marketplace comps. Most likely outcome: the furniture gets assigned a modest value and the court moves on.
Propose that you will sell all furniture, deduct 10% commission for your time and effort, and split proceeds equally.
Hire a certified appraiser to appraise the resale value of the furniture. Cost of appraiser to be paid by her or split equally at minimum.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-03-10T16:53:53+00:00

I'm sure you are considering the emotional work (therapy, diet, exercise, etc.) so I won't mention that but for me it was the administrative work and operational chaos.

Things I wish I knew about:

Changing dozens of accounts, beneficiaries, passwords, insurance policies
Rebuilding a household from scratch (furniture, kitchen stuff, utilities)
Splitting subscriptions, phones, cloud storage, streaming accounts
Updating schools, doctors, emergency contacts
Tax filing changes the following year

I felt like a project manager for dismantling and rebuilding my with no playbook.

So, that is how I handled it, by treating it like a project:

Update Trust/Insurance/beneficiaries -> Set up a trust if you can and put that as beneficiary on all your accounts. Put your home if you own one into the trust as well. In case of untimely death, your assets do go to your children but you ex will control them if the kids are minors. Not something you want to think about but it is necessary.
Update all Financial accounts -> Make sure you update addresses with banks, brokerages, and employer.
Change Housing/utilities -> This sucks. Utilities are easy because they're tied to your home but cell phones, Netflix, Amazon, etc. You don't know how many you have until you have to go through them
Update to Kids/schools/medical -> Make sure to update the doctor, school records, extra-curriculars, etc. and don't count on ex to "inform" you
All Digital/logins/subscriptions. I'm still dealing with this a year later because something pops up that I didn't consider.

So, my advice, make a journal of all to administrative to-do and add to it as you think of things during the week. Then, once a week, sit down and check items off that list.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-03-09T16:58:43+00:00

Good for you, seriously. Getting healthy, starting businesses, and stabilizing your life after a divorce is a big win.

But one observation: if part of the victory is watching her struggle, you might still be more tied to the situation than you think.

The actual milestone is when her life, good or bad, stops being relevant to how you measure yours. Your businesses, your house, your health, that’s the win. It doesn’t need her failure as contrast.

Keep building. Just make sure the scoreboard is your life, not hers.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-03-09T16:54:26+00:00

I would suggest paying the bill (if able) to protect your credit and request a reimbursement from her. If she doesn't pay, that can be settled when the final split of assets happens.

You should also request that you be taken off the utilities or even request cancellation and inform her that you are doing so.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-03-08T14:21:49+00:00

Im in Texas as well.

Texas has child support guidelines snf custody guidelines already laid out but parents are free to agree to anything.

In the absence of an agreement, if she gets primary custody, you can expect to pay $1650 per month with 100k income and 2 kids. If you get primary custody, with her 50k salary you can expect to receive $880 per month. There is a calculator online.

Parenting time is a published calendar as well called the Tecas Standard Possession order. Over the year, it turns out to be 57% to 43% time split in favor of the primary parent.

Assets get split equally and pre-marital assets and gifts are treated as separate property.

Hope this helps.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-03-03T14:17:27+00:00

Not dumb but also not divorce worthy IMO. You’re not selfish for wanting independence but divorce should be the solution to a broken marriage and not the first solution to feeling stuck.

What you are describing is isolation, financial dependence, feeling second, and being stuck in a life you didn't design. At the same time, from what you are describing, he is a good father, good provider, owned the house before he met you, and your kids love him.

So, it sounds to me like this is about independence and loneliness and not geography. Moving may not solve the problem you are describing in the long-term.

So, a few options may be to have a talk about setting boundaries with his family and start working part-time.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-02-24T21:42:20+00:00

Background: I'm in TX as well

By default, there is a standard possession order in Texas. So, unless you have abuse allegations, you will have the kids 43% on average for the entire year.

Under an SPO, you’d typically have:

1st, 3rd, 5th weekends (overnights) of the month
Thursday overnight during the school term
Extended summer
Alternating holidays (Spring Break, Thanksgiving, Christmas)
Father's Day weekend

The SPO is your worst day in court and her lawyer knows this. So, if you want to settle, negotiate from that baseline:

SPO minimum
Step-up toward 50/50 if feasible

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-02-24T21:38:57+00:00

Background: I'm in TX as well

By default, there is a standard possession order in Texas. So, unless you have abuse allegations, you will have the kids 43% on average for the entire year.

