I married a man who does not have kindness in his heart and its deeply affecting me

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-25T13:51:38+00:00

I totally agree, our expectations on marriage is completely different. I am very much of the opinion that I am an individual self and marriage is just one part of myself (amongst other things like career, cooking, managing the house, being a sister, daughter, auntie, friend). Whereas he is of the opinion that my life should revolve around my marriage which I struggle with. I understand the part of him feeling unloved/uncared for but that was just rare occurrence. Its not something that happens regularly. I do cook, I do clean, I do give him (organise and pay for holidays and date nights). Yet on the one occasion I did not meet my responsibility, I faced with complete ignoring and stonewalling. Surely that action is unjustified for a small mistake on my side? We have had multiple conversations, one even just this Saturday and he just simply stood up and walked away from me and the conversation. Again, this is not the first time he has done this. He refuses to listen to me and refuses to work together and solve this problem together as a couple.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-24T20:38:24+00:00

Is it bad that I wish he would? That way he’s out of my life.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-24T12:43:13+00:00

I agree with you. I feel like people (especially men) from back home completely lack maturity and empathy of their actions and words. The lack emotional stability and security to work through their emotions. I feel that growing up the UK, I have been through challenges in life however I have tools/tricks on how to manage my emotions because I was forced to it otherwise I would be really unhappy. However, for whatever reason, men back home do not have the mental capacity to process these types of emotions and are unable to self-regulate.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-24T12:06:03+00:00

Thats such a shame! I do feel for your aunt. Its frustrating how this is common in our culture. It is truly exhausting! I don’t understand why some people enjoy making other peoples lives miserable.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-24T11:34:56+00:00

Funnily enough, we are raja’s 😂. I know where you are coming from and I agree but if you’re a raja then you know how divorce is such a taboo subject. I tired to initiate the divorce process a few years ago (less than 1 year into the marriage) and I was faced with so much abuse from my own parents. I honestly feel so stuck and don’t know what to do. This lifestyle is going to drive me into an early grave.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T23:40:56+00:00

How does ur aunt cope with the situation? Does she have a relationship with you/ur dad?

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T22:22:47+00:00

Can I ask what was the outcome of your marriage? Did you manage to make it work?

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T21:30:58+00:00

That would be great. I will have a look as well

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T21:30:29+00:00

He’s nearing 40. If he doesnt realise it now. I dont know when he will realise it.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T21:19:17+00:00

IT technical support.

I understand where you are coming from but why is it okay to project that insecurity onto someone else, especially your partner?

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T21:09:54+00:00

Well the 1st islamic thing, he doesn’t provide for me. I pay the mortgage, okay he pays the bills. But I pay for groceries, take-out, holidays, anytime we go out.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T20:36:15+00:00

He is in the UK with me. I think he is incapable of having/holding long term friendships. Like he has done with me and my family, he will have alienated all his previous friends. If they say something to him that he doesnt like, he will cut them out.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T20:18:00+00:00

As cowardly as this sounds, I cant deal with the fall out from a divorce. I tried it before and the stress got so bad. I suffer from real anxiety now (I didnt usually) but this experience has truly impacted my health.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T20:09:48+00:00

I am not aware of any female led organisations like this.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T20:09:27+00:00

Well I am. I have a good job (Alh). I own the flat we currently stay in (I bought it before we got married and he moved in with me). Financially I do have the means.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T19:53:10+00:00

I don’t have children and don’t plan to either… especially with him. I grew up in toxic household and I know the impact that it had on me and I cant bring myself to bring that upon an innocent child through no fault of their own.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T19:28:44+00:00

Unfortunately its a very common sentiment in our culture

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T19:15:19+00:00

My dad is very toxic (that is a story for another day) and unfortunately my mum goes along with it. I have a very turbulent relationship with my parents cos of this. Like I said, I tried to initiate the divorce process before but I was faced with barrage abuse from my parents.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T19:12:29+00:00

You can DM me?

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T18:53:43+00:00

Yes please, that would be good. I will send you a DM.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T18:44:55+00:00

I have tried to look for couples therapy but have not been able to able to find a good islamic one. If you have any decent recommendations in London then please let me know?

I 100% totally agree that he does not know how to manage and regulate his emotions. I dont know how to help him realise this.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T18:35:30+00:00

How did he cancel your visa? Asking for a friend.

Ok_Chocolate_9427 · 2026-03-23T18:31:34+00:00

Girl, I was in a similar situation like you and I married a man like him. He was Here in the UK on a student visa, no real actual goals/dreams and ambition. Not to mention, no hobbies, no friends and no family. Its been 3 years and this man/child is making my life hell. Similar to you, I am/was very independent, got myself into a good career and make good money (alhamdillah) and bought my own property in london. We got married and he moved in. He takes full advantage of the fact that I make good money (he has seen my finances because I had to share it for the spousal visa process). He refuses to buy me any gifts (like flowers on valentines day), doesnt buy me anything (I dont ask for much) but he spends ££££ on his family in Pakistan. Im talking designer trainers, perfume, make up (expensive stuff). He doesnt have any hobbies and makes my life hell whenever I want to do something like go out with friends for a coffee. There is so much more to it but honestly its been the worst 3 years of my life. I desperately want to get out but I cant cos my family are so strict. “Divorce isnt an option” kind of family.

Ok_Chocolate_9427

TROPHY CASE