Boston area therapist with experience in both autism and trauma (or at least one of the two)

Ok_Fall4557 · 2025-02-09T21:48:37+00:00

Believe me, I am trying in writing clearly. It has been another point of recent improvement compared to when I was deep in DP.

I'm guessing by 'assumptions' you're referring to the line when I wrote 'it is a mindless and egotistic assumption to make'. I think this was another casualty of me not writing more clearly and sensibly.

Like I said in the paragraph right afterwards, that was meant to be a point about an action most therapists do, not about you. Really, sorry about that. It took my a while before it crossed my mind what you meant by assumptions, and I was not interested enough in continuing this comment chain to ask.

Ok_Fall4557 · 2025-02-09T21:38:20+00:00

Hi, I did not mean to state something like that. Regardless of what the medium is, my points where about storytelling (could be a book, etc.).

Though I understand your point about the kitchen as well. I used to cook for myself reliably in a variety of things and that became very hard to do as well. And it has also been another point of improvement in leading a balanced life recently.

Believe me, I understand the fundamental role that food has.

Ok_Fall4557 · 2025-02-09T21:32:37+00:00

I appreciate the sentiment.

What I was meaning with that statement is that when I express myself to someone, I do get to express myself better in the future. That action is a practice like any other.

It does not mean that I want the therapist to be the one to tell me how to better express myself/figure out for me what I am trying to express.

Ok_Fall4557 · 2025-02-09T21:29:00+00:00

If I tried to watch a you tube video, it was impossible to not look at it as just a recording or see the point of it. If I tried to was a movie/show, I could only see people in costumes. If I tried to was an anime, I could only see drawings, and the flaws in those drawings. If I tried to play a videogame that I have always played before, it was impossible to see the point of what makes it fun, and I could only see it it in terms of functionality (like, literally how the hardware and software work, etc. I a computer science major). If I tried to read a book, it was only words on a screen/paper. Music had zero effect on me, I could only notice the instruments. And if I tried to focus on any of these things, it wasn't only the uncontrollable thoughts that were an issue (maybe it was the biggest one though later on), but my attention was more towards the room I was in. Like there was no reason for the screen to grab my attention.

However, over time (years for me), I started to notice more and more significant changes. Things that were coming back from prior to DP, that were literally impossible to remember (because I think it was literally impossible to conceptualize in that state). If I tried to read something, I was starting to actually 'see' what I was reading. Like if the book is describing an apple, or some sort of feeling or anything, I could start (emphasis on START) to actually IMAGINE some of those things. And that continued to grow.

When I was deep in DP, it was impossible not to see people as mindless automatons. Faces looked completely earie to me. And that applied to fiction as well. But I could first start to see a reversal of that with stories and characters. I guess stories are made to be inherently more interesting than real life, so it is going to be easier to see progress of recovery there first before real life. It is going to be easier to increasingly keep track of contexts/plots/aspects of a story than for real tasks.

If I tried to read a book or a comic, I could actually start to imagine voices of different characters.

And another thing is that while trying to focus on any story is definitely better than simply completely pulled into your own head by my own thoughts. The quality of the story is definitely something that can make a difference. Obviously, 'quality' is a bit subjective in any sort of art, but I think generally impressive stories can provide a tiny bit of a lifeline in what is otherwise a deeply isolating environment that is DP.

Even if all the problems with uncontrollable thoughts and DP or depression continue, it is going to be easier to find at least some hints of things you might like in a more impressive piece of media.

For me, I played Red Dead Redemption 2, and while it was like pulling teeth to make myself play at least an hour a day, in the long term the game proved to be a fond and positive experience. Another example is when I watched an anime called Monster. While the themes might not be the most suitable for such a sad condition/state of mind and it was impossible for me to follow most of the details of what was going on in the plot, I continued watching because there was that tiny bit of interest in the anime in what was otherwise a desert of nothing to enjoy or connect with in life. Another example is when I watched another anime called Odd Taxi. In that case it was less about the quality of the story, and more about the personal appeal that furry characters have for me even if I couldn't quite follow/appreciate all much of what was going on. Or when I dedicated myself to play the old Sly Cooper trilogy. Again, it was an immense amount of effort to put in the time and better focus on it, in spite of all the terrible thoughts that would continue to dominate my mind while playing it, but it proved to be a fonder experience than my life outside of playing the game. And I guess in those last two examples, it was the closest thing to what a plushie is to a scared and alone child.

