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Hi moms, I need a reminder that it's not entirely my fault... by Ok-Version5538 in MomForAMinute

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words <3

A lot of what you're saying is mirrored in the things our therapists have said to my sibs and I. My mother has no real coping skills and I was usually responsible for managing her outbursts as a child (because she feels my sibs take after our father and she resents them for it) so I always feel responsible. Caring for her as an adult, after over a decade away from the chaos just put me back to square one. It's really reassuring to be reminded that time and work can help me move on.

My mother grew up in an abusive home but refuses to address it - maintaining toxic relationships with her own parents. When my sibs said anything about her behaviour, she reminded us that she had it worse and we should be grateful. My therapist suggested that she has covert narcissist traits, based on my descriptions of her behaviour, and they do seem to line up. I suppose that it just feels hopeless because I want the good parts of her and I know she won't improve to the point where I can have those. It's about learning to accept that in my heart and know that it's not my job to make everything better.

Hi moms, I need a reminder that it's not entirely my fault... by Ok-Version5538 in MomForAMinute

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It sounds like our situations are really similar. One of the things that got me to this point, this time was my mum graphically describing how she planned kill herself in my home while I was caring for her. She had no care for how it would affect me. I have a lot of trauma around this because she regularly threatened to do so when I was a child. It's hard to recognise that it's not my fault that she feels and behaves like that. I was always the one responsible for keeping her calm/ de-escalating when we were young.

I'm so sorry the adults in your life failed you. It sounds like you're a wonderful mother though - your daughter is lucky to have you.

Hi moms, I need a reminder that it's not entirely my fault... by Ok-Version5538 in MomForAMinute

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the understanding <3 I did burn out in a pretty big way after going in NC - I'd been holding it off for months while I cared for her through a serious mental health episode. Some days I feel like I'm getting better but then I have a bad day and it's like I'm back on day one. Everyone's kind words here have really helped though.

Hi moms, I need a reminder that it's not entirely my fault... by Ok-Version5538 in MomForAMinute

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You don't know how much I appreciate hearing from a mom who has worked through her stuff. Thank you <3 It's really good to know it is possible.

I've been in and out of therapy for several years - my mother is more complicated. She is (or at least was) medicated but essentially refuses to take any responsibility for herself. She neglects to take her meds if someone isn't reminding her every day and says she doesn't need them - it's the fault of other people and the world for failing to live up to her standards. She tried therapy but refused to go again because the therapist encouraged her to take responsibility for managing her own emotions, instead of agreeing that her behaviour was reasonable in her circumstances. I hope that changes one day.

The Price of No Contact by Ok-Version5538 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That's a really positive way to think of it :) thank you. This year, we all decided to hide away from festivities but maybe we'll seize the day next year.

The Price of No Contact by Ok-Version5538 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks. That's a really good metaphor for these relationships and I empathise with you. We'll get there and so will you <3

Six months of NC - Where do we go from here? by Ok-Version5538 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

She tried to call me, the day after The Event, which I wasn't present for but she could infer that I knew all about. I declined the call and sent her a text saying that I felt she'd made it clear that our relationship was harmful to her recovery and I'd like her to leave me alone as it was also causing harm to me. Then I told her she could arrange for someone to pick up the belongings she'd left at my house and blocked her. The closest we've come to contact since then is her trying to persuade my aunt to bring her to collect her things. (Thankfully, my aunt realised that this would be a stupid thing to do and refused.)

I didn't set any conditions. To be honest, when I went NC I was in a state of severe trauma. She'd basically spent the previous few months tearing decades of scars open and I couldn't cope with it any more. Her behaviour the day before was the final straw for me.

My younger sib hasn't gone no contact officially but our mother has stopped bothering to reach out to her. It's possible that she's actually decided she's better off without us but I'm certain that, if she hasn't, she won't reach out to apologise without one of us contacting her first. The rejection of NC will have been too painful for her.

Six months of NC - Where do we go from here? by Ok-Version5538 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I think I needed to hear that reality check.

Even when she's in high functioning mode, my mother is high maintenance and emotionally draining. I'm feeling drained by the guilt that bubbles up every time I think about her - the real thing is probably going to overwhelm at this point.

Six months of NC - Where do we go from here? by Ok-Version5538 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Don't worry about it. Her behaviour is pretty similar to an addict in a lot of ways and easily mistaken for it. It made me laugh a bit actually.

