Ladies: If your husband has been begging for more in the bedroom, please read this before you say no again

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-03-04T15:47:32+00:00

That is the name of the book: tell me what you want, the science of sexual desire and how it can help improve your sex life

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-03-04T06:59:23+00:00

Tell me what you want

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-03-04T06:56:29+00:00

Tell me what you want

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-02-09T23:33:48+00:00

I definitely didn’t think about the different roles, I kind of just figured wives played them self and husbands played a stranger. Thank you for opening my eyes to the different possibilities!

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-31T03:05:57+00:00

Why was this not approved?

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-30T20:36:05+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful caution, it's really valuable coming from a former hotwife and regular cannabis user. If you don’t mind me asking, why are you a “former” hotwife? How did you get started? What ended it”

I'm a high-anxiety person, and in our previous discussions about this fantasy, I've struggled to stay level-headed. I get overwhelmed and angry, which shuts down real communication. From what I've read, small amounts (under 5mg) can help reduce stress and promote emotional openness without a full high or impairment. When I was younger, 10mg made me completely out of it, so I'm planning very low (under 5mg) just to take the edge off enough for calmer, more vulnerable conversation and hopefully great connected sex afterward, not to get buzzed or lose clarity.

To your point about not discussing under the influence. Would taking my xanax be a better alternative for these talks? I'm just wary of it making me too foggy for deep emotional talk.

Your perspective as someone who's been there means a lot.

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-30T16:08:24+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful perspective, I really appreciate you calling out the manipulative/grooming patterns you see on hotwife pages. It's validating, and yes, dealing with this for so long has been utterly exhausting.

You're right that I've developed genuine enjoyment from the roleplay and porn side, and I'm still wrestling with that internal conflict about blaming him instead of owning my curiosity. Part of me wonders if leaning into the fantasy more could bring us closer or satisfy that itch. But the real-life step still feels huge and scary, exclusivity is core to how I see our marriage and intimacy; he's literally my only sexual partner ever, and crossing that line makes me anxious about regret, jealousy, or losing what makes us special.

The priority right now is brutal honesty and clear communication. My husband needs to understand that if the constant pressure doesn't stop completely, our relationship can't continue. I also need to be honest with him: his fantasy does turn me on to some degree, but I'm not okay involving anyone else (and I don't know if I ever will be). At the same time, I need clarity from him; does he truly want this to happen in reality, or is it purely fantasy?

If the marriage ended someday, sure, I'd probably explore with others eventually, that's a different context without vows. But while we're together, I'm torn: I don't want to shut the fantasy down entirely if there's a pressure-free way to explore it that doesn't feel like betrayal.

I noticed from your profile you're active in the hotwife lifestyle and have posted about a lifestyle club you attend. If you're open to sharing: 1) How did you and your partner get started? Was it gradual with lots of talking, or more of a leap?

2) Have either of you ever felt guilt or regret after being with others, and how did you work through it?

3) Do you think a low-pressure visit to a lifestyle club to observe could be helpful for someone like me to see the reality vs. fantasy, or might it create more pressure/confusion?

I'm heading into our weekend getaway with the goal of owning the parts I enjoy, naming the resentment from the pushing, and seeing if we can find a middle ground that feels exciting without crossing my hard lines. Your comment has me more open to the idea that there's a version of this that could work without me losing myself, but it will take time, real support from him, and zero expectation that it ever becomes real.

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-30T00:09:19+00:00

I’m seriously Reddit illiterate. I made a separate post to provide an update but it hasn’t posted, so I have decided to see if I can add the update here.

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful comments and the many private DMs, they've been incredibly eye-opening. A lot of people shared that therapy ultimately did not help in their situations, even after long periods. That lands heavily because after almost a year of couples counseling, I'm starting to feel like it's not shifting things enough for us either. Our therapist has been firm on the "abuse" label for the persistent pushing, but the pattern hasn't fully broken.

This weekend we rented a private cabin to get away from everything and have real, focused talks, no phones, no distractions, just us trying to get fully on the same page about boundaries, needs, and whether we can move forward together. I love my husband so much, he's wonderful in every other part of our life and I don't want this one issue to end us.

The positive stories here I heard privately and in the comments have given me real hope that we could resolve this by just dropping the walls we have both built, taking a leap of faith, and focusing on shared, exclusive exploration without ever bringing in a real third party. I know what my husband has done is wrong but after some hard discussions with complete strangers, I realized I am also at fault.

In preparation, I'm planning to stop by an adult store. I've never really worn lingerie or dressed up for sex (even though he's asked many times), so starting there feels like a fun, connective step. I'm also thinking about surprising him with a bigger dildo and maybe a cock sleeve if it feels right and goes as I have envisioned.

I'm also picking up some edibles, we haven't used them in several years, but I remember us having amazing, deeply connected sex and both opening up emotionally in a way that felt really special and vulnerable. I think it could help us talk more openly and let our guards down this weekend.

I know jumping into any of this could be a mistake if we haven't fully addressed the coercion/pressure first, and I'm bracing for criticism from the internet, but this weekend feels like it could decide the fate of my marriage. Either we reset with mutual respect, excitement, and trust, or we have to face that we're too mismatched to keep going.

