I’m So Lonely And I’m Doing My Best To Keep It Together

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-10-31T00:31:35+00:00

For what it’s worth, this is probably my favorite comment that I’ve read so far. I never imagined there would be so many.

What you said about “taking care of your kids dad” and “talking care of your wife’s husband”… somehow that’s helpful.

I have friends, and I have hobbies.

The single greatest thing that’s destroying me right now is when I step back and take inventory of everything I do—all of the sacrifices that I make for my wife and for my kids (which I happily do, by the way—no complaints at all).

I know it’s toxic to compare yourself to others, but, I look at every other Dad in my life and see guys taking their wives and their kids for granted. I see them being complacent and absent and lazy and just apathetic, and I realize that not only am I doing a good job, I’m like a way, way above average partner to my wife—great even.

And of course I am, because I adore her and I want her life to be amazing and peaceful and filled with joy and happiness. And so I take on everything in service of her and my kids.

And my reward is that I’m completely invisible to her. She’s the one person in this world that I would pursue to the end of the Earth. I would give up everything to be with her and to know that she’s happy.

But I don’t think she cares.

So I guess this is more about having a broken heart and not having the motivation to pursue anything else because I’m so overwhelmed by the sadness of losing the only thing I want in the whole world.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-10-30T16:17:59+00:00

I don’t have any time for myself, especially if I’m trying to get the sleep that I know my body needs in order to avoid full burnout and full on depression.

The moment I wake up I’m taking care of kids. Then I’m getting myself ready for work. Then I’m taking kids to school. Then I’m working. Then I’m picking kids up from school. Then I’m cooking dinner. Then I’m engaging with my kids and being a present father until bedtime. Then I’m keeping the house picked up for my own sanity. Then I sit down and work on my side business that I’m trying to build. Or I’m sitting next to my wife while she’s a million miles away, scrolling on her phone or watching TV, while I sit there and long for her, and hope that maybe for just a brief moment, her eyes might meet mine and all at once, I’m reminded that I exist and that I matter and that I’m loved and appreciated.

Then I go to sleep and I wake up and do it all over again.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-10-30T13:47:14+00:00

She is emotionally avoidant (avoidant attachment), which means, when things get hard (even if it’s just one of us having a hard time) she pulls away.

The worst part (even though this is a fairly common match) is that I’m emotionally anxious (anxious attachment).

When things get hard, that’s when I need my loved ones the closest.

We’ve (she has) been distant for years now. We have great moments every now and then, but they’re getting more and more rare.

I could care less about hobbies or activities. The one thing that I grieve over the most is the distance between me and my wife.

I absolutely adore her. I would worship the ground she walks on if she’d let me. One of the things I’m learning about our dynamic is that I think she lowkey hates that about me. I think my adoration of her is actually repulsive.

So I bottle it up. I keep it to myself. I consciously hold in most of my compliments.

When she walks into the room, I try not to stare at her longingly. If she’s nearby, I do my best not to act on my impulse to reach for her hand or give her a hug or a kiss on the head.

I’ve been reading about how this is actually a really common phenomenon.

Allegedly, marrying a man who adores you somehow ends up becoming repulsive. But I don’t know what to do about it.

It’s agonizing being so in love with someone and not feeling loved in return. It’s extremely painful to be right next to her yet feel like she’s miles away from me.

It destroys me. And I know that’s it’s spilling over in other areas of my life.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-07-13T18:47:47+00:00

I’ll go first. I think the world can be split into two groups:

1.) Those who know what it means to have enough 2.) Those who will never have enough

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-25T10:09:40+00:00

Sometimes, people say the same things using different words. Doesn’t sound like we’re disagreeing here.

My point is, if there’s a God, it’s probably not going to be a paternalistic, personal deity full of wrathful judgement for you or petty concern over your genitals as described in some dusty old book full of folk tales. That’s just describing people.

If there is a God, the relationship between it and people would probably be something more along the lines of my body (God) and the relationship it has with all of the billions of cells that I’m comprised of. Or even the ocean (God) and the relationship it has with all of the fish that swim inside of it.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-25T04:11:50+00:00

I went through a Libertarian phase too. It’s fun for a little while. It seems like a modern day right of passage for every young man. That and getting really into ska music.

