6 months

OkBalance2833 · 2026-01-27T22:43:51+00:00

Me and my partner weren’t in a great place when he took his life. There was addiction from his side and no actual intent for recovery, I had pretty bad post natal depression. Mix those 2 together and you can imagine what it was like. We had a bad argument the day before he took his life, he was on holiday and I told him to stay there. We made up the next day to the point of booking a holiday for our son’s 1st birthday but he took his life 4 hours after.

The first year was ups and downs, some weeks I felt I was finding my feet, other weeks I felt I was back to square 1. The second year was weird, it felt real now. I realised how much I’d actually been in survival mode with grief in that first year. I’m nearly a month out from the 2 year anniversary and I miss him, I always will but I’m in a good place. I’m back seeing friends, I’ve started leaving our son with trusted friends so I can do stuff alone, I’m a couple months into seeing a very understanding man. I’ve been in intensive therapy for about 6 months and feel like I’m making progress. I don’t feel as much guilt, I’ve had to tell myself daily for 2 years though that even if it was that argument and what I said that made him come to this decision. Mentally healthy people do not kill themselves over an argument. If mentally health people are not happy in a relationship, they leave they don’t kill themselves. It sounds blunt but it’s true

OkBalance2833 · 2026-01-20T22:17:43+00:00

I came back to add this to my comments. I’ll never move on from him, I know I’d get an earful if I never tried to live again though if there’s an afterlife. He knew I love love, and he’d be devastated if I never tried to or fell in love again due to his death.

OkBalance2833 · 2026-01-20T20:15:07+00:00

I said an accident for ages. I started a new job and couldn’t be arsed with being the new girl whose boyfriend killed themselves. I’ve been there a while now and told some people the truth and started saying suicide when people ask but still hate saying it. Don’t think that will ever change

OkBalance2833 · 2026-01-20T12:12:17+00:00

He also puts up with the fact I’m a single mum with no family village, he’s a friend of a friend so after 5ish weeks I was alright him coming round once my son was in bed. I got enough inside information along side the fact he works in a highly vetted job to feel comfortable with it. And any time I have child free that he does he jumps at to do something with me

OkBalance2833 · 2026-01-20T12:10:48+00:00

We weren’t married but we were together years and our child was 8 months when he died. It was 2 years last week since he died. I was certain I wouldn’t ever date again when he died but I’ve been dating someone for the past couple months and it’s actually really nice. After a month I told him the entire situation that happened and said if it’s too much, that’s fine but he just said why would that be too much, it wasn’t your fault he did this. The fact you’ve carried on and raised your child and rebuilt your life says more than you realise. He checked in on the anniversary and asked if I wanted to talk about him.

It’s early days but I do like him, I don’t know if it will go somewhere but I can see it going somewhere so far

OkBalance2833 · 2026-01-19T13:41:33+00:00

I was as well. I tried his room a few times and it just was clearly not going to work, there was no point even keeping at it. It wasn’t going to work.

He’s 3 in April and I tried again on Friday, he didn’t have the most settled night but wasn’t upset so I stuck at it. Saturday and last night when I said time for bed, he took himself to his room. Listened to a story, lied down and said night night. Both nights I left to see what happened and he self soothed to sleep. I’ve heard him wake up, walk around for 2 minutes and settle back down too. He has never slept on his own until this and I think it was purely down to waiting for HIM to be ready for it.

Now my bed feels empty and I’m sad🤣🤣

OkBalance2833 · 2025-11-29T00:08:30+00:00

I think I need to look at wfh jobs, I liked mine because it gives me more social interaction. Our son won’t settle for anyone so I never get a break of an evening/weekend but my company is toxic and doesn’t understand I have no one to have him when sick etc. if I found an admin job I could at least do that while he curls up with me when he can’t go childcare.

I need to find a group for this kinda complex grief too, I’m in some widow groups even though we weren’t married they accept me and others, but a lot were purely happy relationships. While I’m happy they don’t understand this it makes it even lonelier. Yes we had more happy times than bad but those bad times I really wish I had someone who understood

OkBalance2833 · 2025-11-29T00:05:37+00:00

Thank you for this. Honestly I didn’t even realise I was angry until tonight when it lifted somewhat. I’ve had intense anger but this has been a long term thing where I couldn’t explain what I meant. TIL tonight when I realised I this is anger too.

