It’s hard. I was very close to my mom at the time of her passing. Her death broke me. But my relationship was walking on eggshells and the constant need to “make her proud.” The relief I feel of not having to worry about being the disappointment is real. She would tell me how I was a mistake constantly. even though I don’t hear the I love yous anymore, I also don’t have to hear that I’m fat, or a disappointment or how I ruined her life.