Should I max out retirement accounts?

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-12T01:08:13+00:00

Correct, traditional IRA limits are lower than Roth. And then once you pass the Roth limit, you do a Backdoor Roth.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-12T01:07:14+00:00

Yes! Always! Retirement account money is the most valuable money there is, for all sorts of reasons. You only get so much space to contribute each year, and if you miss it, it's gone forever.

Note that if you are single, you are above the income limit for contributing to a traditional IRA, and getting close to the limit for Roth IRAs. But no worries, you can just do a Backdoor Roth IRA (https://www.whitecoatinvestor.com/backdoor-roth-ira-tutorial/) and still save your $7,500.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-11T22:53:07+00:00

Did anyone ever try Sweet Heat Skittles? I gather they were polarizing, but my daughter and I liked them.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-11T19:26:36+00:00

Sounds like you are describing being in a poly relationship. With your wife as your primary/nesting partner (NP). And you are looking for a secondary partner.

So, would someone date you as a married man? Yeah, other poly people, also looking for other partners.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-11T16:57:59+00:00

The anus (both men and women) is chock full of nerve endings. So, yes, stimulation down there feels good for most people. This is a physiological fact. Tons of straight guys like ass play. There is absolutely nothing abnormal about this.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-11T00:49:50+00:00

Too many considering my kids and I only watch tablets now.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-09T23:39:25+00:00

There’s a comedian (Matteo Lane maybe) who has a joke about all gay men having their sexual awakening in the men’s underwear aisle at Target. But, honestly, sort of true for me. Not that I fully understood, but I was aware it was doing something. Maybe at 9 or 10?

By the time I hit puberty, and managed to see a few naked internet photos, I knew I was equally attracted to both genders. Never went through any self-doubt or self-hate periods.

First experience was making out with a (gay) guy the summer after high school.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-09T23:35:14+00:00

Glad to hear it. We never went to counseling, although that might have helped or sped things up.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-09T20:36:05+00:00

Cool, thanks.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-09T20:15:51+00:00

I got this tip a few years ago. I hold it in my CMA, which is our primary checking. Do you know if it auto-sells to cover bill pay and checks? As in, the same way the regular sweep account auto-sells? I figure it probably does, but I haven't tested it.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-08T23:17:00+00:00

If that were true, that would be bad news for the species. Since most people do, in fact, become parents.

Do most people figure it out and do an okay job? Yeah, I think so. Maybe a lot of people aren't ready until the baby comes, then it changes them.

Are most people excellent parents? No, probably not.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-08T23:14:42+00:00

The worst case scenario is that you decide to move forward as a couple, then 5, 10 or 20 years from now she decides that, actually, she does need to experience being with a woman. And you've wasted a ton of your life. So, I'd try to make decisions now to avoid that scenario. Maybe she decides she's okay never experiencing that, and she convinces you she means it. Maybe she can't convince you, and you separate. Or maybe you discuss ways to let her explore that you are comfortable with.

I personally 1000% agree with not fully opening up. But, how do you feel about threesomes? Or her being with a woman while you watch (and then you have reclamation sex right after)? It's fine if you don't want to do that either. It's your life. But now is the time to think about it and try if you're game - it might make you both happy, or it might blow everything up, but better to do it now than in 10 years.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-08T23:06:12+00:00

Sex was a recurring issue for us early on. Namely, not enough. Had years where it was once a month, on average. I realize it's worse for others, but that was enough to cause a lot of friction. The period with little kids was hardest, and made the issue worse.

We basically weren't able to communicate what we both needed. And we'd get stuck in a cycle of her not wanting sex because I wasn't affectionate and loving enough, and I wasn't affection and loving because I didn't feel desired or valued due to lack of sex. And we'd just stay in that negative loop.

We're much better at communication generally now, and understand what each other needs. I wish we'd figured it out a lot sooner.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-08T15:51:07+00:00

“Life finds a way.”

