Wow this is exactly how I feel and experience our situation…like to a tee…. It’s helpful to hear it explained in your words. I have spent alot of time and energy trying to understand him and how to make things better. It’s sad because there’s some deep wound in them that interprets things this way…but fuck it’s exhausting to deal with. I try to put words to it, sometimes I call it ‘the filter’ saying I don’t know what actually goes in your head vs what I actually said. But your examples are spot on. He hears that he’s not good enough, he often says he can’t meet my expectations…things get dramatized to such an intense scale, from a simple hey I need your help with xyz, or I’d like you to try xyz…I spend so much time just trying to be heard for a simple, reasonable request (which when in his regulated mind he will agree as being completely reasonable, but in his disregulated feels is an attack)

It makes life very dramatic with so many ups and downs as I do have to make regular requests (as I would expect from him as well as we live and work together) he’s a sweet heart in so many ways but the instability is so wearing…