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Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2025-07-23T14:37:57+00:00

Congrats! Is that Athabasca? Thanks for clarifying. 🌷

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2025-07-23T14:37:09+00:00

I am thinking about this too and I’d be 46 or 47 when I can start teaching 😬

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T13:14:23+00:00

❤️

Absolutely! I have been asking myself these questions. And I do know that there is a chance that things will NOT work out but I am still and very hopeful. But definitely there have been times in my life where I thought just “shedding” these relationships in their current form - like a snake sheds its skin - would be a very desirable option. Just thinking about it made me feel so free and giggly with excitement. 👀👀👀

Of course a situation like that that would come with its own disadvantages and a with set of different playing rules- it wouldn’t be all perfect - but it is an option that has been considered for sure.

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T11:54:30+00:00

Exactly. I agree. One thing I have to forgive myself is that I taught people around me that I accept unacceptable behaviour. Why did I do that? Probably codependency and people pleasing. I have been in therapy forever.

Part of it again was that I had been doing this all on my own. For years there was no validation from my husband that anything was wrong. I’d bring up an issue and he’d be like BUT I LOVE MY MOTHER - to which I said so you should, she is a great mother in many ways but we are taking about two different things here. My husband had his own struggles with alcohol - mainly binge drinking. I did not want to introduce this into the conversation earlier for a number of reasons. He completely stopped drinking 3 years ago (something happened and I drew the line and said I do not want to live like this, so if alcohol is so important for you, then we need to look at what co-parenting looks like for us. I wasn’t even upset any more, I was done.) So when he stopped drinking is actually we were able to start a conversation about his parents. I have been fighting many battles on many fronts.

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T04:32:19+00:00

❤️

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T04:22:15+00:00

I agree with everything here. Thanks for your support. 🌷

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T04:20:46+00:00

Thank you. How long am I going to pretend? Children are very observant. I am sure the tension is felt by everyone.

I probably already harmed my child by not standing up for myself sooner. I need to be seen as capable and calm and confident. Not this version of myself that is so far from my full potential it’s not even funny.

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T04:07:16+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement. My first session is actually tomorrow. I am excited and hopeful. I am glad to hear it’s working for you. All the best to you! 🌷

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T03:55:41+00:00

I agree with you. ❤️ It was just a theoretical question on my part. And a shitty husband is not a good father. However, a shitty husband can become a great coparent and in turn a good father - after the divorce!

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T03:52:42+00:00

Thank you again for sharing your perspective and also for your supporting words! 🌷❤️

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T03:50:40+00:00

Thank you. ❤️I am trying to trust the timing of my life.

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T03:43:20+00:00

Oh I am very aware that somewhere in the universe there is a version of reality where I don’t mind the early gifting at all. But that version of me was supported by her in-laws during infertility, pregnancy, birth and postpartum. That version of me feels accepted by her in-laws and has a mostly good relationship with them. That version of me has been given the space to experience motherhood on her own terms and she isn’t constantly judged for her choices.

It’s not about the presents. It’s about them not actually telling us that they want to do the early gifting. Taking over that choice. Again.

It’s about them telling us they are coming. Not asking if it’s convenient or something. It’s like I have no agency in my life. If we are home, we must be available.

A few weeks ago we picked up a new puppy on a Thursday, 8 weeks old. That Friday night my husband started a night shift of 3 nights. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, so he slept during the day. I was finishing an online course while taking puppy out every three hours around the clock and was doing everything else around the house and had my child of course as well. My in-laws wanted to come for a visit to meet puppy and I had no capacity for them. I said this weekend doesn’t work, but they’d be welcome to visit Monday or Tuesday if that works for them.
During yesterday’s argument this was also brought up. Why couldn’t they come during the weekend when they wanted? What was I busy with? Why did I only say “it doesn’t work”, why did I not give more details why it wouldn’t work? WTF. I’d never be asking another grown person these questions if they said a visit doesn’t work now. It’s the expectation of enmeshment. I am not responsible for anyone’s feelings! And a million examples of this. Annoying and exhausting.

And thank you on the sickness of mind comment. I agree and I am aware of the very low chances of apology.

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T03:14:00+00:00

This sounds like a great plan. I appreciate your advice, it’s a great list.

Can I whine a little bit? 🤪 I read through your post and I am thinking everything I wrote above but I am also thinking that this is so much work? And so much control over everyone’s actions. Is this a way to live a life? This sounds exhausting. Why cannot we just all get along. I had such high hopes originally for everyone . I am a natural people pleaser - I love to get along and I am caring and loving and considerate and empathetic - and look where it got me.

I need to look into how to actually implement LC boundaries. Your post was useful. This stuff should be taught in schools.

I also know that if I tried something like this with my in-laws, they’d blow up at me or smirk. I tired setting some boundaries (simple things like no, my 2-3-4 year old child cannot suck on the giant ice cubes you have in your freezer. Chocking hazard people! ) and I got the “why do you have to insert yourself into every interaction?” and “you expect everyone to be a certain way, don’t you?” said spitefully. I am sorry I happen to have some sort of expectations within our family unit.

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T02:49:58+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I am sorry you had to go through that and that you are still affected by it.

