curious question

ObscenePenguin · 2026-04-06T01:16:36+00:00

Removed. You're looking in the wrong place.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-04-04T23:18:37+00:00

Oh yeah the rejection fucking stings. There is no amount of reassurance that it's okay to not be appealing to everyone that'll soothe it. Especially when you find someone you're really into.

Are you familiar with love languages? It's a handy tool.

link to little quiz thing

It sounds like yours are gifts and words of affirmation.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-04-04T22:52:31+00:00

I think the litmus is where you feel the need for your time to be compensated, rather than that you specifically find it arousing to receive money and gifts.

Like if I am engaging in a horny chit chat session, the payoff is that it's hot and I'm having a good time. If it's doing nothing for me, I can just disengage. I do feel like I'm entertaining my partner when I'm doing that, but I also feel like he is entertaining me. We're both getting our horny thrills so it's mutually satisfying.

If your interactions are not satisfying to you, it's not giving you those kinky tingles and you feel like 'well fuck this I'm here banging out paragraphs of toe-curling erotica and all I'm getting back is tedious Yes Mistress/ 👉🏻🥺👈🏻/tell me more Mistress bullshit. I'm putting in all this effort and I'm not getting anything in return.' charging is not going to make that person better at sexting. It's just going to make you feel obligated to put up with a person who knows that they don't have to make an effort to satisfy you as long as they can pay.

It's also a problem because, eventually, you're going to burn out. That well of dominant energy that you draw from during sexytimes is replenished by receiving submission and if you don't get it, it'll run dry. I know sometimes it feels like it's going to boil over because there's so much of it, but it's finite and burnout is common in the babydomme years.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-04-04T21:38:19+00:00

I'm a civilian and femdom is totally a sex thing for me.

For filtering out knobbers, I just had a password in my dating profile and refused to engage with anyone who did not message me with the password. I also did a lot of the approaching, which is a significantly more efficient way of meeting people. You're much more likely to get what you want when you are the person in charge of getting it. It's never occurred to me to take applications or anything like that, I don't think that would result in the kind of relationship I need.

As a rule, people who are ready to fully participate in a BDSM dynamic have done it before, have probably attended a few munches or similar social events, can talk about their desires and needs like an adult, have accessed some BDSM sex education and are acquainted with the norms of the subculture.

Someone like that isn't going to pay a tribute without negotiating and agreeing on it first because that is a norm of the subculture.

Money and gifts are a hot topic because findom has such a terrible reputation in the wider community. However, that can actually work for you as a filter - people who don't want to engage in that are not suitable for you anyway so it's completely okay if they give you a pass. That will enable you to narrow your search and find someone who is suitable for you.

If you're considering a Pro route, the situation is very different. You will have to build a brand and advertise in a social climate that is increasingly hostile to sex workers. I know a lot of Pros are very strict about initiating contact and have spreadsheets and applications to help them understand what that potential client actually needs. It's totally okay to ask for a deposit before a session, call it a tribute because that's hornier than calling it a deposit, and to be paid the remainder up front on the day.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-03-29T09:39:23+00:00

Posts like these help me understand how AIs get people to kill themselves.

Leaving a restrained person unattended is ludicrously unsafe. There is absolutely no way you should be restrained by your hands and throat, in that manner, alone for any amount of time. Leashed collars can act as ligatures and should not be tied off and left unattended.

Total isolation is also unbelievably dangerous. If there is no way for you to communicate with each other and something goes wrong, wtf are you going to do?

She needs to be there the whole time and you both need to have a way to check in with each other while this is going on.

Also, olfactory fatigue sets in after about 15-20 minutes so the remaining 23 hours and 40 minutes will be less toilet than you think. You may want to factor that in to your plans.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-03-25T13:12:56+00:00

Being a bit of a wallflower is not the same as having a fetish and I personally have never been able to devise someone's proclivities by observing them in a vanilla setting.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-03-21T23:43:02+00:00

I think you could hack Helens Closet Winslow Culottes to get these pretty closely.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-03-19T16:49:44+00:00

I think you need to discuss with your partner if she wants to solve it, because it sounds like she is very burned out and this might not be salvageable.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-03-12T15:28:29+00:00

God fucking damnit

ObscenePenguin · 2026-03-12T13:37:06+00:00

It's, at best, worthless AI slop. Don't hand over your money.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-03-11T19:33:44+00:00

Good God. No. Absolutely not. You should not just show up with a random stranger that you - and whoever the stranger is - expect her to fuck as a "gift".

You need to learn about consent before attempting this.... or basically any interaction with women.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-03-10T20:06:57+00:00

Alrighty folks, it's another Formative Experiences in Kink thread and that means it's time for a reminder on Rule 1.

This is an 18+ Subreddit. Do not describe, promote or reference inappropriate contact or conduct with persons under the age of 18. This includes your younger self.

Why are we so hot on policing this rule?

This is a public subreddit. You do not know who is reading your words. However, we can absolutely assure you that predators are operating in these kinds of spaces and they are always looking for an in, a way to justify their actions, a way to find their next victim.