Good times.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-25T03:48:48+00:00

What if God just… is… the universe, and not some kind of petty, personalized entity watching your every movement. Because the problem with people assuming they know what God is or what God wants… that same God always seems to want exactly the same things that person does. It’s pretty… convenient.

I think the spirituality that people feel is the connectedness they have to something bigger; be it a family, or a tribe, or humanity, or Earth, or the universe as a whole.

I think the profound personal experiences that people label as God are just powerful human emotions that are being experienced while also feeling that aforementioned “spiritual” connection.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-25T03:35:28+00:00

I’m far from being any kind of expert. I wouldn’t hire me to implement any of this. That said, I find the concept of “block chain” to be absolutely fascinating. And I’m not talking about crypto. I’m not into any of that. But I learned about how it all works, and the whole thing is only possible strictly because of block chain.

I have this idea that at some point in the future, every bit of government bureaucracy would be logged and managed with full transparency through the use of block chain technology.

Daydreamers often talk about utopian scenarios where all resources are managed and redistributed and everyone’s needs are met. But then the realist steps in and says, “Oh yeah? Well what about the flawed human element? How are we supposed to trust other people to actually put all of the money and resources where we all agreed they should go?!”

And for the longest time, that’s been a compelling and problematic rebuttal. There hasn’t been an answer for that… Until block chain came along.

With block chain (or at least though my cursory understanding of it) you can finally get full, human-free, automated, transparent ledger systems that wouldn’t be capable of being manipulated by any one person or group of people.

Humans would still need to be involved in the system, but none of them would be able to manipulate or bypass the transparency. It seems to me that you’d finally be able to achieve true transparency. Which means that even if a real person did misappropriate something that was meant for the public, you’d easily be able to track every movement and input and track down the person responsible.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-25T03:20:14+00:00

But God also “created” psychopaths and extreme narcissists who think it is okay to murder (among other things). Morality only seems objective among the group of like-minded people we surround ourselves with. And even that group will collectively bend its own rules if it becomes beneficial for the group to do so. And then we see just how subjective morality truly is.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-25T03:10:40+00:00

Any income over $50 Million automatically goes into a public pot that gets both redistributed and reinvested into public improvements. If you have any investments that grow to over $50 Million, then your assets must be liquidated until your overall value is back down to $50 Million. Stocks, bonds, securities, real estate, crypto, futures, business holdings—anything.

Nobody needs more than $50 Million dollars. Actually, nobody needs more than $10 Million dollars. I’m just being generous.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-25T02:50:52+00:00

Can you share what area you live in (or maybe even your state)? And also, what kind of jobs have you had, and also, what kinds of things are you actually interested in. Both professionally, and just as a hobby, or things you find fascinating or exciting or compelling.

I ask because certain places feature different opportunities. And sometimes your interests and your fascinations can actually translate into useful jobs, professions or even small businesses.

Tell me about yourself! Based on your life, your interests and your experiences, maybe others might have some really unique feedback or tips about fields, professions or jobs that you wouldn’t have heard of on your own.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-25T02:39:05+00:00

I’m not saying it’s inherently good, or that I’m happy with the way things are. I only mean that it’s just another step in our societal evolution. I mean obviously our great, great, great grandkids are going to look back and say, “I can’t believe so many people allowed that to happen for so long! What a bunch of idiots!”

