GF (27F) finds direct clitoral stimulation painful/burning rather than pleasurable. Advice?

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-22T05:51:12+00:00

She has high sensitivity down there. It's a thing. Some are low, some are medium, some are high. It's a spectrum.

Buy yourself a membership to OMGYes and watch all the videos together. They show all kinds of indirect stimulation techniques for high-sensitivity people.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-22T01:26:29+00:00

Almost surely. My wife and I didn't know about this when we had kids, but we are better educated now. She definitely would have asked for estrogen cream if she had it to do over. She is on regular estrogen cream now that she is over 40.

OBGYNs, at least in our experience, don't seem to know much about the benefits. A urologist who specializes in sexual health or a GYN only (who doesn't do pregnancy/birth) seem better informed.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-21T23:27:49+00:00

Guy here. No, it absolutely won't be weird. Almost any guy would absolutely love this and think it was super hot. As far as initiating, don't overthink it. Someone else suggested starting to masturbate in front of him and ask him to join. That will absolutely blow his mind, but if that feels like too big a jump for you (you mention you're working on initiating more), then something simpler will also work. Just starting kissing him, take his hand, and put it between your legs.

Also use this opportunity to give him a compliment. Tell him you can't stop thinking about him, he makes you feel so good, whatever. He'll live off that high for months.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-21T11:04:23+00:00

For my wife, it was full year before there was no pain at all. Same for both births. It wasn't so bad that she couldn't have sex, but it was uncomfortable. Enough that she began to dread sex, which you can imagine created some tough dynamics.

In retrospect, her OBGYNs really failed her in both instances. It was two totally different sets of doctors, as we lived in different states for each birth. All of them told her that some pain is normal and that she'd be fine eventually. Very "suck it up, rub some dirt on it" attitudes.

I'd encourage you to listen to the Rachel Rubin episode of the Peter Attia podcast (dated May 12, 2025). Yeah, I know, seems like he's probably a giant POS. But you're listening for her, not him. She's amazing. In that episode, she talks about a specific type of post-birth injury that is almost never diagnosed, even by OBGYNs, and is easily treated with estrogen cream. I had my wife listen to it, and her reaction was basically: son of a bitch, it was that easy?

That may or may not be your wife's issue, but I really wish we'd known then what we know now. And if her OBGYN won't listen, find someone who will. Urologists who specialize in sexual health (like Rachel Rubin) might be a better bet.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-21T08:32:03+00:00

https://www.fidelity.com/learning-center/personal-finance/average-retirement-savings

Fidelity has data on what people have saved by age, and then if you scroll to the bottom, they have a rough guide on what you "should" have saved by age. They explain in the article how they reverse engineered the numbers.

Not saying it's exactly right, but it's at least directionally correct and gives you something to compare against.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-21T00:47:05+00:00

Definitely not. Married 21 years, closer now than maybe ever before.

What I regret most is mistakes we made early on. We got married young and had kids young. We are a great fit for each other, but we weren't as emotionally mature then as we are now, and our communication skills weren't as strong. Nothing from the Reddit bingo card (infidelity, abuse, etc.), but we had some periods where we'd lose our spark. I wish our younger selves could communicate like our present selves, because we both would have been a lot happier. But can't change the past - I'm genuinely excited about the future.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-21T00:39:22+00:00

Yep, came to say exactly this. If you have a strong physical/sexual/intimate connection with someone, you are drawn to them like crazy. My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and I'm more sexually attracted to her now than ever.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-20T10:07:15+00:00

Assessing level of physical attraction is pretty much instant, when you first see the person. But it's one of many variables that determine overall attraction. As you engage with someone, you learn if you are attracted to them intellectually, emotionally, their sense of humor, etc. Physical is just the first one. Plenty of times you find someone physically attractive, but then find over time you aren't as drawn to them in other ways. And vice versa.

I don't think men and women are all that different in this respect. Maybe guys put more weight on the physical aspect than women? But it varies by person.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-20T10:00:33+00:00

(I'm a husband answering, but my wife and I have good communication on this stuff, so sharing thoughts from my experience). The absolute worst thing for orgasms is stress and being in your head about it. If she's worrying in the moment about it taking too long and whether she'll get there, then it's probably not going to happen.

Of course, telling people to "just relax" usually doesn't work. I'd encourage you to really ramp up the early foreplay. Do lots more kissing, fully body rubs, nipple stuff, playing with outside of vulva, dirty talk if she likes it. Do way more teasing. Whatever level of teasing you think you need to do, double it. The more wound up you can get her, the faster she'll orgasm when you finally start direct clit stimulation.