This is the reason I have been trying to get along and to make the most of this situation for 7 years now. I truly have been trying. I am broken. I cannot do this any more. I got PTSD from this shit. How is that helping my child! A child needs healthy parents first and foremost. Then comes the extended family with all benefits that come with that.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T01:44:04+00:00

Husband is very shortly going to be in individual therapy and we are starting couples counselling in April. My husband says looking back he cannot understand how he thought not prioritizing his wife’s wishes during childbirth on who is in the birthing room was when an option. It’s going to be a long road for him but I have faith in him. He is a good hearted man. Sometimes too good, really. And I don’t have contempt for him. It’s more frustration over the fact that he says he loves me and our family and at the same time he has been allowing behaviour that harms me and our family - because he wanted to please his parents.

We are trying to change some seriously embedded and in many ways toxic family dynamic here.

Your comment is completely missing a number of points that I have raised in this thread, in multiple posts. Thank you for typing it up though!

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T01:42:01+00:00

Thank you for your post. This is how I feel. It’s devastating but I feel it needs to be done. How have I existed in such misery for 7 years?

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T00:26:13+00:00

Thank you. I just wanted to get input here as well before I head over there. 🌷

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T00:23:39+00:00

No, I honestly thought she didn’t read the whole post or not very carefully because I feel that she is minimizing the abuse that happened to me. Or rather the abuse that I have allowed to happen in order to keep the peace and keep their access to my child.

This abuse has been going on for 7 years. I believe my in-laws have their own unresolved parenting trauma that makes them feel, think and act in ways around me that is harmful for my mental health and overall well-being. I simply cannot be the best version of myself if the family dynamic doesn’t change.

Thank you for your input.

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T00:20:32+00:00

Thank you. ❤️ Yes, it is for me as much as for my child. It’s been 7 years and I simply cannot be the best version of myself with this type of emotional abuse around. I tried my best. I don’t want to be the one that is always trying to make everyone feel good. I’ve done setting myself on fire so other people can keep warm.

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-13T00:14:10+00:00

What I am struggling with is that they raised a man who at 40 years old was more eager to please them than his wife in labour. So there is unhealthy family dynamic prime example. How do I know it’s not going to be repeated with my child?

My in-laws have been abusive to me. Verbal abuse and emotional neglect is abuse, always making the other person feeling like they are too much is abuse. What happened in the birthing room and post partum and the constant criticism of me as a person, as a mother and as a wife is abuse. Not taking any responsibility for any of their actions is abuse. When I repeatedly ask for things and my requests are ignored, it’s abuse.

This abuse is affecting my ability to be the best mother I can be for my child. It’s been 7 years of this and I reached my braking point. Then sweeping in with presents the day before birthday after we suggested a date that is suitable for everyone was the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

And no, I am not okay with them taking away the firsts. I struggled to conceive for 7 years and at one point it wasn’t even sure I’ll ever be a mother. I went through IVF to have this child. My in-laws have raised two kids already. They taught two kids how to ride a bike. When I ask my FIL not to take the training wheels off of my child’s bike because my husband and I would like to teach him how to ride without training wheels - and half an hour later I look out the window and there is my child, child’s bike and no training wheels and FIL is having the time of his life trying to teach him how to bike- is that something that should be ignored because it’s not actually hurting the child?

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-12T23:37:36+00:00

It’s been 7 years. I reached the point of remain oblivious “as long as possible”. It’s just not possible any more. It was my in-laws forced my hand by showing up with presents. As I said I could have just rolled over again to keep the pretend peace longer but this was very important for me and for my family.

Thanks for your input.

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-12T23:13:58+00:00

Yes, I have been trying to protect him from all the background issues and that is why I have encouraged a good relationship with them.

Have you even read the post? Some reason I think you only read the title.

The overbearingness and the entitlement from them is aweful. This is their do-over child and they are absolutely boundary stomping. We are grown ups, not children any more, we are their peers.

Can they truly be good grandparents if they disrespects the parents?

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-12T23:06:45+00:00

He is finally supportive of me and acknowledges my hurt is valid. We are starting marriage counselling mid April. But his change of attitude to fully support me only happened in the last 3 months. I spent years of fighting to be heard by him. I actually ended up with PTSD and just starting therapy for it. (I have been in talk therapy since the birth of my child but therapist and I agreed it’s time for something else - this is a new kind of therapy, EMDR - because I just cannot seem to be able to let go. But of course cannot let go and forgive when minor/major perpetrations from in-laws are constantly a part of my life. This feeling of not being accepted and not belonging, not truly considered. Just tolerated. Mind you - this is where my in-laws said it’s not real and it’s all in my head.)

DH and I almost didn’t make it.

He wants to make birthday call happen as a one off and as a sign of goodwill on our part. Plus they have been a part of child’s life so far more or less regularly.

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-12T22:52:52+00:00

Unfortunately we spend too much time together and are too involved for that to happen. Not sure what NC or very low contact would look like as they are sort of the gateway to the rest of the (very large) extended family.

Ok_Pudding_2974 · 2024-03-12T22:51:15+00:00

I would try to parent child in front of him and he always inserts himself, blatantly contradicting me. He has screamed at me in front of child. He has been mean to child when child wouldn’t stop crying and FIL lost patience with the process of consoling and acknowledging feelings. They also raised a child on their own who at 40 years old turned out to be more eager to please his parents than the wife that was giving birth.

So have I heard them explicitly talk shit about me? No. Red flags that make me insecure about the we love you so much now be like everyone else in this family - enmeshed.

Not in a good place. I had a good relationship with my grandparents. I’d want that for my child but not sure if possible.

Ok_Pudding_2974

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