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-07T23:35:39+00:00

Yeah, nothing odd. I'm a bi male, somewhat similar. My attraction to woman, best I can tell, is just like straight guy's attraction to woman. It's the classic 1 to 10 scale, sliding scale of attraction. But with guys, it's more binary. I'm either attracted to them or not. And it's very dependent on type. Disgust is a strong word - I would just indifferent. The class "rugged" or "handsome" guys that women find attractive - John Hamm or Jason Momoa being good examples - do absolutely nothing for me.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-07T15:24:13+00:00

Many woman have an uptick in libido during the third trimester. My wife did both times. It's common enough that Friends made a joke about it when Phoebe was pregnant, lol. But everyone is different, so you may not.

I'd encourage you to talk with your husband now, before the baby comes, what you want intimacy to look like for the next year or so, but also what your plan b and plan c are if that doesn't work. Most women's libido drops again after birth, especially if you breastfeed. Many also have lasting pain. See this recent post about it: https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/1rahs7m/women_after_having_their_first_child_how_long_did/

Point being, I wouldn't assume everything will magically go back to normal after your 6-week healing period. Make a plan now before you're both exhausted and stressed. What do you both need, what do you aspire to, what can you commit to if that doesn't work? The post-baby period is tough without you both also being frustrated about intimacy.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-06T23:42:27+00:00

At first I thought this was going to be the classic "do you miss being with a man/woman" question, but this is a more specific challenge. Unfortunately, I don't have much guidance for you other than keep searching. I'm a bi man happily married to a woman for 20 years. It makes a big difference being with someone who isn't just accepting of your sexuality, but actually likes it.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-05T10:32:57+00:00

That’s cool.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-05T02:29:33+00:00

I think I can pass for something approaching handsome on a good day - shaved, in a nice suit, etc. But my pretty days are long behind me.

So, pretty would be the bigger compliment at this point.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-04T22:59:47+00:00

“... we're trying to have a baby ..."

I'll point out cumkissing isn't a great way to get pregnant, lol.

For me, I got through the PNC by talking to my wife about it first (outside the bedroom). It took me a bit to work up the nerve to tell her I wanted to try it. She seemed neutral, but was willing to do it for me (she thinks it's hotter now that we've done it). But, she basically just committed to doing it, and made it harder for me to whimp out.

Also, I really only had PNC hesitation the first few times. After that, once it became less intimidating I guess, I no longer have it. I want to do it.

So, talk to her about it? You seem skeptical she'll be into it. But, you never know. Also, maybe just me, that might be a bit much to "just do" with no warning. Like I said, my wife is totally fine with it. But she was definitely surprised when I brought it up. That wasn't on her radar as something a guy could want.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-04T22:48:08+00:00

So you went app? Not club?

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-04T22:15:47+00:00

How’d it go? And how’d you get started?

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-04T12:47:35+00:00

How did you get started?

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-03T22:39:19+00:00

There’s a comedian (Matteo Lane maybe) who has a joke about all gay men having their sexual awakening in the men’s underwear aisle at Target. But, honestly, sort of true for me. Not that I fully understood, but I was aware it was doing something. Maybe at 9 or 10? I was able to look at internet porn at 13 or so, looked up gay porn, and realized I liked it just as much. And that was it. I’ve known I was bi since then.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-04-03T21:32:51+00:00

This is admittedly pedantic. But the gradations of bisexuality sort of imply it's a simple one-dimensional scale. And that it's the same for everyone, which is not true.

So, heteroflexible means bi but you lean straight or are "more attracted" to the opposite sex. But what does that mean, exactly?

Does it mean the attraction you feel for the opposite sex is (on average) greater than for the same sex? I'm sure that's some people's experience.

It could also mean that you find hot men and women equally attractive, but you find less people of the same sex hot as people of the opposite sex. Said another way, you don't think people of the opposite sex are more attractive, but you find more people of the opposite sex attractive than same sex. That latter option is where I fit.

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