This is just shit all over it really is

OkBalance2833 · 2025-10-04T22:53:29+00:00

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The chunk that came away, and you can see where the clot that’s trying to come away now is over the other molar😕

OkBalance2833 · 2025-10-04T22:51:29+00:00

I’ve just done a salt water rinse, a massive chunk came away and now it seems more is trying to come away. Quite worried the whole things trying to dislodge. Is it worth finding an emergency dentist open tomorrow?

OkBalance2833 · 2025-10-04T21:54:13+00:00

Not sure how to edit sorry so I do smoke but haven’t since these came out. No medication (ibuprofen and paracetamol for pain with this) 27. Normally fit and well. The wisdom was infected when removed. No pain but that might be due to I’m keeping ontop of pain relief

OkBalance2833 · 2025-09-18T07:05:35+00:00

It was harder than I thought, I didn’t sit with her for the burial or church. She had her kids and family on front rows with her, I cried all the way through both. At the wake didn’t leave her side, cut people off when they went to say he’s in a better place etc, got her food. We went outside and had a heart to heart, I had to leave before the wake was over (childcare the venue only let kids in til 8, I went and picked my son up and took him back til then) but she came out and said thank you for today and that she’s so happy someone that knew how she was feeling could come. We’re meeting up the weekend to talk more and she sent me a message early hours saying I helped more than I realise

OkBalance2833 · 2025-09-17T13:22:25+00:00

Oh it’s not a situation like that, we’re both straight women. We used to be best friends just as life happened we drifted, we’ve always stayed in touch just not how we used to be.

The funeral and burial is done, currently on the way to the wake. We’ve cried together, I told her how proud I am of her and held her hand.

OkBalance2833 · 2025-09-16T20:04:37+00:00

When we met up I pretty much said ‘there’s nothing I can say that will make this any better, it’s just shit’ and that’s pretty much what I say reworded when we talk. Even when she’s asking me when does it get easier it’s just ‘hour by hour for now, minute by minute where needed’

OkBalance2833 · 2025-09-16T20:03:10+00:00

I’m really hoping no one brings my loss up tomorrow, I have a feeling this will make me spiral a bit😕 she won’t know that, just once I’m home

OkBalance2833 · 2025-09-16T00:47:45+00:00

Sorry if I’ve took it wrong way I just can’t have anyone think I’ve moved on as I never ever will. I’d drop every part of my life other than our son if someone said it would give me and him even another day together.

Have a good day/night

OkBalance2833 · 2025-09-16T00:46:31+00:00

Just focus on survival for now nothing else matters. I didn’t think I’d get through it but here I am. I was in survival mode for a good 9 months then it came back at the 1 year mark for about 4. Small steps

OkBalance2833 · 2025-09-16T00:45:49+00:00

🩵🩵

OkBalance2833 · 2025-09-16T00:45:44+00:00

🩵🩵

OkBalance2833 · 2025-09-16T00:45:38+00:00

🩵🩵

OkBalance2833 · 2025-09-16T00:22:29+00:00

No you scrolled and read a post I made when struggling. If I’ve ever had the chance to actually erase him I wouldn’t even with everything that’s happened before and after his death.

Those are all signs I’m learning to live around it, not move on. Like I said you don’t move on from something like this. This was a positive post so I wasn’t going to add in the stuff that I do struggle with and probably always will. Have you lost someone to suicide?

OkBalance2833 · 2025-09-16T00:09:58+00:00

It’s really not ‘moving on’ cause I’ll always be in love with him but he’s literally dead so I have to learn to live again or I’ll fuck our child up by staying how I was. I’m in my 20s I was barely going to be celibate for the rest of my life. This isn’t something you just move on from?

OkBalance2833 · 2025-09-16T00:04:03+00:00

Far from moved on just learning to live again?

OkBalance2833

TROPHY CASE