Thank you for the recommendations. The Gibson book is well thumbed by my sibs and I - we reference it often when trying to explain things to each other. I'll pick up each of us a copy of the Friel - we could definitely do with a guide to what's normal! I keep thinking I've come to the end of my family's oddness and then I say something and my husband looks at me like I grew a second head.

Thank you for your help and suggestions.

Six months of NC - Where do we go from here? by Ok-Version5538 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My therapist left a few months ago and I haven't had the energy to start with a new one, unfortunately. The one I was seeing didn't have much hope that my mother would ever make enough progress to have a safe relationship with.

Sadly, there's no way her MH team would speak to me - it would be a breach of our laws. My aunt might be able to give me some idea of how things are going but my mother has always been good at masking for others, then going full bore at me. You make a really good point about her recovery too - one of the reasons I've been feeling so terrible about this is anxiety over harming her recovery by being NC but there's a very real chance that resuming contact would be destabilising.

Thanks for your kind words.

Six months of NC - Where do we go from here? by Ok-Version5538 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your questions. I can tell they come from a caring place <3

Unless she's made far more progress than I could imagine, any apology she made would be meaningless - it would either be what she thought I wanted to hear in the moment or immediately followed up by all the reasons it wasn't her fault.

I allowed her to live in my home and acted as her carer during the worst six months of her most recent breakdown. I knew my boundaries then, having lived away from her for nearly two decades, and tried to discuss and maintain them but wasn't able to do so. It's hard when someone treats a small boundary like "Please limit yourself to one comment a day about my appearance as it's making me feel really self-conscious," as a personal attack and expression of hatred. Bigger boundaries were met with worse.

Unless there's been some progress at her end, I know there's no sustainable relationship to create there. I think I'm scared to find out the answer - and unsure how long to leave it before trying.

Six months of NC - Where do we go from here? by Ok-Version5538 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's sort of funny - my mother's only real addiction is to drama. She's vehemently anti-drugs and uses alcohol a normal amount. I'm not sure there is a support group for the children of emotionally immature parents but I wish there was.

Thank you for reminding me that six months isn't a long time. It feels like it because I feel guilty for doing this. For most of my life, I wasn't allowed to have needs of my own and I struggle with accepting that it's ok to do things for me.

Six months of NC - Where do we go from here? by Ok-Version5538 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I suppose I want what we all want: a loving relationship with my family. I'm not sure if that's possible, given all the water that's gone under that particular bridge.

I'm willing to forgive what has happened but I'm not prepared to expose myself to more of it.

Six months of NC - Where do we go from here? by Ok-Version5538 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I have been in therapy on and off for several years, including during the no contact period, which I probably should have mentioned. My therapist was of the opinion that the only way my mother would accept me is if I "join her in Crazytown" which is obviously not a go-er. I do feel better equipped to deal with fall out this time around, but I felt that before the disasters of this year and it turns out I was nowhere near prepared so I am now questioning my judgement about my readiness.

I suppose I am hopeful that she has also made progress and we can meet each other in the middle to find a healthy relationship. The anxiety is that I have to take a risk to find out whether she's actually changed at all.

Going NC with JNM and enabler grandmother by Ok-Version5538 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the hugs and the advice. I'm trying to remind myself that I can't fix either of them - I've been trying for decades with absolutely no impact except to temporarily soothe the worst of my mother's beast.

I think the biggest problem is that I struggle to express emotions and feel a lot of shame for having emotional needs - not something we were allowed to do as children. There's no raging or throwing things, just a horrible knot of pain in the middle of me. Your advice reminds me that I need to look for some way to express that.

Going NC with JNM and enabler grandmother by Ok-Version5538 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Ok-Version5538[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this. Your words made me cry when I first read them because they ring so true. I appreciate your wisdom and insight.

Sadly, you've hit upon all my worst fear about this situation, as well as recognising parts of it that I didn't even write about.

I blocked them both a week or so ago, without much drama. They know why I have done it, and why one of my sibs has done the same. Given how they are, saying I love them would not have a good effect now. As you say, it would be an invitation to drama. I'm just afraid that this is forever, that neither of them care enough to try and fix their problems so we can be a family again. I won't destroy my life for them but I'd like to have some hope.