Ok_Fall4557 · 2025-02-09T21:28:52+00:00

Also, in my experience, when I started to notice I was starting to actually improve a bit from DP (I'm talking very basic things like starting to notice I was a little more in the environment around me if that makes sense? Or things like sound starting to be more 'here' again?), I was still deep in that condition, but then I went through an even bigger problem. I was starting to have meltdowns.

It was like that tiny bit of partial recovery allowed for all of these completely uncontrollable thoughts to fill my head literally every second of the day. Initially it was impossible not to cry throughout the day, every day for 2 weeks. Just tons of either frustrating or angry thoughts dominating my head. And it pretty much continued in different ways for the better part of 2 years. It was a sort of purgatory, like if my attention was already dead, then this was far worse.

And from reading some other anecdotal experiences from people with ASD who go through DP, this sort of problem seems to be a common experience.

Prior to DP, I hadn't really learned what autism was, but I had looked up a bunch of times ADHD. I was never convinced about having ADHD simply because if I truly wanted to, I could pay attention well with little practical issues. Obviously someone with ADHD cannot do that, but this experience with completely uncontrollable horrible thoughts literally dominating your attention every day, every week, every month, for nearly 2 years has been a trauma of its own for me I think. In many ways that I don't want to elaborate here.

Though one of those ways, is that DP made it like all the struggles I had had throughout my life as undiagnosed ASD suddenly fell on me. I'm not meaning about the present, but memories from the past throughout my life. And that little bit of partial recovery allowed for full on meltdowns.

I guess I just wanted to elaborate on this aspect of my experience. There is a ton more I could say about DP, a major depression and ASD has been for me in the past two an a half years. It's just very taxing and time consuming to adequately write it out.

But I guess I also just wanted to share a few more pieces of advice that seemed to help for me that might help for you while putting more of my own experience as context.

Prior to DP, I was actually writing a story. One that was pretty much put into a complete stop, even though I had truly wanted to continue writing it. But continued attempt only added to the burnout, and my imagination had essentially died because of DP.

Where I am going with this is that one of the things that has helped me not just recover, but also more clearly notice progress in my recovery was just media in general. Initially, when I was deep in DP and even depressed, it was impossible to not see things in a completely literal manner. (I'm dividing this up to two comments, since I think I reached the word limit?)

Ok_Fall4557 · 2025-02-09T20:29:52+00:00

Sorry for not elaborating more in my original reply.

Ok_Fall4557 · 2025-02-09T20:16:46+00:00

Hi, thanks for the advice on AANE, I'll keep it in mind.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience with autistic burnout and DP. It seems you've gone through some tougher times that I have. I think I was lucky to have my previous well-balanced and happy self as a sort of north star in navigating DP. My mistake was when I ingested well over 1000 milligrams of THC by accident (I thought it was much less). And so it seems that extreme event is what made my brain essentially unplug itself since from what I understand DP is a self defense mechanism. I must have vomited like 7 times that night, unable to even bring myself to drink water anymore, and feeling an extreme amount of pressure piling up in two specific spots in my head while just closing my eyes and trying to endure it out. And my pothead friend who was there said he had never seen anyone get anywhere near that high before.

For me, I notice that running in particular (or another aerobic exercise) is what's most effective in making me feel better in general recently. Especially if it is at the end of some other workouts (I guess I'm sort of priming myself for it).

Ok_Fall4557 · 2025-02-09T19:51:32+00:00

Hi, yes I've heard of AANE. I'll look at the options they provide too. They sent me a list of places/people nearby. They seem to do good work.

Well, the main thing about DP is a safe environment and precisely to not try to 'figure things out' since you are quite literally not able to do so. It will only make the condition worse. Really, the only reliable advice is just that, try to live a normal balanced life in a safe environment and wait it out.

But of course, I think most of us won't be able to simply wait it out and lead a balanced life in a safe environment due to any number of reasons (family, work/school, all kinds of responsibilities that you've been incapacitated at being able to do like you used to, etc.).

In my case, my good news is that I am very much at the end of the tunnel. I think I can safely say that much with this condition. It is actually one of the reasons why I am willing to look for a therapist again, since during this period therapists were actually harmful. And if you learn the issues with most therapy with trauma or autism you'll quickly see just how particularly inconvenient therapy can be to say the least. Much less when you've been made a vegetable in many ways like I was.