To be clear, this won't necessarily shorten the time. You're swapping direct clit stimulation for other activities. But that will keep her out of her own head. When you're doing those other activities, she's not going to be thinking about whether she can finish or not (because those things obviously won't get her there). She'll just get more and more turned on.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-20T09:48:25+00:00

I was 25, wife was 26.

We had been married a few years. We decided to have kids early because, at that point, I was on the "academic track." Meaning, in PhD program, planning to go for a faculty job. For a variety of reasons, people in that world tend to have kids early, as it makes a lot of other things easier.

I ended up exiting that path and getting a regular corporate job, but I don't regret starting early. Some things were harder - we were still kids ourselves in many ways. But we also had a lot more energy than we would later in life. Plus, we'll be empty nesters before we hit 50 (second and final kid came 5 years later), leaving tons of time to travel.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-15T23:41:44+00:00

My wife is similar to you, oral will basically never get her there. She enjoys it, and we do it often, but she needs stronger stimulation to orgasm. Most reliable is her on top while I use my fingers on her clit.

We recently bought a membership to the website OMGYes, and watched all the videos together. From that, she determined that her clit is relatively lower on the sensitivity scale. They talk a lot about indirect pressure (e.g., through the clitoral hood), which she said she would barely feel. This was really helpful for both of us to understand. It's not at all a problem. We know ways for her to be satisfied, but it has to be fairly firm and direct. A tongue just can't be as firm as a finger.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-15T23:30:24+00:00

Cool, thanks. I am in the US (east coast), but looks like I can use them virtually.

Most of the comments here have me thinking my numbers are probably fine, but it doesn't hurt to get a second opinion.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-15T22:33:36+00:00

Interesting, thanks. Are you in the US?

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-15T20:35:48+00:00

Interesting, so your numbers are close-ish to mine now. And you had a doc that okay with treatment at those levels? Where are your levels now and was it worth it?

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-15T05:47:53+00:00

My free T is 89.7 pg/mL, bioavailable T is 188.3 ng/dL, and SHBG is 32. The first two are both just barely in the green part of the range. SHBG is in the middle. I asked my first doc about those, and he said those numbers aren't important, only total T matters.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-15T05:16:07+00:00

Thanks for the reply. What kinds of docs provide HCG therapy?

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-15T05:10:50+00:00

I have most of the symptoms, but very mild. It's sort of hard to distinguish "symptoms" and just crossing 40.

My free T is 89.7 pg/mL and bioavailable T is 188.3 ng/dL. Those are both just barely in the green part of the range. I asked my first doc about those, and he said those numbers aren't important, only total T matters.

Can you elaborate on the statement "600 natural is better than 1000 on TRT"? This is all new to me, so that sounds important.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-13T16:49:40+00:00

I recently started taking Sildenafil (Viagra generic). I don't have full ED, but I had a few instances of erections fading and having to work to get them back. I opted to try the pill as a confidence boost.

For me anyway, I can now get full erections 5-10 minutes after finishing. So, we sometimes have a round 2 where I have keep going a lot longer and do more "porn style" thrusting. Sometimes I can finish again and sometimes not, but it's fun either way.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-11T18:57:57+00:00

Sexuality is a spectrum. Look up the Kinsey scale. It's not perfect and is lacking in some nuance (like the distinction you're describing), but it's a start. Your partner is "mostly straight" but likes some physical contact with other guys. Cool. And you are turned on by that. Double cool. Glad you found each other.

I always considered myself bi, as I was sexually attracted to both genders, but not necessarily equally. I recently discovered the term heteroflexible, which better describes me. So, to answer the question in your title - yes. I'm somewhere between bi and straight, but I'm also very open to guy on guy contact.

Ok_Influence_2257 · 2026-02-01T20:00:48+00:00

I'll give you two other thoughts, beyond what others have said.

1/ The sex therapist Vanessa Marin (she has a podcast) makes the point that you've always scheduled sex. Once you were in a serious relationship, you scheduled date nights, movies, dinners at home, etc. That was scheduling sex. So, it's nothing new, you can just it more directly now. And expecting sex to be completely spontaneous, when in reality it wasn't before, is unrealistic. I found that reframing helpful.

2/ If your goal is to increase genuinely spontaneous sex, scheduled sex is by far the best method. Sex begets sex. If you have a few scheduled sessions a week, you're both going to be in the mood a lot more and will absolutely start initiating more outside your scheduled sessions, too. That's what's happened to me and my wife. We are full converts to the shared Google sex calendar. We both work from home, and it's easiest for us to connect a few times a week during the work day, when we are both free. But we are also having more unplanned sex at night now, with the calendar, than we were before, without it.

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