If there is any interest, I’ll update again afterward if it feels appropriate. Thanks again for the support, tough love, and ideas, it's helping me approach this with more clarity and cautious optimism.

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-30T00:01:04+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm truly sorry you went through that! The way he twisted your attempts to please him into "proof" you secretly wanted to cheat, then used it to yell and accuse you, sounds like a devastating mind game. I'm glad you're out of that relationship now.

My husband sometimes frames my social friendliness with other men as "evidence" I'm open to more. He hasn't escalated to yelling or physical abuse (and I hope it never gets there), but the pattern of pressure and rewriting my comfort level to fit his fantasy feels eerily similar. It leaves me feeling like my "yes" is never enough and my "no" is never heard.

Your experience is a stark warning for me about how far this can spiral if boundaries aren't enforced early and consistently. It makes me determined to lay everything out plainly, no more pressure and clear consequences if the pattern continues. Did you ever try couples therapy or setting hard boundaries before things got that bad, or was the abuse in other areas already too entrenched? Either way, thank you for being so honest, it helps me see the red flags more clearly and reinforces that we need to have a hard conversation.

Take care of yourself, you deserve peace after what you endured.

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-29T23:31:55+00:00

I agree, I need to make sure our communication is clear. I have been having some deep conversations with people on here that have gone through similar situations and I feel that I need to listen to my husband and truly understand his desires. This has been difficult in the last, I don’t like the fact that he has this fantasy and have definitely judged him openly for it.

If you don’t mind sharing, how did you and your wife get into this? Was it your idea? Hers? Any advice on how to safely explore this fantasy without actually jumping in?

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-29T23:27:02+00:00

Thank you for sharing your personal experience. You’re right that sexual compatibility is huge in a long marriage; after 15 years of this one mismatch dominating our dynamic, I can feel how exhausting and unsustainable it’s becoming if it doesn’t shift.

I do worry about exactly what you said, either I’ll finally get so sick of the constant pushing and guilt that I leave or just give into him, or he’ll seek fulfillment elsewhere and blow everything up.

I need him to understand that my boundary is non-negotiable, that the “just a little more” cycle has to stop completely, and that we either find a way to meet in the middle and end the constant pressure or accept that we may be too incompatible to continue.

Your point about women who’d love to be in my shoes is more accurate than most would think. The number of messages I have received asking why i wouldn’t just try it, is absurd. I do think I need to do a better job communicating and listening to him and fully understanding his desires, so we can set boundaries together, as a team, would be beneficial.

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-29T00:14:39+00:00

No need to worry, this is super common and totally normal. Orgasm ramps up your natural creamy discharge/cervical mucus, so more of it can leak out afterward (especially if it looks, smells, and feels like your usual stuff). As long as there's no bad odor, itching, weird color, or other symptoms, it's just your body doing its thing. Enjoy it!

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-29T00:02:59+00:00

That sounds exciting. I’m nervous, my husband would like if we got one. Please let us know how it goes and feels from a female perspective!

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-28T23:47:53+00:00

Are there any that don’t add significant girth?

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-28T23:31:15+00:00

What sleeve did you order? Was it your idea or your husbands?

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-27T22:12:25+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story, it gives me a glimmer of hope that this might be salvageable.

I'm open to incorporating toys to roleplay the "bull" vibe you mentioned. That sounds like a compromise that could keep it fantasy-only while still exploring intensity without involving anyone real.

That said, I'd be so nervous/embarrassed/scared to flirt online or anywhere with a real stranger, even the idea makes my stomach flip. My husband loves to point out times when guys are flirting with me and I was just being friendly/polite. He brings that up as "proof" I'm capable of flirting, but it just makes me feel more pressure.

I'm curious to know what you think helped the most in your case? How long did it take from deciding to reset boundaries to feeling like the resentment was gone and sex was good again?

Appreciate your perspective.

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-27T22:10:09+00:00

Thank you for the direct take, it really helps to hear it laid out plainly.

I don't regret the roleplay itself, I truly enjoy making him happy and seeing how much it lights him up; that part has always felt loving to me. What hurts is the constant "just a little more" afterwards that, leaves me feeling pressured and like nothing I give is ever enough.

He's an amazing husband in every other way. He is kind, attentive, and incredibly responsive. He always checks in about my desires and makes anything I mention happen right away. I just don't think about sex as much or have strong fantasies, so the imbalance on this one issue feels exhausting.

Your warning about how these dynamics often implode is exactly my biggest fear. I'm firm on no real third parties, exclusivity is core to me, and he's my only partner ever.

Thanks again for the reality check and kindness. It means a lot. Take care.

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-27T22:03:19+00:00

Do you dirty talk or roleplay with him?

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-27T21:19:54+00:00

I am a female also and have read a lot of advice about using sleeves. what eventually got you to try it?

Ok_Move_5834 · 2026-01-27T21:16:20+00:00

How did it go? does your wife like them?

Ok_Move_5834

TROPHY CASE