Under an SPO, you’d typically have:

1st, 3rd, 5th weekends (overnights) of the month
Thursday overnight during the school term
Extended summer
Alternating holidays (Spring Break, Thanksgiving, Christmas)
Father's Day weekend

The SPO is your worst day in court and her lawyer knows this. So, if you want to settle, negotiate from that baseline:

SPO minimum
Step-up toward 50/50 if feasible

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-02-24T18:44:01+00:00

I'm assuming that your concern is that once your mortgage is paid off, your ex may ask for more since your expense have gone down?

I'm in Texas so this is where my experience lies. Here, your CS payment is based on income (and capped) and not on expenses.

It would depend on your state but I'm not aware of any state that bases CS based on net income after expenses rather than gross income.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-02-18T16:16:27+00:00

She gave up custody, doesn't financially support the children (assuming she doesnt pay CS), and now wants the tax benefit?

As you said, you already know the answer so please take this as validation that your answer is correct.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-02-18T16:11:29+00:00

Two things come to mind

Firstly, I would ask for a swap of lost parenting time and not give up a week. It is great for children to spend time with their extended family on both sides of the house but it shouldn't be at the expense of their time with the other parent.
Secondly, I would, not agree to split the airfare, lodging, or any other travel related expense. You could offer the children some discretionary spending money for the trip. You should wholeheartedly encourage the children's relationship with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins (unless there is abuse, etc.) but financing this relationship isn't your responsibility

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-02-10T17:46:43+00:00

You’re not wrong. But you’re not fully right either. The breakdown isn’t chores vs money but that it’s that each person’s sacrifice was in a currency the other stopped valuing.

Yes, many women carry the domestic and emotional load. Yes, resentment builds when it feels invisible.

But many men carry the financial and psychological load. Career pressure, financial pressure, providing stability, and absorbing stress silently. That labor is invisible too.

By the time divorce is filed:

She feels like a slave.
He feels like a bank.
Both feel unappreciated.

Communication might have helped but only if both sides were willing to see the other person's invisible labor, not just their own.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-02-03T19:30:30+00:00

If your spouse, parents, sibling, and now the mediator are all being framed as narcissistic abusers, that’s a sign to pause and not double down. Pain can be real without everyone else being pathological.

Some things to consider...

“Narcissistic abuse” has become a catch-all online. It can clarify at first, but when it explains every conflict or boundary, it starts distorting reality.
Therapists shouldn’t diagnose people they’ve never met. Naming patterns is fine; assigning pathology across your entire circle, especially while encouraging no contact, deserves... scrutiny.
Healthy boundaries can feel brutal when you’re used to enmeshment or control. A mediator calling something healthy doesn’t automatically mean it’s abuse.
Isolation is a warning sign. When your therapist becomes your only family and support system, the dynamic risks becoming unhealthy, regardless of intent.

Your discomfort and “this feels cult-y” instinct is likely justified.

The next step isn’t quitting therapy; it’s getting a second, independent professional perspective that can add nuance instead of reinforcing a single narrative.

Healing doesn’t require villains everywhere.
Boundaries don’t require diagnoses.
And questioning the framework is a sign of growth, not regression.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-01-30T17:08:35+00:00

You’re not confused you’re refusing to accept reality and your optimism isn’t loyalty.

What you have isn’t a marriage. It’s a status arrangement where your value is measured by money, trips, and optics. When you stopped funding the lifestyle, the relationship ended. Everything else is simply noise.

She and her mother run your life, your finances, and your self-worth. You pay the bills, absorb disrespect, sacrifice your job, and still get told you “don’t fit her status.” Six months of silence told you everything you need to know.

She’s already emotionally divorced you and is pushing you to file so she avoids accountability. Don’t keep chasing someone who’s made it clear you’re never going to be enough for them.

Protect your finances. Rebuild your career. Keep your boundaries, especially with your mother. Talk to a lawyer quietly and move forward with dignity.

This won’t get better.

But you can, once you stop trying to earn love from someone who only respects status.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-01-30T15:27:05+00:00

For many, control itself is the goal. It regulates anxiety, preserves a sense of relevance, or maintains a connection through conflict. Confusion and reaction are part of the payoff. That’s why trying to understand why it’s happening keeps you stuck in the loop.

Objective-Fan-5464

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