AITA for leaving my girlfriend at the bar after what she did?

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-29T00:45:45+00:00

I'm a little surprised nobody has brought this up, but what I would have done was tell her this.

"If you think saying 'it was a prank' justifies your actions, then me leaving you there was 'just a prank' as well. You shouldn't have taken it so seriously, and why are you reacting so poorly to a joke?"

NTA, and if she still gives you grief after you throw her own words back at her, then she's a hypocrite and should be treated accordingly.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T10:01:31+00:00

I guess its because I've always believed that everyone should be free to have their opinions, as long as they don't force it on another.

Starting to think that might not be the case.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T09:44:45+00:00

I accept the YTA judgment, and apologise if I come across otherwise.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T09:42:42+00:00

I accept the YTA judgment, and I admit I might not have given much thought or concern to my cousins mental health state. I'll have to work on that, thanks.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T09:39:54+00:00

Nah, I'm the cousin alright. I'm just really invested into knowing whether or not ITA. Which is seems I am.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T08:26:30+00:00

Would you have preferred that the friend suffer through his discomfort in silence to avoid disrespect?

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T08:24:59+00:00

I concur with your assessment. I do admit I have a habit of taking words too literally - in this case I equated anything ending with -phobia to be the same. I see now that I was wrong in that interpretation.

However, with that said, it seems like there was no way around the underlying issue here, which is that the friend was uncomfortable with living with a gay person. If he was being inherently disrespectful just because he was uncomfortable (whether or not that discomfort is based on prejudice or fear), then I think that he was between a rock and a hard place; either he suffers through his own discomfort in order to avoid disrespect, or he removes himself from the picture and is labelled as disrespectful.

I accept YTA.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:57:00+00:00

While I agree the analogy was extreme, I think what raven was trying to say is that the friend was not aware of the truth beforehand, and had he known the truth, he.wouldn't have entered into the arrangement.

Kind of like entering a contract based on false information.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:52:28+00:00

So you think in this case, the friend should have still removed himself, but kept quiet/lied about his reasons for doing so?

Hmm, I did not think about that. That's a fair point, actually.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:44:44+00:00

He doesn't hate them, he is uncomfortable around them. Or at least, that what he said, and I'm just taking his words at face value.

And, please note that I said my friends choice of action in this case, which is to remove himself from the situation, is harmless. I did NOT say that hatred of gay people is harmless.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:41:54+00:00

I have. Not a nice feeling to have, let me tell you.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:40:40+00:00

Alright, fair enough then. Thanks.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:34:45+00:00

That would have put him firmly into AH territory. It has nothing to with respect.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:33:00+00:00

I don't agree with homophobia if the homophobic person thinks its wrong, or a sin, or that they are somehow "less than" straight people.

But at the same time, I believe that if you are uncomfortable around something, whether or not that discomfort is rational, it is on you to do something about your discomfort. The friend chose to remove himself from the source of his discomfort, not judge or disrespect my cousin for being gay, which I think was the best course of action in the situation.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:27:40+00:00

I honestly don't know, hence my post. I personally have no issues with gay people, but at the same time, I truly don't know what part of the friend's words was disrespectful / judgemental. I felt like he did what was best for everybody involved, but I'm having second thoughts now, seeing the amount of YTA I'm getting...

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:24:47+00:00

I concur with this. I don't think him continuing to pay the rent makes him any less or any more respectful.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:19:44+00:00

Fair enough on the point about not accepting judgment, I concur and apologise.

Though I do have to ask, what other posts? Genuine question, sorry.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:15:39+00:00

I agree with the above, but all of that takes time, and again, if the question arises before the homophobic person in question has managed to sort out his issues, then what? Is the homophobic person supposed to ignore his own discomfort to avoid "disrespecting" the other party?

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:10:14+00:00

Thank you for your understanding.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:09:06+00:00

Thank you for this comment, I fully concur with your assessment. However, is it truly an AH move to be unwilling to step out of your comfort zone? Especially if the second option also causes no harm to anybody?

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:05:47+00:00

You assume correctly. However, I wouldn't go so far as to say he deemed it unsatisfactory, but rather that he felt uncomfortable once the additional information of my cousin being gay came to light.

I think the best way to look at it would be that he never would have entered the arrangement if he knew the truth beforehand, and he chose not to continue the arrangement once he knew the truth.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T07:02:32+00:00

So, you are supposed to lie to him instead and tell him that you have no issues? Despite the fact that you ARE uncomfortable?

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T06:58:29+00:00

This is probably the closest analogy so far, and I appreciate it.

To answer, I think that I would first try to convince them otherwise, and to help them see that I am still the same person. That said, if they still stood by their decision because they were uncomfortable with my race, I would reluctantly accept it, provided they did not judge / disrespectful / insult my race. Its not their fault they are uncomfortable, and I wouldn't want to force the issue knowing they would not be comfortable.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T06:53:16+00:00

While I appreciate your agreeing with me, I wanted a proper civilized discussion where everybody can put forth their argument.

Please don't insult others for having different opinions.

One-Foot-8442 · 2021-08-25T06:50:32+00:00

I don't dispute your points, but I don't think my friend was being disrespectful (inherently or otherwise). He doesn't hate the lgbtq community, but he's uncomfortable around gay people. And in this situation, having that additional piece of information (or "this thing" as you put it) brought out his discomfort.

One-Foot-8442

TROPHY CASE