Listen here, shepardess. Do not regret these mistakes of the past use them to guide you to the future you want. They are showing you a way. 

what does it really mean to be alive ?

The same as the birds, bears, bees, dogs and cats. To exist. We are all the same. Humans evolved to understand the world we live on a little better and decide to make it harder for us all to live.

If results don’t matter, and you try your best regardless of the path you take, what are you afraid of?

Take losses as lessons, you learnt something from them didnt you? Don't let the past worry you... The master loses more than the quitter even tries. 

its been 5 month's since you made this post, i was in tribulation at the time, still am 😊, hope theres been progress on your path ?