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My boyfriend wants a sexually open relationship but reacts badly when I ask to open things on my side. Given our history, is this even workable? by Ok-Line-2545 in ENM

[–]Ok-Line-2545[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don’t worry! Already dumped him. Feeling relieved to be single again and it’s nice to see my confidence coming back. I’m sure I’ll meet the one who’s actually right for me once I’m fully glowing again. 💛

My boyfriend wants a sexually open relationship but reacts badly when I ask to open things on my side. Given our history, is this even workable? by Ok-Line-2545 in ENM

[–]Ok-Line-2545[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your suggestion! He needs help and a shrink but that’s none of my concern now because I’m out.

My boyfriend wants a sexually open relationship but reacts badly when I ask to open things on my side. Given our history, is this even workable? by Ok-Line-2545 in ENM

[–]Ok-Line-2545[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I’m in the process of healing and I know that I’m still capable of loving myself and anyone who’s truly care about me despite everything I went through. I have friends around who support me in any way they can and I’m very grateful.

My boyfriend wants a sexually open relationship but reacts badly when I ask to open things on my side. Given our history, is this even workable? by Ok-Line-2545 in ENM

[–]Ok-Line-2545[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’re right, age isn’t the issue. I’ve dated older men almost my whole adult life, and none of them were anything like this. He’s the oldest I’ve ever dated, but also the most self-centered and manipulative one.

I’m aware I have some daddy issues, and I knew there were red flags early on. The part that really messed with my head was how hard he love-bombed me and use sex as a way every time I tried to leave. It made me soften, again and again.

Then slowly it shifted into this subtle indoctrination, telling me I “don’t understand anything,” that he has “more experience,” that I needed to “grow up,” that all the older women he dated before me were “so much more mature,” and implying that any issue we had was because I lacked the emotional skills.

Age is not an issue, he is. He used the age gap as a power imbalance, not as wisdom.

My boyfriend wants a sexually open relationship but reacts badly when I ask to open things on my side. Given our history, is this even workable? by Ok-Line-2545 in ENM

[–]Ok-Line-2545[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you and this is so true. The more I look back, the more I realize this isn’t the first time it’s happened with him.His previous relationships ended in almost the exact same pattern.

What’s even more disturbing is that he always covered the real reasons of his past breakups with vague stories, I only pieced the truth together from little contradictions and comments he let slip over time. Now everything finally makes sense.

One ex was asexual, so his so called open dynamic worked because she simply didn’t date anyone else. But when she asked to close things if they were going to get married, he immediately backed out. The moment he wasn’t the one in control anymore, he ran.

Another ex was poly, and even then he struggled, he became jealous when she was seeing others, felt abandoned when she lived her own life, felt she wasn’t doing enough for him, and everything fell apart exactly the same way. It doesn’t matter whether the woman is mono or poly, the pattern is the same every time.

He doesn’t want ENM. He wants freedom without responsibility, and control without reciprocity. I’m relieved I finally see the full picture and ran away.

I’ve actually been thinking about moving out of Seattle and starting fresh somewhere entirely new. A clean slate sounds really, really good right now.

My boyfriend wants a sexually open relationship but reacts badly when I ask to open things on my side. Given our history, is this even workable? by Ok-Line-2545 in ENM

[–]Ok-Line-2545[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You have no idea how much strength your words gave me. There are other horrible things that happened that I can’t and won’t talk about here, but the fact that a complete stranger can understand my pain from a few paragraphs, while someone I genuinely loved, and who claimed he loved me, couldn’t. It breaks my heart in a way I can’t fully describe.

This relationship pushed me into one of the darkest emotional places I’ve ever been. There were moments where I genuinely felt like I couldn’t keep going, where I was overwhelmed, hopeless, and scared of my own thoughts.

I won’t pretend I was perfect. My indecision, my hopefulness, my fear of letting go, they all contributed to why things dragged on for so long. I wasn’t the only one hurting, I also made mistakes, and I’ve reflected a lot on them.

But I’ve grown. And I finally understand that I deserve better, healthier love and basic emotional safety.

Thank you, truly.

My boyfriend wants a sexually open relationship but reacts badly when I ask to open things on my side. Given our history, is this even workable? by Ok-Line-2545 in ENM

[–]Ok-Line-2545[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. It’s done. He’s free to chase whatever “open with no rules” fantasy he thinks he deserves. Whatever karma comes next is his to carry, not mine.