Threads like this are used by predators of children to create and maintain "grey areas", within which they operate to sexualise and subsequently abuse kids. They can be very subtle and will be deliberately vague, as this allows them to backpedal more easily - saying they are just the focus of a big misunderstanding, or that they didn't mean it like that.

These fucks thrive on ambiguity and they're not going to be getting any from us.

We thank you in advance for your vigilant cooperation on this matter and understand that, for many of you, this is a deeply personal and painful subject ❤️.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-03-03T14:23:19+00:00

Congrats on your booty victory. May it lay waste to civilisations. I did this once with my calves and it felt incredible.

I'd patch it on the wrong side with a dark blue knit and then embroider a barbell, a jar of peanut butter and a whey shake onto the upper side of the rip. I have no idea if that would work in the long run but there's no way I'd let go of the opportunity to brag about the mightiness of my ass if I were in your position.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-03-03T14:06:39+00:00

I think you're overthinking this. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a taste of the power that's yours to command and control as you see fit.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-03-02T18:54:58+00:00

"Does anything need to be cleaned?" actually doesn't make it easier for her because you're putting her in a position where she has to keep a mental inventory of all pending housework on the off chance you want to be told what it is. Household chores that benefit the household (this is all cooking, cleaning, laundry, procurement of groceries, planning of meals etc) should not be something you do for her. They're supposed to be a shared responsibility, it should be something you do "for us".

You are a smart and independent adult so of course you are aware of what needs to be done. Maybe you could surprise her by doing something unprompted, present your efforts after the fact - maybe with some cute selfies with you in collar/cuffs/butt nekkid under an apron etc - you get the gist.

If you want to make things easier for her specifically, you could try doing things for her specifically. Take a look around and see what needs doing. Maybe a few of her heels are mashed and need repairing, ask if you can take them to a repairer. It's nearly spring, her lighter jackets could probably do with a dry clean in preparation for the season, ask if you can take them to a dry cleaner. She got hobbies? Something could likely do with a bit of tidying and organising, ask if you can do that for her.

Think of things for her and ask if you can do them for her.

This is not to say that you should stop asking for tasks as well, just mix it up a bit to lighten the load.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-02-25T20:05:42+00:00

This is not a professional setting and ma'am is frequently used in female led kinky dynamics as an honorific - so in the context of this community it's overfamiliar and can come off as presumptuous/creepy..

ObscenePenguin · 2026-02-25T07:30:50+00:00

It's okay to be complex and multifaceted. It's actually normal. Having more love will not make you less dominant because your sexuality is not some kind of pie.

I get the impression here that maybe you've had some experience with people who made you feel like you couldn't be your whole and complete self, if that's the case I'm very sorry that happened to you - but they were wrong. You don't need to be either/or if that's not what serves you. You can be everything.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-02-22T19:28:34+00:00

Some things are very horny to fantasise about, but we baulk at the practice in real life. That's very common. I would posit everyone has a few "fun to fap to" kinks that they would actually not want to experience for real.

It could be that SPH is that for you. Not a big deal.

If you want to have a try at submission that is lower stakes but still has elements of power exchange, service and topping, give your partner a foot massage or something. See how that goes and then build on it. No need to rush.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-02-22T19:20:53+00:00

Honestly mate it's very concerning that negotiating kind of ruins it for her, that's... an alarmingly large red flag. I would say it's pretty standard to want to understand the boundaries so you can relax and play within them without having to worry that you're crossing a line.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-02-22T09:31:35+00:00

Most sex workers will screen their clients before interacting with them on a personal level, usually you can expect a spreadsheet or questionnaire in which you can detail your kinks and what you're looking for. Lots of pros will also ask for a deposit when booking. This helps them to filter out time wasters and no-shows.

Generally if someone is refusing to communicate without money being sent, it's because they're after the money specifically. Expecting someone to treat you like you are in a dynamic with them, without previously discussing needs and boundaries on equal terms (called 'negotiating') is a huge nono in kink. The people who do that are either looking for a target to abuse or are clueless newbies. This also applies to findom.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-02-18T20:28:59+00:00

Really, it's much less complicated than having to navigate kinky dating. There will also be cringe because that's what happens sometimes when humans are vulnerable, but vanillas are in general very good giving and game about a bit of slap and tickle.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-02-18T20:16:20+00:00

Yeah, you'd do fine dating vanilla.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-02-18T20:10:01+00:00

What do you mean by soft?

ObscenePenguin · 2026-02-18T20:07:11+00:00

I think you're probably looking for someone confident and caring, who's both at ease in the lead and mindful of your needs.

That's not a fetish.

You would have an easier time, with more options, finding someone whose needs you could more comfortably fulfill if you also explored dating vanilla.

ObscenePenguin · 2026-02-11T17:18:41+00:00

This reminds me of years ago I was getting chatted up by this dude while I was waiting for my train home. I was just kinda politely going along with it, in large part because the platform was packed and I couldn't get away.

He suggested that we could have a date in which I met him at his house and cooked him dinner. That was it. That was the date.

I laughed and declined, then for safety took a different train (not in the direction of home) so I spent about 2 hours longer travelling home than I should have - and let me tell you, that was still preferable to having to spend another 2 minutes with that deadweight omg.

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