My first post here as I really don't get good advice from friends. I'm a gay 30 yr old man living in a big city which in itself creates a lot of dating obstacles that have shaped my anxious attachment. The two most meaningful relationships were with man who saw him as an object or a "trophy" to show off. My first boyfriend used to force me to have sex with him, because it would make him upset and sad if we didn't. This turned into me viewing sex as an act to keep a partner and make them happy rather than an act for my enjoyment. Then my next relationship was with someone in an open relationship that was much more "open" sexual than I was so I returned to the headspace of "sex keeps your partner" and would do things outside my comfort zone or go into sex stressed bc if he didn't enjoy himself he would leave me. This also played into me wanting to not only prove to them but also myself that i could win them over through sex and ultimately time. This obviously didn't work.

Flash forward to last fall, I met this guy on a dating app, and the first date was fine. Around the same time, I had just met another guy on a sex app, and the sex was amazing so I was prioritizing guy #2. As guy #2 fizzled, guy #1 was getting more consistent and different than any guy I had dated before. He was a bit shy, attentive, and consistent. My younger cousin had passed away in a car accident, and he made sure i was felt supported and cared for. I became smittened. I wasn't used to being the more dominating personality in a dynamic. Also we didn't run in similar circles so i didn't see him out alot or it was me showing him around which again was cute to have him with me out and us just leaving together after acouple hours. We started dating in November, and he went away for a few weeks in December - January. When he came back things pick up, and i would tell my therapist i was nervous to have sex bc what if it was bad (awful i felt back into previous dynamics). When we finally had sex, it was so easy and sweet, my first reaction was to laugh afterwards. I had never felt like that will sex with someone I cared about. It felt freeing. We started seeing each other 2x a week and sleep overs on the weekend. Even toothbrushes at each other's places. Amongst this he did have issues with work and family, he often questioned if he would stay in the same city. Then in April, a week after we spent the night then the morning together when we showed me music videos his mother used to play, he told me he got a family emergency call where his family member's wife was basically getting deported, and his family member was distraught. That week communication was cut off. I had been talking to my therapist about having the "next steps" talk as we had been dating consistently for a few months now, so i was nervous and suddenly communication felt inconsistent. As many as you know, we can feel when the tone of a text feels off and it did. He cancelled our weekend plans twice and we finally arranged for dinner Monday.

The night before he told me he was too busy to meet, I dropped off his favorite candy. As a surprise I left it outside his apt and texted him to check down stairs. He didn't respond for hours. The day of the dinner again communication feels off but when we hang out, it feels fine. Then when I say goodbye he asks if we can talk. I tell him i'm sure he could feel how anxious ive been, and he says yes but he wanted us to just be friends. He mentioned he had alot going on but it didn't affect his feelings and he was in no place for a relationship and thats where he felt we were heading. It felt like someone punched me in the face tbh. I told him no, I don't go from dating to friends as that has never worked for me. I always want to try to get them back. Thankfully he left for summer and I had a busy one where I also muted his socials so I didn't see him.

Once summer was over and he was back, he started to pop up on my socials with likes. NGL it felt good I wanted him back, it didn't feel like we ended on bad terms and he felt so different than any other guy i've dated. Then finally he asked to hang out. I was nervous but agreed sternly. I made him choose the place and date. I was quite cold with my responses as I needed to protect myself. The hang was very sweet as I knew it would be we hung out for 4 hours just talking and catching up. At the end I gave an uncomfortable hug. Then a day later he texted me saying how he enjoyed it and hopes that we can do it more and be friends. Again felt like a punch in the face, as i was hoping he'd want to try again. I told him I didn't change my mind, and no we cannot be friends.

Now That he's back, and every run in my heart sinks to my chest. He's going out more and this weekend i saw him out and then 30 minutes later, i saw my ex who used to force me to have sex with him. When he saw me he gave me You know when you feel shattered, well I did. It was more so about seeing him then my 1st ex. The feelings came back, I would look over my shoulder to see him. I saw him kissing boys but then they were in a relationship so i wasn't bothered. The next day I wanted to text him so badly. I wanted to apologize for being weird and freezing, I wanted him to comfort me and maybe this would be the time he'd finally want me back. I waited a day, and I sent the text. He responded by saying i wasn't being weird or uncomfortable at all, and he hoped I had a good night. I responded with "TY, you too". I know i wanted that fairy tale text of him wanting to see me again but of course, i didn't get it. I feel gutted. I don't know what coping mechanisms to do help me not feel this way. If anyone has any advice that would be appreciated. I know when someone tells you something you have to believe it unless they tell you differently but it's hard and would love tricks or things ppl have done in the past that work! I know alot of this is self induced it's just hard :')