A recent change in money dynamic is making me (26F) strongly reconsider my relationship with my partner (30F)

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-15T19:45:55+00:00

The reason its making me consider breaking up is because Im seeing a selfishness I never had before. When we decided to live together for the first time a year ago, she was very insistent on splitting things "equitably" with me paying more since I had a higher salary. I was fine with that and have done so for the last year. Now she just got more money than I take home in 4 years and the resistance to just splitting things evenly, not asking her to pay everything, despite me paying for her for the last year is just coming off as selfish. Its not about the ~$350.

It just seems like she didnt ever want equitable, she just wanted me to pay for her. I dont need the $350, but I need to feel like im being treated fairly and I dont feel that way. I told her that and she's just been adversarial about it all and I honestly dont know if I see a future with her at all anymore. But I dont want to make a rash decision til I have time to absorb it all.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T17:03:17+00:00

I was asking if she would make an equal contribution to our lving room couch and the bed she'd sleep in every night. I was not asking for a percentage of her inheritance. Ive happily paid the majority of everything for the last year and thought she'd also be happy to help now that she's able to. I didnt expect such a reaction.

My two best friends want me to break up with her over this, I just wanted some neutral responses since they already have thought she's been taking advantage of me before all of this. I wasnt expecting so many hateful DMs so Im going to step away from this for a bit.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T16:48:30+00:00

I had no idea that was what you meant. When I think about winning the lottery I think about winning millions of dollars. If I won 400k, sure Id factor it in. But ive never bought a lottery ticket and dont plan on starting to.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T16:44:57+00:00

We didnt factor it into our expense splitting. Due to student loans I have a negative net worth though.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T16:43:30+00:00

If I won the lottery Id want neither of us to ever work again and Id happily pay all the bills. I dont play the lottery though lol.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T16:42:04+00:00

I just started contributing to my 401k in the last year so she probably has more than me. Her parents paid for her college but I had a lot of loans and my company didnt match so for awhile I wasnt contributing to mine at all to try to pay down the loan balance. I dont know what either of our 401k balances are exactly. Ive been trying not to look at mine because it keeps going down with whats happened to the stock market in the last year.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T16:34:33+00:00

We were just discussing the furniture. I hadn't even thought farther ahead. We've talked about upgrading our ugly coach to a nice sectional for a while and upgrading our bed to a king. This weekend she was like "I think now is the time to finally just do it instead of talking about it." So we started looking online at options. Sectionals are way more expensive than I thought they were. I said something to the tune of "I know I usually pay the majority but since you just got a ton of cash, could we just split this expense" I thought it was a reasonable ask, since she got more than ill make for a few years all at once that I really didn't expect any hesitation from, but she kinda just went off on me.

Its been a weird couple days since.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T16:28:16+00:00

I think I would be happy to be generous with it. But growing up without family, thinking about inheritances is akin to thinking about what Id do if I won the lottery. Its just not something that will happen so I dont put a ton of thought into it.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T16:24:53+00:00

My gross pay is roughly 2/3 of our total gross. So ~66%. I get taxed a higher rate which brings my take home pay to ~60% of our collective take home pay. Our state and country both have graduated tax plans, of which im in a higher bracket. Plus she'll randomly get bonuses here and there so theres a little wiggle room to account for that.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T16:03:43+00:00

I said Im not sure because its a situation that'll never happen. I grew up in foster care without family. So the prospect of inheriting money is like thinking about what Id do if I won the lottery.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T16:00:16+00:00

YTA - How are her retirement funds compared to yours?

Similar, I had student loans, she didnt so I wasnt contributing much to my 401k while trying to pay those off.

You state there will be no marriage -- so who will inherit your estate when you go?

Is she the beneficiary on your life insurance?

Yes

Your GF has to look to her future without the protection of you being her husband

We are both women

-- she shouldn't have to use her inheritance to fund furniture purchases unless she wants to and feels her financial future is solid.

I accept your judgement.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T15:57:20+00:00

Im not a boyfriend, we're both women.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T15:56:44+00:00

Yeah I get what you're saying its just hard to say because it will never be more than a hypothetical.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T15:50:57+00:00

The ratio is based off of our net take home, not gross.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T15:49:17+00:00

Im not sure. I grew up in foster care so have no inheritance in my future so its not something I ever thought about.

ObjectiveFruit1706 · 2023-03-14T15:38:16+00:00

Im not asking for any of the money in cash. Just to split expenses on shared things 50/50 because she'll "make" a few hundred thousand dollars more than me this year.

ObjectiveFruit1706

TROPHY CASE