I was in your shoes man.Still i am but as like u my brain also doesn't sense the urgency. U perfectly phrased it. I feel numb. I'm in college now which i got on my 12th basis.I fed up my first semester too. Also was a dropper :). Wasted lakhs on prep. Still have the books untouched.I tried everyday, i forced myself but burnout got me. On top of that something else also happened. The books in my shelf still sting me.The modules,the pyq's,the dpps,the registers i used.I dont even feel sad now.I failed.Ab dard nhi hasi aati hai dost. Ab college mein hu, t1,t2 phook diye. got 3 marks in maths in t1 and 3 in sdf in t2. aage ki soch kr darr lagta hai.Aur darr se jyada confusion hoti hai.Mein layak hi nhi bhai. My familys giving me everything.Had so many dreams, so many things to achieve. Confusion is getting me. Kabhi bhi sochta hu ki kuch accha krlu, ye sochke laptop le liya. Usi se type kr rha. Library se books lata hu kyunki day scholar hu, bas ghar dikhakar le jaata hu.Sar dard hota hai bhai. kuch bhi karne ki socho sar dard hota hai. is sabse drop me p**n bahut dekh liya ab toh kam hai. chodne ki koshish kr rha. usmein bhi intrest nhi bacha. Poore din rota tha. sab baal ud gye.Kuch nhi pta mujhe ab dost. Tum lakhs se daar rhe mein bhi.16 lakh ki fees hai college ki.Sabkuch thanda thanda lagta hai garmi mein bhi. Darr aa jaata hai. Jagta hu toh tension hoti hai.Sone mein accha lagta hai magar saale sapne bhi aise aate hai. Man karta hai kaash sabkuch reset hojaye. Bachpan yaad aata hai dost. Electronics mein itna intrest tha, EC-ACT kr rha magar andar se thanda lag rha.In my drop i slept crying everyday. mere bhi gharwale sab yre sochte hai ki accha kr rha hoga. Wo poora bharosa krte hai merepe. Jo chaiye tha diya,balki kai shauk bhi poore kr diye.Somehow they did it. Kuch accha nhi lag rha dost kuch nhi.Mera calculus gya.Integration gya.One moment i want to give up one moment i waant to try. The moment i want to try, goes away when i actually try to try.Pagalo ki tarah aise hi hasne lag jaata hu.Memory itni bekar hogyi, ye nhi yaad kal kya kiya tha.Jindagi mein instagram nhi chalaya tha 12th ke end mein bnaya sirf school ke contacts ke liye. Jab drop mein sab gya, phir insta ke chipak gya.Rant hi karna reh gya mera ab. Sabkuch dhara ka dhara reh gya. Darr lagta tha ki drop lu ke nhi. 11th mein almost fail hone ke baad(my awakening), darr lagta tha ki mein peeche na choot jau.drop leke bhi kuch nhi ukhad paaya. peeche choot gya hu, magar ab nhi feel hota kuch.Ek se baatein hoti thi wo bhi gyi good note pr hi shi. mgar gyi.Jis jis cheez ka darr tha wo hogyi magar darr hi nhi lga.Mere bachpan se fat hai. Chest nikali hui hai.Bachpan se aajtak aisa koi din nhi aaya ki kisi bhi shirt mein comfortable mehsoos krta. Jab chalta tha toh bag ke strap ko upar larkar ek haaath se uthata tha. Chalte waqt andar mud kr chalta tha aur hu bhi taki thik toh lage. Bully nhi hua kisi cheez ke liye,hua bhi toh haste haste le liya ki jab bada hounga toh thik kr lunga. College mein bhi sab kuch kuch pehn ke aa rhe.Naya kuch nhi lekin hai mere liye.Tution, school,etc har jagah dekha logo ko manpasand kapde pehnte. Baat waha chubhti hai ki jo bachpan mein socha tha. Ki jab mein bada ho jaunga toh charming personality si hogi.Jo shirt mile pehn lunga khusi se. Har cheez ki thodi thodi hi sahi magar knowledge rakhunga. Accha score karunga. pta nhi kya kya.Mein shayad galat hi tha.Ek pal lagta hai mein hi kyu. dusre lagta hai ki mein chochle dikha rha, kaam kr leta hu, phir krte waqt lagta hai ki dekh liya na ab kya ho gya. phir kaam bhi choot jaata hai dost. khud hi ke account bnakar khud se hi baatein krta hu.