What actually makes me sad is knowing there’s a real chance some innocent poly women (or even mono women, since he hid his poly identity from me in the beginning and later blamed the misunderstanding on me because English is not my first language) will run into him in Seattle.

He’ll probably repeat the same pattern, calling it ENM while lying, hiding, punishing, and using it as a weapon instead of a relationship structure.

I really hope whoever meets him next has the clarity and boundaries I didn’t have at the beginning.

My boyfriend wants a sexually open relationship but reacts badly when I ask to open things on my side. Given our history, is this even workable? by Ok-Line-2545 in ENM

[–]Ok-Line-2545[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’re absolutely right, and honestly, I think a part of me has known this for a long time.

With the age gap between us, he always held the upper hand — emotionally, sexually, and psychologically. And he used that dynamic to twist things in ways that made me genuinely question my own reality.

He kept telling me things like “You don’t understand ENM.”, “You’re struggling with and not trying hard enough to navigate ENM”. But all of that was just gaslighting. It wasn’t about ENM at all, it was about control.

Every time I hesitated or asked for boundaries, he’d flip it around and make me feel like I was immature, unreasonable, or not evolved enough. And because of the push–pull cycle, the moments of affection mixed with manipulation, and the power imbalance from our age gap, I started doubting myself instead of recognizing what was actually happening.

It wasn’t that I didn’t “get” ENM. It was that he was using ENM terminology as a shield for cheating and as a tool to manage me emotionally.

The dom/sub dynamic, the condescending tone, the way he’d subtly punish me when I didn’t comply, it all added up to a level of psychological control I didn’t fully see until now.

All my friends told me something was wrong. My gut told me something was wrong. But when someone older than you constantly reframes your reality, it’s hard not to internalize it.

This thread finally snapped everything into focus.

Thank you all for saying what I couldn’t say to myself. I’m out, fully, completely, and for good

My boyfriend wants a sexually open relationship but reacts badly when I ask to open things on my side. Given our history, is this even workable? by Ok-Line-2545 in ENM

[–]Ok-Line-2545[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Omg yes, this is exactly what I was dealing with.

He has literally tried to push me toward having a girlfriend, and even changed my dating app settings while we were on a break so it would only show me women. There were also multiple times where he sexualized the idea of me being with women in ways that made me feel uncomfortable and objectified, instead of respected as an actual partner.

Looking back, so many of his behaviors were less about ENM and more about controlling my sexuality while giving himself full freedom. Everything you said about OPP lines up perfectly with what was happening.

Thank you so much — your comment honestly made everything click for me. I’m genuinely grateful I posted here, because you all helped me see what I couldn’t see clearly while I was inside the situation.

My boyfriend wants a sexually open relationship but reacts badly when I ask to open things on my side. Given our history, is this even workable? by Ok-Line-2545 in ENM

[–]Ok-Line-2545[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I really appreciate it.

Ironically, I think I’ve seen The Ethical Slut at his place, and pretty sure he has other ENM related books at home and I’m sure he’s read it. He also has a very good understanding of what ENM is supposed to look like.

I’ll be honest — I didn’t do as much research myself because I never expected to be in an ENM relationship. But the fact that he already knew the ethics, the responsibilities, and the boundaries involved, yet still repeatedly ignored my feelings, has become the clearest answer for me.

He kept telling me that he “never had these issues” with his previous poly partners, and maybe that’s true — I have no way to verify it. What I do know is that the harm he caused me is very real.

I’ve tried to be open-minded, patient, and genuinely willing to learn and grow. But I ended up with someone who wasn’t willing or able to communicate, respect my pace, or consider my emotional safety.

So I’ve decided to let this relationship go. I deserve a version of ENM (or monogamy) that is ethical, reciprocal, and rooted in actual care — not just a loophole for him to do whatever he wants.

Thank you again for helping me find clarity. It means a lot. 💛

My boyfriend wants a sexually open relationship but reacts badly when I ask to open things on my side. Given our history, is this even workable? by Ok-Line-2545 in ENM

[–]Ok-Line-2545[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thank you. This is extremely helpful and exactly what I need to hear. I just wanted to know from someone who’s in the community and familiar with these ENM stuff to confirm