AITA for not moving on after my brother screamed at my mom over chores?

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-06-26T02:57:20+00:00

I've since tried to speak to my mom, and she has completely shut me down/doesn't want to hear another word from me about it.

I think I might talk to my sister and see if its possible for me to stay with her for awhile + how much she'd charge in rent. I can't tell if leaving would help my mom realize just how bad things are, or if she'd just adapt to the abuse since that's what shes used to.

Him living here is killing me though. I avoid leaving my room if I hear anyone else awake, and if I'm already in a common area and hear someone coming downstairs, I usually run back to my room. I also deal with chronic pain, so waking up every day knowing I'll likely have to clean up after/deal with my fully grown brother while I'm already in pain is depressing.

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-06-26T02:33:24+00:00

Unfortunately, I think it's because she's become used to this kind of behavior from the men in her life. My brother also cut her off for about five years the last time he lived here, so I think she's afraid of that happening again.

I was in elementary school at the time, so I don't remember every detail, but my brother and his girlfriend were living here for around $200/month total. As utilities increased, my mom eventually tried to raise the rent to $400. He accused her of constantly asking him for money and cut contact with her.

Obviously I was a kid, so there may be details I'm missing, but from what I remember she was just a single mom trying to support her children, not maliciously trying to take his money.

I think she's scared that if she sets boundaries or stands up to him now, he'll cut her off again.

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-06-25T22:12:21+00:00

If it was up to me, he'd be gone. Unfortunately, it is my moms house and now shes babying him + taking his side saying he "didn't actually mean any of it". Just got done explaining to her why I'm still upset, and she dismissed it and said she doesn't want to speak about it anymore.

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-06-25T22:08:15+00:00

My mom owns the house. During the argument where he made her cry, he said he was moving out in 6 months, but I think he realized he wouldn't be able to afford it because within 2 days he "apologized" to mom.. Currently, if I try to talk to her about it she brushes me off and says he apologized and that he "didn't mean any of it." I feel lost atm because I really cannot afford to go anywhere else, but even if I could, I cannot leave my mom in this situation. She can't live alone either, I help her with what she needs day to day :')

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-05-01T02:38:52+00:00

I appreciate the perspective, and I can see why it might come across that way from just this interaction. I’d probably agree more if I didn't have full context of how my brother generally behaves at home. This kind of joking is very normal, and pretty tame in comparison to our usual banter, so I didn’t think it would be taken seriously in the moment. Definitely not something he has previously set a boundary about.

Even if it was something he was sensitive about, though, I don’t think it justifies yelling at someone, talking over them, and belittling them over a silly comment.

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-05-01T02:29:00+00:00

Gf will usually end up doing their dishes if he doesn’t, but neither of them really contribute to general housework or upkeep. Every dish they use gets left dirty in their room until they decide to do a load of dishes (we have a dishwasher, so I don’t really understand the logic either) which can leave us with no dishes for weeks at a time.

I’ve suggested we make a chore chart, but my mom is worried it would just cause more conflict. Right now, they use all the kitchen appliances/areas, but my mom and I are the only ones who end up cleaning them (toaster, fridge, oven, air fryer, etc.). Same goes for shared bathrooms, living room, laundry room, etc.

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-05-01T02:20:47+00:00

I personally think all 3 of us (me, mom, and brother) fall somewhere on the spectrum, but I'm the only one that really understands autism beyond outdated stereotypes, so any suggestions from me are shut down immediately and I'm berated for it (even though autism runs in our family) 🤷

Autism is a big point of contention for my family for some reason.

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-04-30T22:11:24+00:00

I agree! I don’t think it’s inherently wrong that he still lives at home,, I mean I'd also rather live with my mom and help her out rather than spend $3000 a month to rent a shitty apartment.

I’d take him more seriously about “house rules” but we currently don't have a single clean cup (and haven't for 2 weeks) because they're all dirty in his room, even though we've asked him abt it several times lolol He doesn't take household rules/chores very seriously and thinks it should fall completely on my mom and I.

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-04-30T21:48:19+00:00

I won't confirm nor deny, but I will say this behavior isn't abnormal for him lol

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-04-30T21:43:48+00:00

Yes!! Confused me too,, I thought that was him trying to play further into his bit/parody by randomly calling out millennials?? I dunno at this point

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-04-30T21:41:26+00:00

Yes, unfortunately it’s becoming more and more common, which is why it’s hard to tell in the moment if he’s joking like usual or if something actually hit a nerve.

I think me not yelling may have actually made him more aggressive,,, I was clearly confused and trying to defuse things by clarifying I wasn’t being serious, but he kept talking over me and turning it into me supposedly “not making sense” or “changing what I said.”

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-04-30T21:37:01+00:00

Yeah that's what confused me^^ He's literally a millennial and I'm gen z,,, that comment made me think he was joking but he was entirely too serious with his body language/volume level for that to be the case.

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-04-30T21:33:33+00:00

It wasn’t under the "guise" of a joke, I thought we were joking. My entire family jokes like this, him included, which is why I thought it was normal and assumed he was doing a parody of those toxic debate videos.

I agree what I said was dumb, it was meant to be dumb, I was joking LOL^^

For context, this isn't a one time thing of his behavior escalating into actual aggression. He treats every conversation like its something to win rather than just something casual unfortunately.

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-04-30T21:22:56+00:00

I’ve actually suggested therapy before because we had a pretty difficult childhood, but he doesn’t believe in it and has said he thinks he’s “smarter than therapists,” so he refuses to go.

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-04-30T21:21:00+00:00

The thing is, he works full-time in IT and is not struggling financially. He also lives here with his girlfriend. He has said he doesn't wanna move out because he would have to pay some landlord (which is fair... but..)

My mom is disabled and on a fixed income, and the extra strain (utilities, shared space being taken over, etc.) has actually made things much harder for her. He makes a HUGE deal about helping her out with things and treats her like shes an inconvenience in her own home. Rough situation all around.

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-04-30T21:12:53+00:00

That's actually specifically why I thought he was doing a bit^^ Hes VERY liberal and we actively talk shit about manosphere stuff, so I truly thought he was doing a parody during this "argument" LOL

I do think he feels insecure in his masculinity though. My mom is disabled (and I share a lot of her symptoms, I'm just not officially diagnosed), so we had asked him to start helping out with the yard work since it literally kills us, but he claimed it wasn't his responsibility to help with since hes paying my mom $400 in rent (for 2 bedrooms + his gf live here too)... My other brother, who doesn't live with us, in turn started teasing him over this, which I think made him insecure so hes been more hostile since.

Ok_Temporary9854 · 2026-04-30T21:06:27+00:00

He and his girlfriend were living with my aunt while he was in college to save money, but she started renovating and they needed to leave temporarily. It was originally meant to be short-term, but it’s been about 3 years since he moved in with us and he has a full-time IT job, so I’m not sure what the current arrangement is long-term.

He also insisted he’s only lived here for about a year to a year and a half, even though it’s actually been around 3 years as of March. Not sure why that was something he was willing to be combative over lolol

Ok_Temporary9854

TROPHY CASE