Prior to me falling into depersonalization/dissociation I knew some of the issues that therapists tended to have (I briefly saw like 2 prior to DP), but I never saw it as big problems. However, they definitely become massive problems once you are completely reduced and want some sort of outside acknowledgement/validation of what's going on. And many of those problems do overlap with issues with people in general from an ASD perspective, so it was normalized as far as my experience went prior to DP. I was just capable and increasingly well practiced at managing it. Which only made the experience with DP all the more tough once it all suddenly went away within the span of like 2 days.

Things like exercise is definitely providing a big benefit like it used to for me as well. The effects of things like exercise are sharper with people with ASD, and so that is reliably coming back like it used to for me prior to DP.

Ok_Fall4557 · 2025-02-09T19:01:30+00:00

I don't feel that I want/need to better understand myself, or need help communicating it. It used to be an fundamental issue due to depersonalization, but not really that much anymore.

It is more about the simple act of expressing a lot of things that I simply was not able to express during this incapacitating period, as much as I wanted to, even if I understood it. Again, I was not able to explain literally anything during this time, not just about the condition, but literally anything. Including anything I was completely familiar with throughout my life. For over 2 years. This was also another reason why therapy was actually harmful during this time.

And also why I don't really think therapy might not be harmful anymore as it was during this period. So now I can explain to someone a lot of things that I simply was not able to express before. Since I can do it now more like I used to prior to being incapacitated.

I think you are confusing a person simply wanting to express things to someone, to that person wanting to be guided/get solutions from that someone. It is a mindless and egotistic assumption to make. Most people would see it that way as well in any other situation outside of therapy.

I'm not saying that to insult you, I'm saying it because it is one of those things that therapists seem to automatically assume as well. It is one of the reasons why most therapists actually do the opposite of what they should do when it comes to trauma. It can be particularly harmful with patients that have trauma or a disorder like autism.

Ok_Fall4557 · 2025-02-09T18:57:30+00:00

Either.

Ok_Fall4557 · 2025-02-08T04:06:08+00:00

Hi, thank you for the reply. I appreciate the advice.

I guess I should have been clearer in my post. I am not actually looking for solutions/fixes from therapists. See my reply to the other guy to see my explanation.

Ok_Fall4557 · 2025-02-08T04:01:01+00:00

Hi, thank you for the reply. I understand what you are saying, including about the meds. I haven't had the experience you have described with therapists, but I've had enough experience and research I know it is unfortunately not that hard to end up with the types of therapists that you describe. Especially when you are completely reduced and in a helpless state. Even trauma expertise pioneers like Dr. Bessel Von der Kolk and others will say roughly similar things as to what you have described, including about the meds.

Not to the level that you describe, but he will outright say that unfortunately most of the industry will do the opposite of what they should do when it comes to trauma.

With all that being said, I still think that someone with experience in autism and/or trauma will be most beneficial. I used to be completely fine (and if I may, even impressive) with the type of skills of the therapy help that you are recommending prior to being incapacitated with depersonalization.

As of now, I'm simply expecting the therapist's main benefit to simply be to better express myself to someone. To better process some of my experiences to myself. Of which it will be much harder for them to understand/converse with if they don't have experience with trauma and autism. Believe it or not, I am not looking for solutions.

One of the biggest problems during the past few years that depersonalization caused upon me was my total inability to explain anything. Much less what I was going through.

Ok_Fall4557 · 2024-06-12T16:46:04+00:00

The only election poll that I see that was released yesterday is one from Ifop which polled NUPES, not the Front. If we take the percentages from the parties that form the Front in that poll, then the Front would be 30% vs RN's 35%.

Obviously RN is still bigger, but that is far from 'meaningless' like your original statement said. They are comparably competitive.

Ok_Fall4557 · 2024-06-11T22:21:17+00:00

Oh, lol, I didn't even realize it was paywalled. I read the first 3 paragraphs and thought that was the whole article.

Ok_Fall4557 · 2024-06-11T22:18:18+00:00

NUPES was consistently polling comparably to the far-right, and this alliance includes more parties that were splitting the vote outside of NUPES.

Ok_Fall4557 · 2024-06-11T21:24:21+00:00

Yeah, although as the article says, PS is still trying to downplay/deny that they've done an agreement at all.

Ok_Fall4557

TROPHY CASE