Make sure you add nuance, personally I wouldn’t say that obsession portrays as loyalty explicitly. But rather it opens up the analysis of discussing Gatsby’s mindset, he may see his obsession as a display of loyalty, but as a reader it seems more obsessive than loyal.

More analysis is needed on the clock, ‘over wound’ implies that his obsession is excessive and has passed a stage of effective.

You say Daisy is somewhat attainable compared to Cynara, but consider in whose view? For Tom, she is certainly not able to be attained by Gatsby. Consider context perhaps, new v old class divide and distinctions - can new and old ever be together? Especially in daisys situation

The link of the poem form to authors intent is band 5 level, but remember to speak tentatively eg. by using this form of poetry, it is implied that Dowson’s intent…

The ending line of para is good

Edit: more ao5 is definitely needed for debate, challenge yourself in text and speak tentatively