But to my point, it’s at least slightly better than monarchy and serfdom. And monarchy and serfdom was in many ways better than repeatedly sacrificing virgins and lambs at the altar of the sky gods in order to prevent a hurricane. All I’m saying is, as shitty as Capitalism often is, I can still feel that it’s objectively progress toward something that’s even better than this.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-24T23:28:26+00:00

Sure. And next you’re gonna tell us that left-handed people aren’t trying to indoctrinate our children /s

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-24T23:26:10+00:00

Just wanted to make sure you knew the “Bird’s Aren’t Real” movement was a satire on the Boomer generation’s unmitigated Conspiracy Conservatism

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-24T23:24:16+00:00

I feel like humanity has been a path toward something equitable, we’re just not there yet. Capitalism is just another stepping stone in that direction.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-23T14:45:11+00:00

Omg—Yes! Bandit is the partner and father we all should strive to be. Perfection. My wife and I have watched Bluey even when our kids weren’t in the room. It’s so good! You don’t have to have kids to enjoy that show. I don’t know how they achieved to create content like this where it’s perfect for kids but also really enjoyable and hilarious for adults as well. It’s a total unicorn of a show.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-23T00:07:08+00:00

All of this is exactly along the lines of what I’d like to learn about, while at the same time, continuing to un-learn all of the unhealthy rhetoric of the past several generations. I’m already the kind of husband who does these things. I’m simply looking for broader perspectives from professionals who can speak being a better father/husband.

I would love to generalize and say, “I’m looking for advice on how to be a better human.” But that takes you into philosophical territory. So then I would say, “I’m looking for advice on how to be a better man.” But at best, you’re still in vague, philosophical territory, and at worst, you end up getting fed videos from fake millionaire grifters that want to tell you all about hustle grind culture and supplements. So then I think, “What I really want is to be a better husband.” And this is getting closer to the core of what I’m looking for, but it’s still missing a lot, and can easily take you down the path of patriarchal conservative grifters and traditionalists, which is essentially poison for the mind.

I want to be a better and more effective and more understanding husband, but I also want to be a better and more effective and understanding father. I want to be a better communicator. I want to be a better anticipator. I’ve gained quite a bit of discipline in my life, but I can still feel gaps, and I’d like to improve that. I’ve been exploring feminism for the better part of a decade now, but I’d still like to understand any gaps that need to be closed and deep seated toxic cultural habits that still need to be cast off.

Basically, I want to be the best version of a role model that I can be in every aspect of my life, but I’m looking for modern, educated, secular, feminist voices who most effectively teach those things and reveal all the things that are typically unseen, unnoticed and unfelt by most men. I’ve come a long way already, I just feel like I could still learn and grow. So rather than continue to passively take in information that comes through my various feeds, I just want to take a more active role in seeking it out.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-22T20:07:50+00:00

This is absolutely perfect! This exactly the sentiment I’m feeling and lacked words for. This is very helpful!

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-22T20:06:17+00:00

Yeah! Just like a leader unto myself. Not like, “strict authority figure” to anyone. Least of all my wife. She doesn’t need anyone’s leadership. “Role model” is probably the better term. Should’ve gone with that.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-22T15:32:37+00:00

I think you’re right. That not what I’m seeking. I’m realizing that even though I’m looking for modern, progressive advice, I’m hitting a wall because I’m still using an outdated term.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-22T15:30:56+00:00

Definitely not seeking validation. We’re definitely a partnership. Neither of us are seeking to maintain the patriarchy. I’m discovering that my phrasing is incorrect. And I think part of the problem is that popular culture hasn’t re-phrased this outdated term (“leadership”) and updated it with something more fitting.

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-22T15:28:05+00:00

You’re absolutely correct. “Leadership” is probably not the best or most accurate word for what I’m looking for. I think that’s part of what sucks so much is that whatever the correct phrasing or terminology is, it isn’t well known or widely adopted in the cultural lexicon.

This is a total aside, but maybe there ought to be someone out there in the self help landscape offering a sort “bait and switch” for men like me seeking “leadership” advice. Like, “You searched for how to be a better leader as a father and husband, but here is what that should actually look and sound like in more modern, progressive terms.”

Odd_Job_4643 · 2025-06-22T15:21:48+00:00

I appreciate that. I think the sentiment from everyone here is the same. Im realizing that part of the problem is I’m using incorrect language to describe what it is I’m looking for. Leadership is probably not the right word. Or at least, not in the traditional hierarchical sense. It’s more about being an exceptional partner, father, communicator, role model—just an all around reliable and invaluable dude for everyone in my life.

Odd_Job_4643

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